Boy. Been over a month since my last column. Been a tough year. Got sick and just haven’t had the juice to crank it out. I even thought about discontinuing the thing altogether cause I doubt it’s doing any good. I doubt ere one of you even noticed I haven’t written anything in so long. Out of sight, out of mind, huh? Or, out of in-box, out of mind, I guess I should say. Here I’ve been writing this column (or “blog,” as the kids are calling it these days) every week for 14 years and ain’t a one of you learned a thing. Not a thing. Made myself sick trying to warn you about the plaque that builds up on the teeth of liberty and the need for regular care and cleaning, and ain’t a one of you listening. I have too much to do to mess with a bunch of ingrates who are more concerned about their cell phone minutes than they are about who’s in the White House. All you wanna do is rock and roll, a hot dog makes you lose control. You better buck up, is all I got to say. I ought to keep writing this column just to punish you. Maybe I will.

Getting worse down south, people dying on the Mexican border, got our two countries at each others’ throats. Problem is a chaotic mix of weapons, drugs, gangs and Democrats. A drug cartel down there is even offering a thousand bucks to any Mexicans or illegals who wants to join up. Like an enlistment bonus in the U.S. Army. So, is there an enemy army gathering on the border? I half expect Santa Anna to come riding into San Antonio and wipe out the Alamo again or something. We’re just barely holding it together down there. I miss the Hispañoles of yesteryear ~ the Cisco Kid and Pancho, Gordo, little Speedy Gonzales with the big yellow sombrero. Shoot, compared to the border trouble today, I’d even settle for those banditos from Treasure of the Sierra Madre, the one guy saying, “Whee doan have to show you no steekin’ bat’jus.” Did you see that movie, Humphrey Bogart? That was a good movie, the banditos cutting open the bags of gold dust at the end looking for plunder, not knowing it’s gold, the gold dust blowing away on the wind back to the Mother Saw, I guess, back to the mountains whence it came. Yeah, so I feel bad for the Mexicans because it’s not “the Mexicans” that’s the problem; it’s the illegals, the drug movers, the terror cells, the guns, the malevolent agents of turmoil, and, yes, the pissy little girlie man in the White House.

“The malevolent agents of turmoil.” That’s grade-A prose, baby. You don’t usually find writing like that outside a novel. And I don’t charge extra for that, either, that’s just how I roll. And I like to think you’re rolling with me. Some of you. Not everybody. Rolling with some of you would creep me out and probably you, too. Best thing when rolling, keep it sane.

And if you really believe that New York mosque at Ground Zero is a community center dedicated to fostering tolerance and understanding between religions, you won’t mind stepping aside while I poop in your cereal, cause, my friend, you’ll swallow anything. Continue Reading

Got some bad news from my cardiologist this week. He said, based on lab results from my last physical, I didn’t have much longer to live. That hit me pretty hard because I’m not a young guy anymore. I asked the doctor how long did I have and he said no more than 20, maybe 30 years. That’s all. Maybe 40 if I take care of myself. Sixty if I turn out to be a freak with an abnormally long life span, and maybe even 90 to 100 years longer than that if I lie about my age. But that’s all. Even with advances in modern medicine and the miracle of Obamacare, that’s all I can expect. Mortality. Wow. And then you die, huh?

In a fit of pique this week, baby daddy in Oakland, California threw his two-year-old daughter into the path of an on-coming automobile. Fortunately, the car was able to stop in the nick of time. Although the child was actually wedged against the car’s undercarriage for a time, she did not suffer life-threatening injuries. I look for Attorney General Eric Holder to file charges against the little girl for obstructing traffic.

A guy in Saudi Arabia identified only as “Turki,” has kept his son chained up in the basement for six years because the boy is “possessed by an evil female genie.” In other words, the kid is gay. Turki also confessed that he, himself, “used to see a woman who would at times appear very beautiful and at times extremely ugly.” But that was probably just his wife. When she had the burka on, she was very beautiful. When the burka came off, she was extremely ugly. Plus the gay son chained in the basement. Continue Reading

Oil spill destroying the Gulf of Mexico, the U.S. and Russia in another Cold War, deficit beyond our ability to pay, government spiraling into totalitarianism … what is wrong with people? You’re worrying about stuff like that when Lindsey Lohan may have to go to jail for 90 days? And then spend another 90 days in re-hab? My God, that’s 180 days. People, these are movie stars. They sacrifice their lives to entertain us, and we throw them in jail? And look at Paul McCartney. Will you still need him, will you still feed him when he’s 64? You say you will, but what about Ringo? Ringo just turned 70. Will you still need him and feed him, too? And those Depends, people, they ain’t gonna change themselves. How far are you really willing to go?

Poor Malia Obama. First, her dad made fun of her grades in school, then her mom said she’s fatter than she needs to be, now her dad’s back cracking on her braces. What’s next? They gonna announce her period? Then Barack added, “She’s, uh, she’s getting too, uhm, too old for me.” So on top of everything else, the kid’s too old? Barack, I hate to tell you, pal, but we’re, uh, we’re all, uhm, getting too, uhm, uh, too old for you.

On the other hand, as Frank Barone once said, “If your kids don’t hate you, you’ve failed as a parent.” So I guess it ain’t no thing but a chicken wing, y’all.

Hey, you were offended by my fiddlin’ Nero gag? Try this on for size …

And I Quote: “I hate white people. All of them. Every last iota of a cracker, I hate him. We didn’t come out here to play today. There’s too much serious business going on in the black community to be out here sliding through South Street with white, dirty, cracker, whore, motherf—-ers on our arm, and we call ourselves black men? …You want freedom, you gonna have to kill some crackers. You gonna have to kill some of their babies.” ~ Samir Shabazz, the billy club welding Black Panther who U.S Attorney General Eric Holder refused to prosecute for intimidating white voters at a polling booth in Philly during the presidential election

Hate speech? Naw … just a little impassioned. Some folks are saying Eric Holder is practicing reverse discrimination by giving Shabazz a pass on the voter intimidation, but I don’t know what reverse discrimination is. Discrimination is discrimination. If you reverse it, it’s still discrimination. Yes? But, “You gonna have to kill some crackers, you gonna have to kill some of their babies”? Change cracker to the N-word and that could be the Democrats’ hero Robert Byrd speaking. Here we are in the 21st century with a black president and all of a sudden it’s 1940 again. Hey, Shabazz, you want to kill cracker babies? Go to school, become an abortion doctor.

You know, I’ve dated a few white, dirty, cracker, whore, motherf—-ers in my time. You get a few beers in em and they can be a lot of fun. Continue Reading

Boy, what a great 4th, huh? Nice weather. I was going to honor the occasion by reading the Declaration of Independence and maybe The Federalist Papers, but, man, we got to grilling out up on the lake, swimming and eating all day. What is it about baked beans? I love those things. Watching the fireworks, eating some more, back home watching Independence Day on the Blu-Ray. So I forgot about the Declaration and the other thing, The Papers. But you know what? It’s like my mother always used to say … Independence, schmendependence … as long as you got high def and some hot dogs, you know what I’m saying? It’s going to be alright.

President Obama has decided to bite the bullet and accept help from other nations with the big oil spill. To Mr. Obama, may I say: Please don’t be hasty, sir. It has only been a little over 80 days that oil has been pouring into the Gulf at a rate of a hundred thousand gallons a day … can’t we give it a few more months? Maybe it’ll stop on its own. I don’t think we need to rush into asking other nations for help over a few oily pelicans. Makes us look weak. You know, sir, patience is a virtue.

Since men and women are working side-by-side aboard the International Space Station, NASA has issued a statement saying sex in space is strictly forbidden. Yeah NASA, and if you believe that you’ll buy this watch (he said, holding up a three dollar Sergio Feinstein).

Woman in Fruita, Colorado said she smashed up her car because she saw a vampire in the road. Cops said they didn’t suspect alcohol or drugs. They just wrote it up as another vampire-related automobile accident. But you know what the irony of that story is? The woman took out werewolf insurance with Allstate just the day before, but thought the vampire insurance was too far-fetched. I say, the vampire insurance was too far-fetched. Is this thing on? (tap!tap!) Can you hear me in the back?

Now: If it ain’t broke, break it.

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In order to support their claims that Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is an activist, Republicans are demanding to see memos she wrote when she was a law clerk for Justice Thurgood Marshall. Some of the documents were retrieved from the Clinton presidential library, some from the National Archives and the rest from Sandy Berger’s pants.

Bubba and Sandy, huh? Still good for a laugh, even after all these years.

And I Quote: “The collapse of the financial system as we know it is real, and the crisis is far from over. Indeed, we have just entered Act II of the drama.” ~ Billionaire “socialist” George Soros (and if you’re gonna be a socialist, that’s the best kind to be)

Of course, that’s Act II of a drama entitled “Dr. Strangemoney, Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Tyranny.”

Soros. Pronounced “Sore-Os.” You know, in the ancient Canaanite, “sore-os” means “these pretzels are making me thirsty.”

Here’s you one to mull over … while the Dutch are lobbying to stop Muslims from immigrating into the Netherlands because they fear for their safety, Prince Charles is actually urging Brits to follow Muslim’s “spiritual principles” in order to save the planet. Good one, Charles. You have Sharia law threatening your judicial stability and Islamo mutts blowing up your citizens, and that’s the best you can come up with? Who are you all of a sudden, Neville Chamberlain? Dude, those are the kind of guys would cut your ears off and use them for coasters and then take offense if you complained. Yeah, let em in your house, Charles. That’s a good plan.

By the way, the Taliban executed a seven-year-old boy recently for being an Afghani spy. What a waste of life. They could have made him a suicide bomb, set him off in some crowded market place or U.S. checkpoint and maximized the carnage tenfold. I mean, since the boy was gonna die anyway, he coulda taken some infidels with him, right? What? You don’t like executed children humor? Hanging a kid who’s still got his baby teeth ain’t your cup of tea? Well, don’t fuss at me … fuss at Prince Charles ~ he’s the one wants to give em the planet.

Speaking of child abuse, a three-year-old girl in China has a pack-a-day cigarette habit and routinely downs three beers at a time. Audrey Silk should hire that little girl to be the new logo for NYC C.L.A.S.H., that’s all I gotta say. But the three-year-old’s mother said the cigarettes and beer help the kid relax. Well, yeah, mom, I guess so. A little smack injected into an artery would probably help, too. Whatever happened to warm milk, a rocking chair and a mother’s lap? That used to help me relax when I was three. That and The Phil Silvers Show. Continue Reading

Nasa has issued a warning that the sun is “waking up from a deep slumber” and will shortly renew its efforts to globally warminate us into extinction. Nasa, dude, you can’t even predict the weather on earth and it’s right under your nose … how you going to predict the weather on something that’s ninety three million miles out in space? Anyway, if that’s all it is, there’s a simple solution ~ inject the sun with some big fireproof sleeping pills, put the thing back to sleep.

The New York City Council has approved plans for an Islamic mosque to be built near ground zero in Manhattan. Which is good news for developers because now they can go forward with plans to build that Alpine-themed water park around Auschwitz, that Lee Harvey Oswald museum on the grassy knoll and a Kool-Aid factory in Jonestown, Guyana.

I know hindsight is 20/20, but we wouldn’t be having that oil spill in the Gulf right now if we’d been drilling on dry land. It’s a lot easier to do things with tools and such when you’re not under 5,000 feet of water. That’s one of the reasons we stopped being fish and became air breathers. We wanted to come up on dry land and do stuff with tools and such, even back then.

BP has tried various techniques to stop the spill ~ the “top kill,” the “junk shot,” the “top hat” ~ but none of them have worked. Now they’re going to try the “seabed retread.” And if that don’t work, they promise to keep coming up with catchy names until they find one that does.

After 40 years of marriage, the couple that inspired Love Story, AlGore and Tipper, are calling it quits. Somebody said he blames her for the break-up because her sea levels won’t stop rising and she blames him because his ice cap won’t stop shrinking and that’s never a good thing. I heard she got fed up with him tracking carbon footprints all over the white Broadloom carpet, too, in that $8 million seaside mansion in California. Plus all the methane AlGore emits; the boy really has gone green. Course, people calling her Mrs. ManBearPig couldn’t have helped any either. I blame a locked box and a dangling chad. But 40 years is a long time ~ it could have been an inconvenient truth or an incontinent truth, I don’t know and wouldn’t say if I did. Truth is, George Bush did it … because George Bush don’t like wood people. But cracking on AlGore is too easy so I’ll stop now. Right after I say, thanks for inventing the Internet, AlGore. Without it, I would have no forum in which to crack on you. Continue Reading

A custodian in Danvers, Massachusetts barely escaped injury when he was sucked into a vacuum-type sausage-making machine. When asked to describe the accident, witnesses said they never sausage a thing. (I won’t apologize for that)

Also in Massachusetts, near Boston, a guy was arrested for trying to swap his three-month-old baby for a couple of 40-ounce beers. His wife became furious when she found out because she had already set up a deal to swap the baby for a carton of cigarettes, bada BING!

In 1789, George Washington checked out The Law of Nations, by Emer de Vattel, from the venerable New York Society Library and never returned it. The fine for a library book 221 years overdue is around $300,000. You think George is going to pay that? I don’t see how, man’s been dead over 200 years. Meanwhile, a copy of Brown Sugar: I Bet Your Mama Was A Tent Show Queen, checked out by Thomas Jefferson is still missing.

And I Quote: “Plug the damn hole.” ~ President Obama, finally stepping in and taking charge of the Gulf’s oil spill problem

Meanwhile you got all them engineers and oil executives going, “Of course! Why didn’t we think of that? It’s so obvious. Somebody go get one of those big oil spill plugs from the warehouse.”

They say a ”bubble of methane” caused that BP oil rig to explode. Said a bubble of methane escaped from the well and expanded as it traveled up the drill column, bursting out the seals and finally exploding. Which gave me this weird déjà vu because that exactly describes the process every time ol’ Bud Leonard cracks a fart. Continue Reading

Yale researchers now claim that babies as young as six months already know the difference between right and wrong. For example, if a baby is crawling along the sidewalk and happens upon a new car parked there with the key in the ignition, four out of five of em will just keep on crawling. That’s because most babies six months and older have seen that show “Bait Car” on TruTV and they don’t want to risk getting caught in a police sting. But I’ll tell you, that one baby that does crawl up in that car and takes off and it’s not a police sting, just some careless person who left their keys in the car? Well, that baby just snagged itself a pretty sweet ride.

Actually, if you really want to offend a baby, call em a fetus. They hate that.

A fat girl in Nebraska was at a drinking party last week and around 3:00 a.m. some guy called her “fat.” She chased the guy outside and half a block down the street, tackled him and bit off his ear. But in her defense, at the time, she thought his ear was an onion ring. You don’t mess with a fat girl with the munchies at three in the morning. Live and learn, earless guy. Just be glad she didn’t mistake your junk for an eggroll.

Was that image too disturbing? Try this one: Live and learn, earless guy. Just be glad she didn’t mistake your face for a meatloaf.

Better? Worse? About the same?

Now I’m thinking about meatloaf.

Ol’ AlGore called out the media this week, claiming they’ve “done a particularly bad job covering the climate crisis.” AlGore, relax, bruh, it’s the media. They do a bad job covering everything. Continue Reading

Welcome to “Out Of My Mind” … the column that boldly goes where somebody’s already gone and then they send word back that it’s safe for others to go there, too.

Okay, this is creepy. Hugo Chavez is now on Twitter. That’s some kind of weird future world amalgam or something. Some 21st century global reboot where ruthless dictators now embrace their girly man. When they’re not subjugating the masses, they’re on Twitter and FaceBook. Can’t you see Fidel Castro Tweeting? “For the record, I’ve killed more Yankee imperialists than that femenino Che Guevara ever thought about killing.” Or Kim Jong-il? “More fried dog and keep it coming.” Or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? “Nuked my first Jew today. Tomorrow I will try jet skiing.”

Here’s another new century amalgam … newspapers are dropping like dinosaurs during nuclear winter. They’re like lamplighters or town criers or something. Like 8-track tapes. Their deadline has passed. Rupert Murdoch said they should all go cyber and put up a “pay wall,” charge a fee for access to the paper’s website. Ol’ Rupert will find him a wall alright. The same way Humpty Dumpty did, cause nobody’s going to pay for the mainstream crap when they can get their crap for free online.

Man, now I’m thinking about Humpty Dumpty. Poor guy, you know that had to be rough.

Came across this haiku in my files from last February. It’s something I found online, a comment some poster made at Politico.com. It’s called, “Press corp(se) haiku” …

Glib idiot Gibbs

Laugh while you can, monkey boy

November awaits.

I like a good haiku, it inspired me to write one of my own. Mine’s called, “Out Of My Mind” …

The guy babbles on

It’s filler for his column

J. Michael’s haiku.

Nancy Pelosi called a press conference to unveil the new light fixtures, motion sensors and automatic window shades she had installed in the Congressional cafeteria. The fixtures cost 140 grand, but Nancy likes them and they’ll pay for themselves in energy savings in 10 years or so. Then she held a second press conference to unveil a statue in the Congressional lobby made of sweet legume salsa, finely chopped, whipped until creamy and sculpted into the shape of a gladly happy heart. In a third press conference, she sang a few songs from the Beatles’ Revolver album and in a fourth, demonstrated how she could detach her lower jaw and store it in her purse.

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Received an email this week warning me that the next time I’m in a restaurant to carefully check my drinking straw to make sure there aren’t any cockroach eggs in there. According to the email, this has become an issue in restaurants. And the darker the straw (black or red), the more cockroach eggs. I think this is just a rumor started by the anti-cockroach faction of the racist Republican Party. You know, we eat chicken eggs, duck eggs, ostrich eggs, Easter eggs, even those chocolate Cadbury eggs that rabbits lay. Why are we cracking on the cockroaches? A poached cockroach egg is chock full of good cholesterol. Or, if it isn’t, maybe one day it will be.

Of course, the downside would be, you go in a restaurant for breakfast that serves la cucaracha huevos and order grits, bacon, biscuits and gravy, and ten thousand eggs over easy. Might take a little longer to get the order out of the kitchen, that’s all I’m saying. And I would imagine a cockroach egg would be hard to fry without breaking the yellow, tiny as they are. Well, it’s not really yellow so much as it’s brown, but still.

You like my Spanish? Coming right along, huh? La cucaracha huevos … “the cockroach eggs,” right? Used an online translator. Couple more years, it might be a law we have to speak Spanish, so I figured I should start trying to hablar a few palabras, sí?

And brush up on my Farsi, too, just in case.

Anyway, I don’t need a straw to get my daily requirement of roach eggs. I find it more practical to just lick them right off the floor under the sink.

Hah! Now you’re turning away in revulsion. I know, I know. But comedy ain’t pretty, my peeps. And even though what I do might not actually be comedy, it still ain’t pretty.

Speaking of ain’t pretty, the feds want the Kennedys to go over Ted’s FBI file before going public with it. Don’t wanna embarrass the family that made their fortune bootlegging, supported Hitler and enlisted the aid of the mafia to win the White House. Camelot? How about scamalot? Anyway, after seeing that photograph of Ted Kennedy jogging along the beach wearing nothing but his tennies, I can’t imagine what’s in his file that could be more embarrassing. Big old fat, bloated, inebriated, naked, big-belly man. I doubt he even saw his winky tink the last 50 years of his life down there somewhere below his belly. Yeah, don’t want nobody getting embarrassed by that.

And I Quote: “We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” ~ Aesop

And on top of everything else, the doormen in New York are threatening to go on strike. God help all those thousands of people ~ families! ~ in New York who would have to open their own doors. I can’t even imagine how they will cope without their doormen. Haven’t they suffered enough? How much must one people endure? I will be closely watching this situation. Continue Reading