I think the most annoying new buzzword to come out of the whole global warming fad has got to be “carbon footprint.” A politically correctoid can’t utter two sentences without using that expression six times. Even more annoying is some of the definitions of said footprint; such as,”a measure of embodied energy,” “the result of life cycle analysis.” Embodied energy? Life cycle analysis? I must say, special interest spin doctors are reducing the English language to nothing more than hot air and empty rhetoric.

Speaking of empty rhetoric, add the above paragraph.

Speaking of hot air, maybe that’s what’s causing the earth to heat up.

And for the record, my carbon footprint is an 11D.

A new New York Times/CBS poll shows that 42 percent of respondents now think the initial incursion into Iraq was the right thing to do. In May, that number was 35 percent, so it seems Americans are rethinking the war. Or at least the reason for the war. But what struck me about the poll and the reason I even mention it, it was a New York Times/CBS poll! That must have been galling for those Bush haters at the Times and CBS to have to report that support for the president going after Saddam is actually up. In fact, now I think about it, I wonder what the real numbers in that poll were? You know how that bunch at CBS lie … even with Dan Rather gone.

Vintage Quote of the Week: “What will come out eventually must come out immediately.” ~ Henry Kissinger

Okay … cut briefly to the Bradley County Commission ~ I’ll bet you even money the next chair of the Finance Committee will be Ed Elkins. Any takers?

Another poll ~ the 2007 Pew Global Attitudes Project survey ~ has found that Muslims in the Middle East are finally getting tired of the suicide bombings and terrorist violence that has taken the lives of so many thousands of Muslim civilians (like Wednesday’s bombings in Baghdad while Iraqis celebrated their victory in the Asian Cup). You notice it’s the deaths of Muslim civilians that concern them. Long as it’s Jews and Americans being killed the Islamoes are all for it. “Lay on, my terrorist brothers! Lay on, I say! Death to the great Satan and its lap dog Israel! Allahu Akbar!”

Bear in mind, too ~ it’s Islamoes killing Islamoes. For instance, one person was killed and 17 others wounded on Wednesday from “celebratory” gunfire after the Asian Cup. Celebratory gunfire is that quaint custom Arabs have of shooting firearms off into the air when they’re happy (kinda like Yosemite Sam?). Only thing is, what goes up must come down ~ and when those bullets come down, they come down with the same velocity and force with which they went up.

Speaking of terrorists, top military commander General Gene Renuart says al-Qaida is creating terror cells in the U.S. No! Really? I don’t believe it! Next you’ll be telling me they’re coming into our country illegally along our southern border.

Lastly, Russia’s Pravda reports that ancient civilizations may very well exist at the center of the earth and that UFOs originate ~ not from space ~ but from there. Stories of legendary cities such as Hyperborea, Shambala and Plutonia existing within the earth have been around since the days of Plato. But, then again, so has Tom Rowland. Personally, I’ve long suspected that armies from the earth’s core are plotting to invade the surface world and steal our women and our corn. Maria Gavrilo, a research officer from the Arctic and Antarctic Research Institute, poo-poos the whole notion of middle earth civilizations, but we all know she’s part of a Plutonia sleeper cell and not to be believed.

Hey, here’s a surprise ~ the newest Zogby poll rates this Democrat-controlled Congress with an 83 percent disapproval rating. Yikes! That’s the worst grade Zogby’s ever had for Congress. Ever! Maybe the Republicans suck, but evidently the Democrats suck worser. I hate to say it, but the government’s out of control. I guess they figure since they’re all on the highway to hell they may as well enjoy the ride.

Case in point ~ smarmy, lowlife Congressman John Murtha recently sponsored (successfully) a million-dollar “earmark” for the Center for Instrumented Critical Infrastructure (CICI). Fine ~ except the CICI don’t exist. No problem ~ since the CICI is a bogus outfit, they just gave the money to Concurrent Technologies Corporation (CTC) instead. And, oh yeah, CTC’s campaign finance records show that CTC President-slash-CEO, Daniel DeVos, has forked over seven large to Murtha’s reelection campaign since April 2002.

By the way, Murtha (for those of you who don’t remember ~ which will be most of you) was one of those politicians caught taking bribes during the Abscam sting back in the late 70s. He was indicted but never prosecuted because he rolled over on a couple others and ratted them out to save his own skin. So he’s not just a bribe taker, he’s also a squealer.

Quote of the Week: “Do what is right in the eyes of God, do what is right for (your) families, and do what is right for the community and the people you serve.” ~ former state representative Chris Newton discussing what he’s learned from his experience with Tennessee Waltz and the resulting jail time

Amen, Chris, amen. I would only add ~ and leave the place better than you found it.

And I don’t want to sound like a George Bush apologist, but I keep hearing people say he’s “dumb as a bag of rocks.” That might be a stretch. I don’t know many rocks who hold a MBA from Harvard. Maybe some exceptionally bright pet rocks do. Or some of those rocks they have in the Smithsonian. But technically, just as a rule of thumb, I think your average, garden variety bag of rocks is, in fact, dumber than George Bush. Again, I could be wrong.

You may think that’s unnecessary information, but evidently there’s a great need for unnecessary information these days. For example, take the unnecessary information found in many commercial products ~ like the warning found on bottles of Nytol Sleep Aid that say, “Warning: may cause drowsiness.” See what I mean? Not just unnecessary, either, but totally useless.

Here’s another one ~ this little gem is included with most all brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” Indoor or outdoor use only? What does that even mean? That you can’t use the lights in time portals or negative universes? Where else’re you going to be, you’re not indoors or outdoors?

Here’s another good one, a study in understatement. The fine folks at Sainbury’s Peanuts felt compelled to put this warning on their product: “Warning: contains nuts.” Personally, I appreciate the tip because a jar of nuts is the last place I’d expect to find a nut.

And this cryptic little piece of information is found on a Japanese-made food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” Either someone in Japan needs to brush up on their English, or else they should explain what that “other use” might be. Foot warmer? Cigarette holder? Pokamon replicator? What?

Okay, I’m on a roll with it now, so here’s a few more ~

On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” Ooookay.

On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” But if I don’t purchase the thing, how’m I gonna know?

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” What if I don’t know how to use regular soap?

On a kid’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” Of course, I learned this many years ago ~ the hard way.

On a Tesco dessert dish, printed on the bottom: “Do not turn upside down.” Oops ~ too late.

But I gotta tell you, the prize for the most unnecessary, useless piece of information has got to go to the Swedes. There’s actually a warning on a Swedish chainsaw that reads: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” Okay, maybe there’s somebody who would try to stop a moving chainsaw with their hands ~ but with their genitals? How could it even occur to someone to do that? And if it did occur to them ~ well, wouldn’t it be just as well that they didn’t reproduce?

Okay, that’s enough. I’m way over-long with this column and way off-topic. But really ~ stopping a chainsaw with your genitals? How could it even enter a person’s mind to do something like that? Sure, I might occasionally drive a car with my genitals or maybe write a column with my genitals, or even wrap myself in my genitals to stay warm on a cold night ~ but stopping a chainsaw? No thank you, please ~ I may be crazy, but I ain’t stupid.

Good to see that Minnesota is taking a lead from Tennessee regarding the flag. In Tennessee, it is law that any American flag purchased with taxpayer money cannot be imported from another country (yeah, in your face, China). New Jersey and Pennsylvania are also considering the same legislation. And in Arizona, schools and colleges are required to place a flag in every classroom. Normally, I don’t agree with the government pushing through laws like that, but in the case of the flag ~ and considering the anti-American faction here in this country ~ I’m all for it. The flag is a symbol and protecting it seems appropriately symbolic. Read into that what you will. God bless America.

I had thought the most idiotic Bush bashing statement I’d ever heard was something a black woman I know in Dalton said last year (she’s a teacher, mind you ~ a teacher!) … she said there was a satellite in orbit that could control the weather and Bush had used that satellite to create hurricane Katrina in an attempt to kill the black people in New Orleans. Said it without a trace of guile. Dumb. Incomprehensibly dumb. Brain dead dumb. And don’t forget … this woman is a teacher. Okay, but wait ~ now I think I’ve found someone even dumber than her. Last November, Christine Boutin, France’s Housing Minister, said she thought Bush could very well have been behind the September 11 attacks on the Pentagon and World Trade Towers. Ladies and gentlemen, we have found a new category of dumb: “French dumb!” The only way to be dumber than French dumb is to believe last Saturday’s preachy, over-blown Live Earth concert will actually impact the temperature of the sun.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute … I got a better one: The only way to be dumber than French dumb is to actually believe that ethanol is a less costly and more efficient alternative to fossil fuel. No, I’m serious, if the government wasn’t subsidizing the stuff, it would cost way more than gasoline at the pump. Further, it’s more expensive to produce, actually creates more pollution and will eventually raise the cost of movie popcorn to over 20 bucks a tub (25 with that artificial butter stuff).

See? You really can fool some of the people all of the time.

You know, speaking of French dumb, new French President Nicolas Sarkozy told Barbara Streisand recently after a concert she gave over there that she was “the America that we (French people) love.” Further proof that “French dumb” really is a legitimate new level of dumbness that reaches lower than any previously known level of dumbness.

The bad news … Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III, was arrested after a high speed police chase and charged with possessing controlled substances, including pot, Valium, Xanax, Vicodin, Adderall and Soma. The good news … he was driving a green-friendly Toyota Prius hybrid.

And for an example of conspicuous consumption taken to the max, consider that John Edwards’ hairstylist recently revealed that Edwards actually spent upward of $1,250 for a haircut. He also said he routinely charges Edwards $300 to $500 for his haircuts. What I still don’t understand is … have you seen Edwards’ hair? It’s a haircut! Just a plain old boring, preppy, parted-on-the-side haircut. That’s all. Nothing fancy, nothing special, just a haircut. What does Edwards pay for a gallon of milk? A million dollars? I’m sorry, but John Edwards is a preening idiot and a clear example of someone with more money than sense. Oops … you know what? I think “John Edwards dumb” just trumped French dumb.

And once again the question of the week comes from jcar1620, who asks, “J. Michael, What are your thoughts on Osama?” Well, jcar1620, my thoughts on Osama are, I think if Hillary gets the Democrat nomination, she will probably want him onboard as her VP candidate. If Osama gets the nomination, he won’t touch her with a 10-foot pole. She needs him way more than he needs her. As to which one will become the Dems candidate, who can say? (Note to readers: all this is only amusing if you read last week’s question from jcar 1620 … and then it’s only mildly amusing)

jcar1620 also asks, “J. Michael, the president didn’t pardon Scooter he just commuted his jail time, right?” Sorry, jcar1620 ~ only one question per column.

Hope everyone enjoyed a safe and enjoyable 4th of July as we celebrated 231 years of freedom. Well, what we loosely refer to as freedom, thanks to the Islamo-facists and their destructive obsession with themselves.

Speaking of whom …

Columnist Cal Thomas has come under fire for describing Islam as a “slow spreading cancer” on the planet. The Council on American-Islamic Relations was outraged (of course) and labeled him “Islamophobic.” But I say look again, Council on American-Islamic Relations … Cal’s right on the money. Islam is a cancer on the planet ~ and not such a slow spreading one either. Maybe folks wouldn’t be so “Islamophobic” (i.e., afraid of Islam) if Muslims would demonstrate something beside wild-eyed madness and a breathless enthusiasm to kill everyone who doesn’t think the way they do. Seriously, these idiots are still mad over stuff that may or may not have happened way back in pre-history. “Rational” is not in their vocabulary. Muslims make Nazis look like boy scouts. But, hey ~ that’s just me.

And in that vein … the question of the week comes from jcar1620, who asks, “J. Michael, what are your thoughts on Obama?” Well, jcar1620, my thoughts on Obama are, I think he was probably killed in one of the early air strikes on Taliban hideouts in the Afghani mountains back in those heady days following 9/11, back before Bush went completely off his tree. If Obama was still alive, surely al Qaeda would be using him to spearhead the Islamic nutbags in their jihad. Also, quite honestly, I think if Obama were still alive, he would have been captured by now. Saddam couldn’t escape and neither could Obama.

Golden Oldie Quote of the Week: “Why don’t we just ask Osama bin Laden … uh, Osama Obama … Obama bin Laden … let’s ask Osama Obama … uh …” ~ Ted Kennedy back in January of ’05, trying to pronounce Barack Obama’s name

And another Quote of the Week: “This (Scooter Libby) commutation sends the clear signal that in (the Bush) administration, cronyism and ideology trump competence and justice.” ~ Hillary Rodham Clinton blasting President Bush for granting Scooter Libby a pardon

Okay, Hillary, your criticism is not simply disingenious and partisan, it’s also hypocritical, sniveling and typical of the Dems leadership. In case you have forgotten the long list of crooks, swindlers and crackheads your hubby Bill pardoned, I have provided you a link to refresh your memory, along with all the many offenses that earned them their jail time to begin with. Okay? You ready? Just log onto: http://usdoj.gov/pardon/clintonpardon_grants.htm … but don’t try to read all the names in one sitting as the list stretches out the door, down the street, around the block and into the next county (and yes, Bill’s baby brother Roger is on the list, for two counts: 1. Conspiracy to distribute cocaine, and 2. Distribution of cocaine).

Now shut up, shut up, shut up you insufferable, lying, phony-baloney, two-faced, two-bit, self-serving politicians. God will remember the way you’ve raped and abused our country. And no, Republicans, you’re not off the hook ~ you’re just the other side of the coin. You all stink to Heaven. Why can’t you creeps do something good for a change and collectively die in your sleep?

Whew. I’m glad I got that off my chest. But I’m tired of wasting my breath complaining about cheesy, soulless politicians. Instead, I would like to take this occasion here on Independence Day to do something constructive for the world. I want to do something about this global warming crisis and I want you all to help me. Here’s what I’d like you to do … everybody turn toward the sun and on the count of three I want you all to blow just as hard as you can, like you’re blowing out a big candle. What? No, don’t be ridiculous ~ you won’t actually be able to blow out the sun … but if we all join together maybe we can cool it down a little. Okay? Okay. Now ~ one … two … three … BLOW! Yeah! That’s what I’m taking about. Feels like things just cooled off at least three degrees. Everybody else is talking about the weather, but we’re actually doing something. Oh yeah, green’s the way we roll.