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HOMELAND INSECURITY

On June 12, this column, “Out Of My Mind,” switched over to high def digital. Old analog people will no longer be able to read it unless they get a converter. If you are able to see this right now, you will probably be unaffected by the change. If you cannot see this, then … well, then I guess you’re an old analog person and I don’t need to waste ere ‘nother word on you because you can’t see it anyway.

Nancy Pelosi’s energy bill passed in the House this week. A provision of the new bill will allow the government to build a trillion-million-billion-dollar giant thermostat and place it in orbit around the sun. That way, when it gets too hot here on earth, all we have to do is send an astronaut to the sun where he will dock with the thermostat and adjust the heat. “It’s a simple plan,” Pelosi gushed, “and it’s do-able.” That’s the good news. The bad news is you think I’m kidding.

And in a related story, Obama’s new health care plan includes an Organ of the Month club. July’s organ is a brand new liver. Also, for gold members, that liver comes with onions.

Yeah … Nancy Pelosi, the first female Speaker of the House … Barack Obama, the first black president. Practically guarantees no woman or black person will be allowed near those positions ever, ever again.

And I Quote: “(Michael Jackson) was like James Brown, like Barack Obama. They are huge. To us.” ~ some anonymous woman in LA mourning Jacko

Michael Jackson, Barack Obama and James Brown. They oughta re‑do “On The Town” with those three guys.

Yeah, I know. That joke will work no matter which three names you use, huh.

But what’d that woman mean, Michael Jackson is huge “to us”? If you say “you people,” it’s racist. How’s “to us” different? Anyway, Michael Jackson ran from his blackness. He killed himself trying to be anything but black. Bleached his skin white, eliminated every Afrocentric characteristic from his face, spoke like a little white girl, wore luxurious wigs, married white women. I’m just saying get a grip, that’s all. Guy was brilliant on the one hand and a basket case on the other … why people gotta smother everything under a big stinking pile of race? Discuss.

There has been so much violence in Chicago this year, they’re actually running out of blood. I kid you not. Within one 24-hour period just last week alone, six men were shot or stabbed to death. Several others were also shot and stabbed, but they survived. It’s so bad, Mayor Daley is calling on the drug dealers, gang bangers, murderers and thugs to please stop with all the shooting and stabbing. But I don’t think the bad guys need to stop killing each other, they just need to do it in a way that don’t overburden Chicago’s medical services. You know, there are many ways a person can commit violent acts of murder without spilling buckets of blood all over everything. For example, there’s poisoning, drowning, strangling … and that’s just naming three off the top of my head. See if you can think of some others and we’ll send Mayor Daley a list. If they can’t stop killing themselves up there, they can at least be politically correct about it.

In Shelbyville, Tennessee, a couple was arrested on domestic assault charges for yelling and throwing Cheetos at each other. That’s a study in extremes, iddn’t it? Chicago, they’re running out of blood because of the murders, and in Shelbyville you got cops arresting people for throwing puffed corn treats at each other. Like, wouldn’t Chicago love to have Shelbyville’s crime problems. If the worst thing Chicago had to worry about was people throwing Cheetos at each other, they’d probably just let em throw the Cheetos. It’d be such a welcome change, they wouldn’t even bother to make an arrest. Cops might even get in there and throw some Cheetos themselves. Be like a big, cheesy snowball fight.

No, but seriously … Cheetos as a weapon? Just another example of their versatility.

Oddly enough, that wasn’t the only crime this week involving salty snacks. A woman in Oklahoma City was charged with prostitution after she agreed to have sex with an undercover cop for some potato chips. In the business, that’s what they call a Frito‑Lay.

Over in Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally admitted that, yes, the election was a little hinky. He admitted that the number of votes he received actually outnumbered eligible voters by about three million. But that was due primarily to the opening of the new Tehran ACORN offices.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Il says he’s gonna fire off a long‑range missile at Hawaii on Independence Day to help celebrate the Fourth of July. Says he’s doing it to symbolize the rockets red glare.

And I Quote: “If the U.S. imperialists start another war, the army and people of Korea will … wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all.” ~ the official Korean Central News Agency

“Wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all”? Sounds like Korea’s using scraps from old Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speeches.

Homeland Security maven Janet Napolitano is axing the U.S. spy satellite program. She said it’s cheaper to just use Google Earth. She’s also changing the name of the agency to Homeland Insecurity.

In order to impress union-friendly legislators with the importance of hiring American workers, the AFL‑CIO passed around yellow hard hats to every office on Capitol Hill. Only thing, the hard hats all had stickers on them reading, “Made in China.” Union leaders blamed the gaffe on “a new staffer.” The new staffer turned out to be Vinnie “Three Fingers” Marconi, a foot soldier for the Gambino crime family. Vinnie said he ordered the hard hats from China cause if he’d of got em made in America, it’d be a bunch of junk, fuhgeddaboudit.

A Japanese space scientist has invented “stink‑free” underwear. He said you can wear them for a week without stinking. That’s nice and all, but anybody wears their drawers for a week, they probably kinda like the stink. To them, that foul, fetid aroma probably sends a message:  Love me, love my body odor. The underwear is also “flame‑resistant” … which is good news if you enjoy lighting your farts with a match, and I know some of you do. But, again, the best part is the week without changing.

PAIN ISN’T PAIN UNLESS YOU THINK IT IS!

By Kenneth Balog

When I was a young pup, going off to Korea to fight in my first war, the military ran me through several indoctrination programs, intended to teach me how to deal with wounds, capture by the enemy and pain.

The whole thing about pain management had something to do with the fact that real men did not cry or complain about battlefield conditions or wounds.   I quit believing that propaganda the day I got my right thumb mashed between the bolt and the chamber of a Garand Rifle because I shed some tears and did some moaning while the medic set bone and stitched me up.

I never did get used to pain during 24 years in the military.   Not when I mashed that thumb, not when I accidentally sat on a caltrop, not when I had to stick myself in the thigh with a nerve gas antidote, not when I foolishly called a marine a whorehouse door guard because of his uniform, not when I got the anti-plague shot to go to Vietnam, not when I fell down the barracks stairs during a rocket attack and not when I was shot in the chest with a blank cartridge while demonstrating a “take-away” procedure in unarmed defense class.  I did not cry every time, but I sure as heck felt pain.

It wasn’t until years after I had retired from the military that I learned how to master pain. I learned how from a civilian doctor who specialized in dermatology.  You know, skin care.  Yeah, she sure taught me how to tolerate pain.  She didn’t cure me of feeling the pain, but she taught me how to ignore it.

Gaaaa, that doctor was a good-looking young woman.  And, she had a way of making male patients sit in her office and allow her to cut and scrape on them without a whimper.  Me too.  All she had to do was smile at me and mention that she was going to hurt me a little bit and I let her.  In fact, when she laid a hand on me, and purred, I was ready for an amputation.  Lordy day was she a looker.

She looked so good that I went back to her three times before I almost turned anemic from blood loss and ran out of moles she could use her scalpels on.

What reminded me of that female butcher was my going to a local doctor last month to have a growth removed from a forearm.  He used one of those liquid nitrogen-freezing sprays and I felt pain.  Then I started laughing because I remembered that good-looking female doctor.  The local doctor must have thought I liked pain because he kept on spraying.  Damn!  I am still hurting.

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT

Okay, we got North Korea shooting missiles all over the Pacific, al‑Qaeda drooling over Pakistan’s nuclear stockpile, Iran rigging elections and busting heads, Israel squaring off against Palestine, the U.S. economy sliding further and further down the side of the toilet bowl … but mighty Barack killed at the Radio & Television Correspondents Dinner. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him … put your hands together and give it up for the hardest working man in show business, leader of the so-called free world and Michelle’s baby daddy … Buh-ROCK Hoosane OoooooooooooBAma!

Joe Biden went on “Meet the Press” last week and admitted that “everyone guessed wrong” about the stimulus bailout having a positive impact on the economy, and that the economy was much worse than anyone thought. VP sharing with us some of the ways they got it wrong. Some other ways they got it wrong include, Obama wasn’t really a Muslim from Kenya, “change” meant something good and if Joe Biden were vice president he wouldn’t say anything stupid.

Ol’ Joe. So much dumber than most, yet so much smarter than some.

Saw a photo of a person standing outside the clinic where George Tiller performed late‑term abortions holding a sign that said, “Dr. Tiller saved lives.” That’s like the world’s worst PETA ad or something. Guy became wealthy ending lives, how is he saving them? See how that works? What is that passage ~ Woe be unto them that call evil good? Well, woe be unto them then. Woe be unto them.

For verily these art the final days.

Say, you guys not doing anything later, you wanna get drunk and go heckle Tiger Woods?

Saw another photo where a group of Muslims were praying for the “safety of militants and Talibans.” Then they go off and explode forty pounds of plastique under their rib cage in a crowded plaza. It’s crazed. They be taking knives and cutting their own heads in those religious ceremonies, blood running all down their face, and the yelling, oy, always with the yelling and the screaming. You know what? To these people I would say, go bowling. Throw a frisbee around. Take a night off and do something fun for a change. Do something that don’t involve being covered in blood.

Sonia, take my hand and let’s wish and wish and pray really, really hard that one day God will make me a wise Latina woman, too, just like you. Cause, really, being a dumb white guy is exhausting. Sonia, I cannot tell you, it’s exhausting.

And no, there are no illegal aliens anymore … just U.S. citizens waiting to happen.

California is thinking about regulating and taxing marijuana. Is this an idea whose time has come or a good idea that’s bad? Is it an idea at all? Perhaps it’s really a concept. Who’s to say whether it’s an idea or a concept? Those are the questions that when you sit with the title on the sink and the outside light is on … I forget what I was saying. I think I’ll put on some Abby Road and make a sandwich. Then I’ll put on some Abby Road and make a sandwich. Where am I?

And, oh yeah, before I forget … Barbara, do me a favor. Could you say “Magnanimous Mikey” instead of “J. Michael”? It’s just a thing. I’ve always wanted a senator to call me Magnanimous Mikey. I’d appreciate it.

Fidel Castro accused the United States of “profound racism.” Said he was surprised that mighty Barack hadn’t been assassinated like Dr. King, Malcolm X, “and others who harbored dreams of equality and justice.” That’s good, that old murdering dog Fidel Castro talking about harboring dreams of equality and justice. That’s like Hannibal Lecter sitting down to a microwave Salisbury steak and Pepsi Free. I say, Salisbury steak and Pepsi Free. Is this on? Can you hear me in the back?

Before I go, I want to set the record straight on something. Sarah Palin don’t need my help, but I want to set the record straight. Katie Couric spoke to Princeton’s graduating class couple weeks ago and in her talk she said the graduates should avoid “cynicism ” and “nastiness” in their lives and not be “haters.” Then she turned around and started cracking on Sarah Palin. Isn’t that inconsistent with her message? But that’s not what I want to set the record straight about. One of Couric’s jokes was, “I can see New Jersey from my house!” Which was kind of funny, but she was mimicking Saturday Night Live comedienne Tina Fey’s impression of Sarah Palin saying, “I can see Russia from my house!” That’s what I want to set the record straight about. Because it’s annoying to me that so many people believe Governor Palin said, “I can see Russia from my house!” when she didn’t say it at all. During an interview last September with Charlie Gibson on ABC, Sarah Palin said … now, this is what the woman said …she said, “They’re our next door neighbors, and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.” So what Governor Sarah Palin actually said was that Russia is visible from an Alaskan island. Didn’t say nothing about no house, didn’t say she’d personally ever seen Russia, none of that. The island where you can see Russia from is called Little Diomede and if you don’t believe me you can go there and look for yourself. If Russia ain’t visible, come back and tell me I’m a liar.

THE DIVINE WILL OF THE FROG

Hey, Leon Panetta, Mister CIA big shot  … you gettin in my face with this Osama bin Laden crap? I just told you last week there wudn’t no more bin Laden, the man’s dead, been dead for close to 10 years. Now you come out and say bin Laden’s hiding out in Pakistan? I’ll tell you right now, you better back up off me cause I don’t play that. Man’s dead and dead is dead. You wanna feed somebody a load of crap, feed it to Pelosi. The lies y’all share are between y’all. But just don’t try me, that’s all I’m saying. I’ll be done gone all enhanced interrogation on your butt, pal. Osama bin Laden is dead as Judas. He ain’t coming back. Move on.

A sixteen‑year‑old kid in Fremont, California named Ishan Shah with no experience and no platform is running for city council. Hmmm … immature, no experience, Islamic‑sounding name … those are the exact same qualifications as Obama’s. It’s a wonder we didn’t elect that kid president.

And I Quote: “I don’t know anything about cars.” ~ Edward E. Whitacre, Jr., the guy Obama picked to head up the newly nationalized General Motors car company

Obama’s Treasury Department doesn’t want to impose caps on executive’s pay, but they do want to impose caps on executive compensation. Which is the same as imposing caps on executive’s pay.  Meanwhile, Hollywood actors, professional athletes and Washington lobbyists are slap cleaning up, yo!

I ain’t saying Obama’s redistributing the wealth, but down there in New Orleans’ 5th Ward, they all be lighting their joints now with hundred dollar bills. Boolah!

Is the Boolah! thing working for you? Making the column a little more hip? I’m just trying to be all edgy and “out there,” you know? All wild and crazy? Just trying to compete. Let me know if it’s working, ‘k? Meanwhile … Boolah!

According to the Federal Reserve, American households lost $1.33 trillion of their wealth in the first three months of the year. Curse you, George Bush! You’re not even president anymore and still you torment us! You rob from us $1.33 trillion. Is there no end to your deviousness and evil? Will you continue to hurt us even from the grave? Or whilst thou even ever see a grave, o’ foul Bush?

“Whilst thou even ever see a grave”? Who’s writing this crap?

And I Quote: “Them Jews aren’t going to let (Obama) talk to me.” ~ Rev. Jeremiah Wright, explaining why mighty Barack hasn’t spoken to him since he’s been in the White House

“Them Jews.” Nice talk, Jeremiah, coming from “you people.” And God damn America, huh, Rev?

And by the way, Barack … we’re still waiting for you to get some skin in the game, bruh.

Over in India, guy found a frog that changes colors and now they’re worshiping it as a god. That’s what they need in India, huh? Another god. They got more gods over there than the U.S. Tax Code’s got incomprehensible regulations. The guy in India is keeping the frog god in a jar. He said he’s doing his best with it, but the frog just won’t eat nothing. Maybe some curry flies? I dunno, but I predict the next color that frog’s gonna turn is blue.

Talk about croaking.

More news from India. In some colleges, they are banning female students from wearing blue jeans and other, quote‑unquote, “Western clothes” because they want to cut down on sexual harassment and “crimes against women.” However, mutilation of female genitalia is still okay cause you don’t see much of that in the West. Also, butchering a girl’s privates isn’t a crime, it’s a choice. True, not a choice made by the girl, but a choice, nonetheless. Plus, I’m sure it’s the divine will of the frog. Boolah!

The unluckiest woman in the world has got to be Johanna Ganthaler.  She was trying her best to get to the airport on Sunday, May 31, but she just couldn’t make it on time and she missed her flight … which was Air France Flight 447 … which crashed into the Atlantic, killing everyone onboard. So how is she the unluckiest woman in the world? She was killed in a car crash four days later. That’s gotta be annoying, huh? Luck out on the plane crash just to turn around and die in a car wreck. But I guess if she’d survived the car wreck, she’d probably have been killed by a mugger. And if she’d survived the mugger, George Bush would’a probably got her. I guess, come hell or high water, when your time’s up, it’s up.

The Wichita clinic where the late George Tiller “the baby killer” performed over 60,000 abortions, most of them late term, will be “permanently closed.” Good. Now they should burn it into carbon ash, plow it under, salt the earth upon which it stood and put a marker there reading, “The shame of Kansas.” Either that or put up a Wal‑Mart.

Yeah, okay, so 60 thousand babies is just a drop in the bucket compared to the 50 million that have been killed since Roe, but who’s counting?

In a related story, some members of Congress are now trying to pass a bill that will make it legal for unborn babies to vote. They want to get something out of the little buggers before they kill em.  Boolah!

Carrie Prejean has finally been fired as Miss California because of her controversial comment that  marriage “should be between a man and a woman.” Good. Now they should burn her into carbon ash, plow her under, salt the earth upon which she stood and put a marker there reading, “We’re queer, we’re here, get used to it.” Either that or put up a Gap.

And I Quote: “Our society has healthy morals and rejects all these queers. If you even imagine that they get permission to hold their parade and gather, they will simply be killed.” ~ Yuri Luzhkov, mayor of Moscow

And that, Perez Hilton, is how they do gay rights in Moscow. Now go shoot your mouth off to Yuri Luzhkov. Boolah!

Okay. I’m already tired of the Boolah! thing. It’s coming across as too gimmicky, huh? Makes me sound too needy, like I’m trying too hard. I’m going to go ahead and retire it.

But first …

Boolah!

Okay, now I’m retiring it.

BOOLAH!

Another audio tape from Osama bin Laden turned up this week, had all the media covering it, the pundits analyzing it … media, listen to me ~ Osama bin Laden is dead. How many times do I have to tell you that? Man is dead.  D-E-A-D. Dead. Diddly-iddly ead. Graveyard dead, in the ground, worm food, pushing up poppies, off the mortal coil, deceased, departed, spent, kaput, buh-bye. You need to give it a rest. Osama bin Laden is dead. That is not his voice on those tapes. Look … if Osama was alive, don’t you think he’d have his ugly face running on al Jazeera every hour of the day calling for jihad and death to Israel and the USA? Stop giving credence to these dadgum Osama bin Laden tapes. Osama is gone, he ain’t coming back, next question please.

I have to make a correction. Last week, I reported that Obama and Michelle’s night out on Broadway costs taxpayers around twenty-five grand. That was kind of a low ball. Turns out it was more in the range of two hundred and fifty grand. But Obama’s just proving a point. He told corporate America last February they couldn’t be flying off on little getaways aboard corporate jets to Las Vegas or the Super Bowl or whatnot “on the taxpayers’ dime.” And he’s right. You can’t do that on a dime. You need dollars. A whole lot of dollars.

But O’s just like everybody else … he wants to go through as much government money as he can before it’s all gone. Boolah!

And I Quote: “We’re out of money.” ~ Barack Hussein Obama, May 23, 2009

I think it was Confucius who said, Never pick an argument with someone who buys their ink by the barrel and never try to outspend anyone who prints their own money.

And I Quote: “Hey, Obama has just nationalized nothing more and nothing less than General Motors. Comrade Obama! Fidel (Castro), careful or we are going to end up to his right.” ~ Hugo Chavez

Chavez, Castro and Obama. They oughta re-do “On The Town” with those three guys.

Remember how the media branded Dan Quayle the complete and consumate Idiot when he was vice president because of a couple of his gaffes? Like misspelling potato … e? I bet when Dan Quayle hears all the idiotic gaffes Joe Biden makes and the way the media downplays them, I bet ol’ Dan must be rolling over in his grave right now. What? What’s that you say? Dan Quayle ain’t dead? Well … then I bet he’s rolling over wherever he is, whether that’s in a grave, an easy chair, a hammock or whatever. Point is, dead or alive, the whole thing probably makes the boy wanna roll over, that’s all I’m saying.

Listen you want to talk about a gaffe? Vice President Joe Biden revealed the secret location where vice presidents are taken in case of attacks on American soil. Seriously. Joe Biden told all the terrorists in the world who want to kill him, where he will be hiding when they come looking for him. Next to that, Dan Quayle is James Bond.

The definition of “hubris” ~ Obama’s press secretary, criticizing the British press for being corrupt, bias and dishonest in their news reporting. The definition of “Chutzpah” ~ Him saying that before the Washington press corps. Boolah!

I’m going to start saying Boolah! every so often, see if that’ll help the column move along a little better.

Dr. George Tiller ~ aka, “Tiller the baby killer” ~ was gunned down last Sunday at his church. Tiller gained fame and fortune by performing late‑term abortions. According to records, he killed something like 60,000 babies during his career. Man, death is so freakin final, huh? Where you at now, George? Having a bad day, I bet. Violence begets violence, huh. And nobody’s right if every body’s wrong. But why was Tiller eulogized as a hero of women? Man kills 60,000 babies and he’s a hero of women? If Jeffrey Dahmer had done that, we’d still be standing around in a state of shock with our mouths hanging open at the heinousness of the act. And if we are seriously going to start pitting women against unborn babies, then we have officially crossed the line that separates a cause from a crime.

And yes … the killer of Tiller the killer is a killer, too. And if you need a distraction, say that three times real fast.

And I Quote: “The best part of Barack Obama is, his heart is bigger than any heart in the world.” ~ Senate majority leader Harry Reid

And, of course, by “heart,” Harry means “ego.”

First, Obama said, “America is not a Christian country.” Now he says, “America is a Muslim country.” Guy’s coming out of the closet now, iddin’t he? He be hitting that middle name now, too ~ Hussein. Last year you call him Hussein you’re a racist … now you call him Hussein you’re liable to get a stimulus check. Boolah!

Barack also said we weren’t at war with al‑Qaeda. Then who are all those greasy guys with the smelly beards who keep trying to kill us? You know, Barack … the death toll for Africans murdered by Muslims in Darfur is somewhere around half a million, but that doesn’t have your attention. That part of you that is Muslim is strong, but that part of you that is black is half white. Is religion thicker than blood? Who knows, but the fact remains, George Bush has done more for Africa than you ever have, Barack Hussein Obama.

CONSPIRACY THEORY

by Kenneth Balog

I must be entering a period of paranoia in my old age because every time I read something about Cleveland City operations, I see only dark plots to steal more of my tax money.

I suppose most other citizens can see that the city mayor and the members of the city council aren’t exactly operating in a responsible manner, but I will wager that most citizens haven’t tumbled to the fact that Cleveland Utilities and the Airport Authority have also become irresponsible spenders of citizen monies.

Yeah, the Utility that charges exorbitant fees for electricity, sewage disposal and questionable drinking water.  And the Airport Authority that reminds me of one of those dark holes in outer space.

Has anyone but me kept track of what the Utility is doing with our fee monies?  Is anyone aware that the Utility donated a big chunk of the 10 million that was handed over to the Airport Authority to pay for sewer and water services?  Is that the way the City Council is getting around that promise it made to NOT use tax dollars for the new airport utilities and hangars?  It allows the Utility to fund the Airport Authority?   Of course it does.  The same way that money was pumped into the greenbelt.

So, the Utility, that can’t seem to find money to provide water and sewer service to entities like a school or poor neighborhoods, can find money for an airport that nobody needs.  The same utility that apparently plans to provide fee-free water and sewer service to that Wacker plant that will locate in the north part of the county.

To add to my conspiracy theory, I only have to look at the Airport Authority and the recently published 2010 budget for the City of Cleveland.  The budget shows that the Airport Authority comes under a thing called Enterprise Funds, however, when I read about that fund, I can not locate expenditures or income for last year, this year or next year.

Nor can I find the 10 mil that the chairperson of the Airport Authority said had been received from the city and Cleveland Utility.  Nor can I find the 500K loan that the city made to the airport authority last year.

I can’t find the items listed in the Airport Authority section of the City Budget either.

Also missing, or I just can’t make sense of the budget, are clearly identified items concerning fuel sales, hangar fees and other such services at the existing airport, that is now under the Airport Authority;  so what happens to revenue?

Why hasn’t anyone, especially a member of the County Commissioners, asked the City of Cleveland for an accounting?  Yep, in case folks don’t know it, the County is supposed to be the watchdog over city operations.  Some watchdog! It hasn’t even barked about the Mercury pollution in the north part of the county.  So, I don’t expect it to do anything about problems being created by that new airport.

Know what I think?  I think the members of the city council and the county commission are a pack of Carpetbaggers.  I would not be surprised to learn that both entities are in cahoots with folks at United Way who control the money from what used to be Bradley Memorial Hospital.  I think that they could hold their own with folks in the current Washington administration.  Obama-ites, for certain.

THE RICHNESS OF THE JUNK MEDIA

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is bribing the voters over in Iran with free potatoes. At first, that sounded a bit provincial, but then I realized the same technique would probably work well for Obama right here in the States. Offer some people free potatoes, they’ll die for you. What’s that you say? Naw, man, not raw potatoes … vouchers for free fries over at McDonald’s. Yeah, now you can see it working, too, huh?

Speaking of mighty Barack, he and Michelle and her lovely, well‑toned arms flew to New York over the weekend to take in a Broadway show. The date cost close to twenty-five grand. Don’t know if that included the tip or not. But I don’t begrudge the man a trip to New York with his wife for a  night out. I’m even willing to chip in and pay for it, man’s the president. But with the country turning socialist, it’s a kind of precursor. They’re creating a Politburo in DC, and that’s how the Politburo lives. They live high while the people live low. In China, in the old Soviet Union, Chavez, Castro, Kim Jung-il. Don’t think that can’t happen here. Be all the fascist stereotypes living high in Washington while the citizenry melts away into a mediocre, proletariat soup, with political correctness administered by bureaucrats, everybody driving around in little green cars that run on corn, look like those little cars on a Ferris wheel. And if you don’t get with the program, send you to the gulag for reorientation … maybe even the ol’ Rosemary Kennedy solution for the staunch individuals who can’t break their addiction to freedom.

And I Quote: “It must be said, that like the breaking of a great dam, the American decent into Marxism is happening with breathtaking speed, against the back drop of a passive, hapless sheeple …” ~ Pravda, May 29, 2009

Freakin Pravda, man. They lived it.

But those little cars of the future? Wait’ll a couple them 18‑wheelers blow by out on the interstate doing ninety miles an hour. They’ll bust them bubble cars pretty quick, I’ll tell you that for free. Little carbon‑friendly death traps is what they are. This week some company announced a car that runs on air. Car runs on thin air. Well, you know what? This is probably a good time to tell you about my own imaginary car that I invented. It’s called the L’il  Joy‑Joy and it runs on fond wishes. Whoever drives it gains eternal youth and they can eat as much as they want and never get fat. My car doesn’t just  reduce carbon in the atmosphere, it stores that carbon in another dimension in case we ever reduce the carbon in our atmosphere too much and might need to put some back. The L’il Joy-Joy only costs a dollar and as long as the18‑wheeler is king, there will be plenty of demand.

Excuse me a moment, I would like to say something to Sonia Sotomayor …

Sonia, I would hope that a white male who hasn’t lived the life of a wise Latina woman, with the richness of her experiences, would less often than not reach a worse conclusion than someone like yourself. And I mean that sincerely.

Elsewhere, wise BHO appointees, in the richness of their own experiences, overruled a decision made by white male lawyers and judges and dropped the charges against those Black Panthers who intimidated voters in Philly on election day with nightsticks and racial slurs. Acorn and the Panthers ~ stealing votes and bustin’ heads in the richness of their experiences. So I guess the statute of limitations has expired on the Voting Rights Act of 1965. What’s that you say? What if the Klan, in the richness of their experiences, had done that? Under the jailhouse, my friend. Under the jailhouse.

And rightly so.

You know, I’m driving myself nuts with this, but I just keep coming back to that succession of power ~ Obama, Biden, Pelosi. That blows my mind. That’s like a bad slot machine where you end up with a lemon, a pickle and a wart on the pay line. How did we come to this? I’ll tell you how … the junk media. The junk media tipped everything over. Thomas Jefferson’s free press ~ the very ones charged with holding the balance of powers accountable … they’re the ones tipped the scales. Jefferson said, “The only security of all is in a free press.” I’ll bet Jefferson’s kicking his own ass right now in his coffin for being so stupid. Who watches the watchers? Nobody evidently.

But the junk media jumped the shark with their coverage of the national Tax Day Tea Party back in April. They scorned and ridiculed everyone who attended, calling them “tea-baggers”and making rude double entendres: The junk media took American citizens exercising their right to free speech and peaceful assembly, and equated them to sexual lowlifes who take testicles into their mouths. MSNBC, CNN, CBS, others in the junk media. They took the most obscure and pornographic meaning of “tea bagging” they could find and applied it to everyone in the country who disagreed with them. And they did it on national television in prime time. See? That right there is Jefferson’s free press running amok, that’s what that is. That’s that wild Marxist fever that hits the masses right before society slides into socialism. If you test the air, you can smell it.

I think CNN’s Anderson Cooper felt a little splash‑back, though. It took him over a month to do it, but he’s the only one I know of who offered any sort of apology, however insincere. He called  his “tea‑bagging” comments a “stupid, silly, one‑line aside.” He said “if” his comments offended anybody, blah, blah, blah. Of course, when an apology is preceded by an “if,” it’s not an apology, it’s damage control.

And I Quote: “No, Anderson, it wasn’t just a ’stupid, silly, one‑line aside’ ~ it was obscene, degrading, contemptuous, and just flat mean. It says a lot about who you are.” ~ SuzyQue, posting at mediabistro.com, 5‑20‑09, 8:55AM

Says a lot about who they all are.

STOP LYING TO NANCY!

This past week was National Dog Bite Week. One of the more bizarre tribute weeks, in my opinion, but I’ll give anything a try as long as it’s a national thang and everybody else is doing it. I managed to bite 27 dogs. I don’t know if that’s a record or not, but at least I did my part. What about you?

Look, I am sick and tired of everybody lying to Nancy Pelosi. Bush lied to her, Cheney lied to her, the CIA lied to her, you know her husband lies to her and I guess when I feign concern like I’m doing now I’m lying to her, too. So stop it right now. The woman’s been lied to enough.

No, I’m only kidding. Don’t stop. Pile on.

And I Quote: “In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act.” ~ George Orwell

Amen, George. And you’ll be interested to know that although we’re about 25 years late with the whole 1984 thing, we are getting there. So good call on that, too.

They say the lottery is just a tax on people who don’t know math? Well, the president’s cap‑and‑trade initiative is a tax on people who don’t know math, history, economics, political science or their butt from their elbow.

I’ve noticed it’s hard to pin ol’ Barack down on a thing, iddn’t it? He  makes a gaff or something, the blame’s usually on another person. The other day, he introduced his secretary of defense, Robert Gates, as “William Gates.” Was the mistake his, or was it Robert Gates’ fault for not being named William? Discuss amongst yourselves. But wait’ll I’m done here.

You know, while I’m posing hypothetical questions, if you rob somebody at gunpoint or maybe stab em to death because you really, really like them, is that a love crime? Could you use that as a defense, maybe get a few years off your sentence?

Michelle Obama told Time magazine that there were little Michelles and Baracks all over the country. Well, all can say to that is, “Mommy! Mommy! Make the mean lady quit scaring me!”

And I Quote: “I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised.” ~ Miss California Carrie Prejean

Carrie Prejean, you vile, slutty hate-filled witch, that is the most mean thing I have ever heard anyone say. You’re not even a women … you used to be a man, you low life trailer trash. I hope they didn’t charge you by the pound for all that plastic in your boobs, you dumb ignorant blonde. You’re too stupid to even have a point of view so why do you waste everyone’s time trying to act like you do? Go back to hell where you came from, you pitiful excuse for a human being. You’re not a person, you’re some kind of disgusting animal that should be covered in mud and sleeping in their own waste.

And I Quote: “I believe that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman.” ~ candidate Barack Obama.

All hail, mighty Barack, for when he speaks his words are like white doves of peace and his goodness reverberates throughout the world. If he admonishes us against gay marriage we should heed him, for even his farts possess wisdom and his exhalations heal our planet.

Double standard? I don’t know. But I pray for the health and safety of Obama every day and I hope you do, too. I’m being serious, because if anything happened to him, God forbid, Joe Biden would be the president (shudder, cringe, spit up in my mouth). So, seriously, pray for mighty Barack, that nothing happens to him. But ~ and this is a big, scary but ~ if something did happen to him (God forbid) and Joe Biden became president, and then something happened to Joe Biden? That means Nancy Pelosi would be the leader of the free world and if that don’t make you crap your pants just thinking about it, well then you, my friend, need a little more fiber in your diet.

Look, I gotta get this off my chest because it really bugs me … I dial a number and get a recording says, “Please enjoy the music while your party is being reached.” Then they either play Beethoven full out or Barry Manilow muzak at a volume that makes that piercing fax machine squeal seem pleasant. My suggestion to whomever it is that does that ~ don’t do that. You know, it ain’t 300-watt stadium horn speakers you’re blowing that crap through … it’s the ear piece of a telephone. Or, even worse, a freakin cell phone. Think about yourself a little bit.

What? Why, yes, as a matter of fact I have been accused of being impatient. I admit it. I’m impatient. I can’t waste my whole time on people out on the road or in a line somewhere moving along like they’re underwater. It’s not so much that I’m in a hurry, I just don’t have any patience for somebody piddly-pooting around everywhere I go. I go to Wal-Mart, for example, just want one thing … a loaf of bread. I go in, go straight to the bread aisle and there ain’t nobody anywhere in the store except for a couple of piddly-pooters there in front of the bread, all spread out trying to decide what kinda bread they want, blocking everything with their buggy, discussing the different kinds of bread and what one costs compared to another, like they’re buying a car or something. Like they’re buying a freakin house. I got no patience with it. Let’s say I need batteries, too. So while Ma and Pa Kettle are trying to make that big, huge decision about what kinda bread to get, I go over to where the batteries are. And there’s another one, spread all out in front of the batteries, scratching their chin, looking at all the different batteries, like “Oh, what to do, what to do? Should I get the double A or the triple? Do I dare eat a peach?” They can’t step to the side out of the way so somebody else can get in there, get their batteries, get their bread and hit the door. No, gotta spend half my life waiting on somebody to do something that don’t have nothing to do with me and takes em all day to do it.

So yeah, I’m impatient. When I was younger I tried not to be, but I grew impatient with the effort. At some point I realized I like being impatient. It discourages people from talking to you or coming around. The more impatient you are, the more likely they’ll be to stay away and that’s the way I like it. A Pew poll released this week said the happiest people in the country are older Republican men. I can see that. I would only add, older impatient Republican men. Now, go bother somebody else for awhile.

WIFE 1 – VERIZON 0

by Kenneth Balog

Since my wife got herself a cell phone a couple years ago, Verizon thought it would be a nice thing to call her and tell her that she, being such a good customer, was eligible for a sweet package of goodies.

The fellow who called said that she could have a month of free service and a new, up-to-date phone — no charge.  I couldn’t help listening and laughing at the conversation.

“Yes maam, one month service free and a new phone, one that can take pictures.”

“I like that idea, because I have always wanted two phones — so my husband can carry one and I can carry the other and we can talk to each other when we want to.”

“Uh, no maam, it doesn’t work that way.  The new phone will replace the old one.  Both can’t work at the same time.”

“Then what good does it do to have two phones?”

“Let me explain again.  We are going to give you a new phone free.”

“I heard that part.  But why won’t my new phone work with the old one?  My old one is still working.”

“It wasn’t working a while ago when we tried to call you on it. We had to call you on your other phone system.”

“I keep it turned off mostly.”

“May I ask why?”

“So the battery won’t run down.”

“Don’t you keep it in the charger?”

“No, the charger is in the kitchen and I don’t usually talk on the phone while I am in there.”

“You can plug the charger in anywhere.”

“Not in the garage.  My husband has so many things plugged in out there that there is no room for anything else.”

“Does your husband carry the cell phone with him?”

“No.  He never uses it.  Besides, when he goes someplace I am usually with him and I carry the phone.”

“Does the phone work properly?  I mean, have you been having any problems with the service?”

“It seems to work fine when I turn it on.”

“Well, your new phone will work even better and you can take pictures with it?”

“Of what?”

“Anything you want.”

“Who would I show them to?”

“Maybe your husband.”

“How will I be able to do that since I won’t be able to call him on the old phone– you just said that both phones will not work at the same time — and the old phone doesn’t take pictures as far as I know.”

“Uh, well alright maam.  To confirm that I am speaking to the correct person, please give me the number of your cell phone.”

“The old one or the new one?”

“The one you are talking on right now.”

“I am not talking on a cell phone.  I am talking on my Bellsouth phone, remember?”

“Uh yes maam.  Okay, what is the number for your cell phone?”

“I don’t remember.  Why should I remember, I never call myself.”

“Maam, the last four numbers are the same as the last four numbers of your social security number — do you remember what those are?”

“I am NOT going to give you my social security number over the telephone.”

“But maam, all I want are the last four numbers.”

“No way.”

“May I speak to your husband?”

“He is busy right now.”

“Should I call back later when it would be convienient to talk to him?”

“Why do you want to talk to my husband?  He isn’t the one who bought the cell phone.  I bought the cell phone so I could have a phone whenever I am out of the house.”

“Maam, I am going to send you a new phone in a package that will contain instructions.  Just follow the instructions to activate the new phone.  Remember, there will be no charge for one month of service and the new phone.”

“Which month?”

“What do you mean?”

“Which month will be free?  Can I have December, because I make a lot of calls in December.  You know, because of the holidays.”

“The free month will start when you activate the new phone.”

“You mean May?  I hardly make any calls in May.  What kind of freebie is that?”

“Is your husband still busy?”

“No!  He is still curled up on the floor laughing like a damn idiot.”

“Well maam, I have to go.  The package containing your new phone and instructions should arrive within a week.”

“If you have to go I suppose you have to go, but I do not think that it is polite to say such things over the telephone.”

“CLICK”

SCIENTIFIC PARADOX

I found it offensive and unnecessary for comedienne Wanda Sykes to make that cruel joke about Sen. Ted Kennedy at Obama’s big Correspondents’ Dinner last week. She said she wished Ted Kennedy would die from a brain tumor. Doesn’t she realize the man has a family? That he’s dedicated his life to public service? That he is, in fact, dying from a brain tumor? That was way out of line and I think she … What? What’s that you’re telling me? Wanda Sykes didn’t say she wished Ted Kennedy would die from a brain tumor, she said she wished Rush Limbaugh would die from kidney failure? Ooooh. Well, that’s different. Nevermind.

And I Quote: “What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.” ~ the late Adrian Rogers

Actually, that quote is relevant enough, I’d like you to see the rest of it …

“… The government can’t give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody. And when half of the people get the idea they don’t have to work because the other half’s going to take care of them, and when the other half get the idea it does no good to work because somebody’s going to get what I work for. That, dear friend, is about the end of any nation.”

Now, can I get an amen up in here?

America is such a great country. The problem is people. People will screw things up every time. If I was God I don’t think I’d see them as redeemable. Course, if I was God, cheeseburgers would grow on trees and politicians would be born with lie detectors in the middle of their face.

There’s a guy in India who hasn’t bathed in over 30 years. Instead of baths, he stands on one leg beside a bonfire every morning, smoking weed and praying to Shiva. I know a guy who does that, too. Only not the part about standing on one leg by a bonfire and praying to Shiva. He’s just a stinky pothead.

Declassified documents have proven beyond any doubt that Nancy Pelosi was lying when she said she didn’t know waterboarding was being used on captured terrorists. But evidently she was telling the truth when she said she would only get in an elevator with Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden if David Feherty was nowhere around.

A woman who’s been dead for 40 years received one of Obama’s stimulus checks. I think she voted for him twelve times, too.

And while I’m on the subject of death, I just want to remind you all that, yes, one day you, too, will be dead. It is inevitable and you can’t get away from it, so get right with God.

A man in Salem, Oregon was arrested and thrown in jail for shocking his kids with an electric dog collar. He said he did it because he “thought it was funny.” Now see, those kids are probably going to grow up with a real good sense of humor cause that does sound pretty hilarious and kids love a good joke. I think the police went too far with this one.

And I Quote: “I thought I was gonna get me an All‑Star ~ grits, sausage, toast, eggs and a waffle.” ~ Crystal Samuel, after she got angry and threw a waffle at a waitress in a South Carolina Waffle House and the waitress shot her

That old saying is so true: Waffles don’t kill people, but a cap in yo ass sho can. But I don’t get Crystal Samuel. She wanted her an All‑Star, with grits and sausage and toast and eggs and the waffle. Then she gets mad at the waitress and throws the waffle at her. Why’d she throw the waffle? That’s what she went there for, that’s part of the All-Star, she wanted her an All‑Star. My question to you is, why didn’t she throw a shoe? Why didn’t she throw a napkin dispenser, some packets of jelly, something like that? She was still going to get shot, why did she throw her waffle? You see what I’m saying? Waffle’s not a good weapon, it’s not going to do any damage, and then you’ve lost your waffle. It’s on the floor and so are you now, with the gunshot wounds. Maybe even still thinking about how much you wanted that All-Star. I don’t think Crystal thought that one through.

GM is hoping Chinese imports will bring the auto industry back to solvency. No, no, not General Motors ~ Government Motors,  with the new CEO, Barack Obama? And who ain’t just dying to own a L’il Noodle hybrid, or the sporty Beijing Boing Boing? They’re assembled in Mexico, come in green and don’t actually run. But they’re inexpensive. Wheels optional.

In New York, they want to start charging homeless people rent. But then, doesn’t that negate them being homeless? If somebody’s paying rent, then that’s their place, that’s where they live, they’re not homeless. See? It’s a scientific paradox. It really is.