Last week in Los Angeles, Nicole Richie was forced to serve 82 minutes of a four-day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs. Evidently, the harsh punishment was imposed by a judge who wanted to send a message to celebrities who break the law that their behavior will no longer be tolerated.

A Kenyan village is being harassed by aggressive, out-of-control monkeys who plunder the crops, throw rocks at the children and sexually harass the women. At the end of the day, the monkeys return to their regular jobs in Bradley County government.

Speaking of monkeys, a new study ~ hailed as a”landmark” study ~ published in the British journal Nature, now claims that man split from apes six or seven million years earlier than previously believed. Assuming, of course, that you believe man came from apes in the first place. And assuming you do, why is it that science keeps pushing the origin of man on the planet further and further back into the distant, misty realms of prehistory …

Wait a minute, I’ve just been handed a bulletin … ladies and gentlemen, according to an even newer, more landmark study, the origin of man has been traced back to several million years before the Big Bang, where man is now thought to have originated from a cosmological wormhole which goes back even further to a period before God was born, at which point man’s origin looped through a time-space anomaly that went back so far it actually emerged in our own distance future, and then continued backward through time to a point approximately three weeks from now. So, according to this really new study, man evidently first appeared on earth shortly after the up-coming Labor Day weekend. No word yet on when woman showed up.

And yes, I don’t know what I’m even talking about. But evidently I’m not the only one. Consider Miss South Carolina Teen, Lauren Caitlin Upton … she was asked during the Miss Teen USA pageant why some Americans could not locate the United States on a world map. Her answer: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

Not to pick on Lauren Caitlin Upton, but a better question might be why some Americans can’t locate their own brain with a CAT scan.

That little pimple, John Edwards, actually came out with a gem the other day. He said, “I want to say … the system in Washington is rigged, and I’ll say it again, it’s rigged and it’s rigged by greedy powers … It’s rigged by the system to favor the establishment.” Boy, John … I know your statement was purely self-serving, but even so, you have spoken truth, my coifed, pudly little friend. In fact, substitute “Cleveland/Bradley” for “Washington” and you have hit the nail and I’ll say it again, you have hit the nail and you have hit the nail squarely on the head.

Quote of the Week: “If certain things happen between now and the election, particularly with respect to terrorism, that will automatically give the Republicans an advantage again, no matter how badly they have mishandled it, no matter how much more dangerous they have made the world. So I think I’m the best of the Democrats to deal with that.” ~ Hillary Clinton

Of course, if Hillary is the best Democrat to deal with that, then that just further proves the point that there is no Democrat well suited to deal with that.

And let’s close with this … John Edwards chided a bunch of folks from the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers in Lake Buena Vista, Florida this week, saying Americans should give up their gas guzzling SUVs and drive more fuel-efficient cars … right before he drove off in his Cadillac SRX Crossover SUV (which gets 15 miles to the gallon). And let’s not even start talking about private jets, yes?

Worst idea since vomit-flavored jelly beans: A public school in Brooklyn, New York with an “Arab theme” is opening despite outrage in the community. Even more nauseating is, they’re naming the place “The Khalil Gibran International Academy.” Khalil Gibran? What’re they, kidding? The least they could of done was name it after Omar Sharif. Or Paula Abdul. Or even Osama bin Laden. But Khalil Gibran? I guess I shouldn’t complain, though … they could have called it the Cat Stevens School.

The “Baghdad Diarist” has been exposed as a ploy by The New Republic to propagandize the war. The author ~ who claimed to be reporting first hand of atrocities in Iraq ~ turns out to be Pvt. Scott Thomas Beauchamp, a sure-enough GI … but the diaries are fake ~ just a bunch of made-up hooie. When the military found out what Beaucheamp was doing they launched an investigation into his war atrocity allegations and he quickly “‘fessed up, admitting that everything he had written was a lie. Of course, The New Republic refuses to acknowledge Beauchamp’s scam, thereby sacrificing what little credibility they had at the altar of “Dan Rather journalism;” that is, maybe it ain’t true, but we wish it was so we’ll go with the story anyway.

And more politically correct propaganda: John McCaslin reported in his “Inside the Beltway” column last week that a page two headline in The Washington Post dated November 2, 1922, read, “Arctic Ocean Getting Warm; Seals Vanish and Icebergs Melt.” Deja vu all over again, huh? McCaslin said this was just one of several articles he found at the Library of Congress that ran during the 1920s and 1930s that belied the shrill claims of neo-environmentalists (including NASA) that 1998 was the hottest year on record. A red-faced NASA has since adjusted the “mean U.S. temperature anomalies” for the years 2000-2006 downward. New, corrected data indicate that four of the10 hottest years in U.S. history were actually in the 1930s, with the all-time hottest year being in 1934. Anybody ever hear of the “dust bowl”? Remember that? From the history books? Hot? Dry? Depression-era stuff? Huh? Huh? Anybody?

Quote of the Week: “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” ~ Leona Helmsley, who died this week at age 87

If not death and taxes, Leona, then for sure death, huh? The great equalizer

Okay, first Bill Clinton was hailed as the “first black president.” Now Hillary’s catching criticism because she’s “not black enough.” Uh … people, I hate to tell you but … Bill and Hillary ain’t black. Has no one noticed that? They’re white people, both of them. Nobody black there, hello? Just two white folk. Can we move on?

The good news: Karl Rove resigned. The bad news: He’s being replaced by his evil twin.

Okay, all together now ~ “But we thought Karl Rove was the evil twin …”

Define irony: Pretty boy John Edwards expressing outrage over the exorbitant costs of healthcare. (It’s ironic, see, because as an attorney he made his bazillions by winning “slip-and-fall” lawsuits against doctors … which, see, caused malpractice rates to soar … thereby creating exorbitant healthcare costs … see, he … oh come on, don’t make me have to explain every little thing to you. Edwards is a coifed little pud. That’s all you need to know.)

Here … see if this helps any …

Quote of the Week: “I think Senator Edwards … has come across in this campaign to some as being less than authentic.” ~ Andy Arnold, chairman of the Greenville, S.C., Democratic Party

Thanks, Andy. That’s more what I was trying to say.

I don’t even know why I’m wasting my breath on Edwards anyway. He doesn’t stand a chance of winning the nomination. I just get so bent out of shape over these creepy, duplicitous schmucks that have taken over our political system. Glad we ain’t got nobody like that here in Bradley County.

ACK! HACK! COUGH! COUGH! … sorry … I just choked on my words. I better go lie down.

MEZZALUNACY ~ AN INTERVIEW WITH O.J. SIMPSON
or: If I Did It, If I Didn’t Do It ~ What’s the Diff?

(In this EXCLUSIVE “Out Of My Mind” special report, O.J. Simpson agreed to sit down with yours truly and discuss his controversial book entitled, O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened. The rights to this book have already been snatched away by Fred Goldman, but the Juice just can’t help talking. Now he’s talking to me. Of course, “Out Of My Mind” has long held that free speech is the cornerstone of any democracy and I feel that to disallow O.J. Simpson a chance to speak about his homicidal escapades simply feeds into the current trend to ban “unpopular” or so-called “hate” speech. Plus, if Fred Goldman can exploit this thing, so can I.)

JML: O.J. Simpson. Thank you for joining me here today.
A: Thanks for having me. Nobody wants to talk to the Juice no more so I’m glad to be here. Do I get paid for this?

JML: No.
OJ: Do I get a gratuity?

JML: I’ll send a check in your name to “Parents of Murdered Children.”
OJ: Hahahaha. Zing!

JML: I guess it was inevitable that your new book would meet with opposition. A dozen Fox affiliate stations had already backed out of airing your interview and I think lawyers were lining up for a crack at any book royalties. Then here comes Fred Goldman and snarfs it right out of your hands.
OJ: Well, I got lawyers, too, and they don’t care squat about what some old white judge say. Shoot, I get over 400 large every year just from my football pension. That’s almost half a million dead presidents every year for the rest of my life, and that’s my money ~ Goldman can’t touch it.

JML: How much were you ordered to pay them?
OJ: The Goldmans? Who cares? Haha. Thirty, forty million? A hundred million, two hundred … eight hundred million? You know how much money I’ve paid out to Fred Goldman?

JML: No.
OJ: Squat. Hahahaha. Nada, zilch, zero, goose egg, dick, nothing hahahaha. Do you know how much I will ever pay to Fred Goldman?

JML: No.
OJ: Please refer to my previous answer. Hahahaha, you know?

JML: You were getting a lot of press from the Fox interview last year. They were planning two nights during sweeps, the Juice out there with a book talking about how he would have handled the killing of Nicole and Goldman. You were set to make a lot of money until Rupert Murdoch stepped in and pulled the plug.
OJ: Sales had been strong. My book made the top 20 on Amazon.com, but after Murdoch stuck his ugly Aussie nose into it, it dropped past number 50 and was gone, Jack. That’s not fair. I’ve been pimped for 13 years. Everyone’s made money on me. Don’t you think it’s about my turn to make a little money off the whole thing? I’ll tell you this, Murdoch needs to worry more about Murdoch and less about O.J. Be a shame the man wake up one day and find one’a them big ol’ Crocodile Dundee knives sticking out of what’s left of his face.

JML: Dude, easy …
OJ: I’m just sayin’. Don’t nobody wanna cut ol’ Juice any slack just because of one little indiscretion he may or may not have made way back when …

JML: Indiscretion? You mean killing two people?
OJ: Naw, man … I mean dropping that effing glove. White people be gettin’ away with killing black people for years, but let a black man kill one skinny white woman or some white bus boy, and they be all over him. You know, I ain’t hardly killed nobody in years. But see, the media don’t give me credit for that.

JML: There are some who feel you have a lot of anger.
OJ: Hey, I ain’t got as much anger as Mel Gibson … or that Kramer dude. But that’s okay cause they both white. I’ll tell you this ~ if that Kramer cat had been holding a knife instead of a microphone, he might of been heading for the border in a white Bronco with a disguise on his lap, too, cause he’d of sure left two dead Negroes up in that comedy club balcony …

JML: Hey, hey … please, let’s not … O.J., please …
OJ: I’m just sayin’.

JML: We want to keep this interview on a certain plane, a certain level of civility. Please. Let’s not set off any racial stink bombs, okay?
OJ: How you gonna talk about O.J. without putting race in it? It never was about O.J. anyway … or Nicole or Ron Goldman … it was about who would win that trial ~ black people or white people. And the black people sure won it, too. Yeah, score! I wanted to do one of them infield jigs, but Cochran and Shapiro told me I had to act cool behind it. You know, humble, hahahaha … which was kind’a hard for me, hahahahaha, you know?

JML: You were acquitted of murder in your criminal trial but later found guilty in civil court.
OJ: I was found liable, not guilty. And you tell me how one court could find me innocent and then turn around and another court find me liable? What they gonna do, keep recirculating a black man through the System until they get the result they want? Naw, man, that’s racism. Yeah, they call it the justice system cause that’s all you see there ~ just us, hahahaha.

JML: I liked that joke better when Richard Pryor did it.
OJ: Well, Pryor’s a comedian. I’m a kill …. uh, I’m a football player. Was. Now I’m a golfer.

JML: Okay. Well, the premise of your book is how you would have killed Nicole and Goldman if you had it to do over again …
OJ: Naw … it’s about how I would have killed them if I had killed them. And that’s a pretty big “if” … if I was gonna kill them, then how I would of done it ~ that’s what the book about.

JML: Okay … if. How would you have done it, if you had done it?
OJ: Wouldn’t have left no bloody glove out back of the house for one thing, I’ll tell you that for free, hahaha. Boy, that was sloppy, haha. Penalty on the play, you know what I’m sayin’ hahahaha.

JML: Dude, how did you even come up with the idea to write this book anyway? Where did this even come from?
OJ: Well, I was thinking about writing a book, you know. Everybody be writing books now. And they say you should always write about what you know, so …

JML: But why not just confess? You can’t be tried again, Goldmans already got their judgment. Why not just man up and tell what happened?
OJ: Well, I thought about that. Cause you know, like you said, law can’t touch me. But I got kids. And I can’t have them hear me say those words. Not so much the one, what’s-his-name, my son, I forget his name … but that Sydney ~ my Lord, she so much like her mama now anyway, sometimes I have to hold myself back from going after her with a carving knife, you know, hahahaha … maybe get her with a chain saw, you know, hahahaha, shut up that whining little Nicole-looking mouth of hers. But, naw … I tell her I cut her mama’s throat, she’d never let me live it down. She’s hard enough to get along with now, I don’t need to hear that every waking hour of my live, hahahaha ~ “You killed my mama! You killed my mama!” Hahahaha, broken record, you know what I mean?

JML: Okay. So … then how would you have killed Nicole and Ron Goldman … if you had killed them?
OJ: Well, first of all, I wouldn’t have killed Goldman at all. I didn’t even know the boy. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, you understand? At least not at first I wouldn’t have. Now, though, after 13 years of listening to Fred Goldman and that nappy-headed daughter of his calling me a murderer every time somebody sticks a camera in they face, I might would just kill Ron now for spite, you know, hahahaha. Kill his nappy-headed little sister, too, hahaha, you know what I’m sayin’? That’d piss ol’ Fred off, wouldn’t it? Hahaha …

JML: So how would you have killed Nicole and Goldman … if you had killed them?
OJ: Well, I’d have got an alibi first thing. That spur of the moment homicide thing don’t work all that well, you know, hahaha. One of the biggest mistakes I made was not thinking it through, not planning it better. I mean, you know, not that I did it. But the biggest mistake that the killer made … he should have planned it better.

JML: What kind of alibi?
OJ: Oh, I dunno. Get one of my foxy white women to say I was with them all night. They’s plenty of white women can’t keep they hands off me. Do anything I tell them to. Or else … hahahah. Get it … or else. Hahahaha.

JML: Yeah, that’s funny.
OJ: Anyway, I think I would have waited for Goldman to leave. That’s a lot harder than you might think, taking down two people who are younger like that. Or at least, I imagine it would be harder. And that Goldman boy was pretty strong. Only reason he caught it was because I just got … or I should say, the killer probably just got jealous. Probably thought it was one of Nicole’s boyfriends.

JML: If the killer was a stranger, why would he care if Nicole had a boyfriend?
OJ: Well … uh … Hah! You got me! Hahahahaha. Okay, maybe if the killer knew her? Maybe was dating her?

JML: Would you have used a knife if it had been you, or some other method?
OJ: Oh, a knife, definitely. I love a knife for killing … or I mean, I would imagine I’d love a knife for killing. Very hands on, you know, hahahaha. Up close and personal, you know what I’m sayin’, hahaha. Yeah, knife’s good. Just gotta be careful you don’t cut your own self, bleed all over everything. Bleed all over your gloves, hahaha.

JML: You’re a weird guy, O.J.
OJ: I’m a black man. You just can’t face that.

JML: I know a lot of black people and they’re none of them like you.
OJ: You trying to start something?

JML: Uh, no … I …
OJ: You sound like you’re trying to start something.

JML: No … no, no. I don’t mean any disrespect.
OJ: Well, I should hope not. You’re not stupid.

JML: Well, I try not to be anyway. Back a few years ago you said you had actually assembled a team to search for the quote-unquote real killer, and even offered a reward leading to an arrest. How’s that going?
OJ: Oh, uh … well, we still looking, hahahaha. We ain’t found nobody yet, but we still looking, you know? Hahaha, yeah.

JML: Okay, I have a list here of some other people. I’ll read off their names and you tell me how you would kill them.
OJ: Oh, like a game? Like free association?

JML: Yeah, like that. Okay … Fred Goldman?
OJ: Old man Goldman? A knife, man, right in the throat. First, though, I’d cut off that dumb moustache. You ever see that thing? What’s he thinking, you know? Hahaha. Be alright maybe if it was the 1800s, know what I’m sayin’, hahahaha. Yeah, I’d do him with my knife. Throw in his big-mouth daughter, too, for free.

JML: Marsha Clark?
OJ: Oh, that would be fun. Knife. Might even still set that up. But you didn’t hear it me from me, wink wink, hahahaha.

JML: Judge Ito?
OJ: Knife.

JML: Rupert Murdoch?
OJ: Knife, mate, hahahaha.

JML: So, you wouldn’t use anything but a knife? No gun, no poison, no bare hands, just a knife?
OJ: Hey, stay with what you know, hahahaha. We just talking about a little harmless killing, not re-inventing the wheel.

JML: Okay. George Bush?
OJ: I like George Bush. I think he’s a decent guy, just got wrapped up in something he couldn’t control. I can relate to that. No, I like ol’ George Bush and would hate to see any harm come to him, but yeah, a knife. Maybe in the heart, make it quick.

JML: Me?
OJ: A knife, man, easy. Lean right over, rake it across your jugular while you still talking. You be dead five minutes before you even know what I did.

JML: O.J., that’s … it was my understanding you would not be armed …
OJ: For all you know, I’ve already done it, only you hadn’t realized it yet, hahahaha.

JML: O.J., you know … I just remembered … I think I left the water running in the car. Uh, I mean, I think I left the motor running on the iron. No, I have a doctor’s appointment. Yeah, I have a doctor’s appointment and it’s really hard to get in to see this guy so I’m going to have to wrap this up now, okay?
OJ: Awww, that’s too bad. I was just getting warmed up.

JML: Yeah, no, that’s … I’ sorry, I just forgot I had this thing, you know …
OJ: Yeah, yeah, that’s alright, I know you busy. I appreciate you having me here and everybody read my book, O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened … even if I ain’t getting no money for it now, still read it cause it feeds my ego.

JML: And we wish you a lot of success with that, too.
OJ: Hey, maybe you can play Goldman in the movie version.

JML: Ron Goldman? I’m a little too old for …
OJ: Naw, man … Fred ~ you can play ol’ Fred Goldman. Cause I’m liking that moustache you got there.

JML: That’s nice, thank you, but I’m thinking of shaving it.
OJ: Don’t shave it too quick, boy, cause this baby’s going global. O.J. ain’t done with his story yet, hahahaha, you know what I mean?

JML: No..
OJ: A’ight then …

JML: Okay. But I really do have to run now. Literally. Bye.
OJ: Bye … (man, he run fast for a fat boy …)

I think the Bradley County Commission finally jumped the shark this past week when they got into the ticket fixing biz. Does ticket fixing quality as racketeering? What other laws do the commish want to break? Scratch that … what other laws are the commish breaking? And what is it about becoming a county commissioner that makes them suddenly think they outrank God? Guys, you’re freakin’ county commissioners! You’re not kings! You’re not queens! Well, some of you may be queens, I don’t know. That’s not my business … what you do in the privacy of your own realm is none of my business. Now you’ve made me forget what I was talking about.

Speaking of environmental violations … it might be time for environmental officer Mike Hughes to get over to the Justice Center and take a look at Jennifer Johnson’s office. I don’t know, but she just might be in violation. She could probably at least be cited for contributing to an eyesore. And that’s just her desk. Aww, don’t worry, Jenn ~ we’ll get Howard Thompson or Mel Griffith or Lisa Stanbery or one of those other bonehead commissioners to take care of it. Evidently, they’ve got the county attorney in their pocket.

Speaking of over-the-top politicians … the mind police are alive and well, yea and mightily active, in the Big Apple. As you know (then again, maybe you don’t), the New York city council has already banned the N-word from their fair town. No, not “nylon” … the other N-word … the one that black people don’t like (unless it’s a black person using it … it’s complicated to explain). Anyway, now the New York boneheads have turned their puritanical eye to another offensive word: “bitch” (or, as they like to call it, the B-word) and “ho” (the H-word). Next up: watch the New York city council tackle the words “hyperbole,” “due diligence,” and “commonsense.

And meanwhile, Santa greeted the children with a merry “Ho ho ho,” and was soundly trounced, fined and banned from the city.

Admitted technophobe Elton John says he’d like to see the Internet shut down, at least for a five-year trial period. He says there’s just too much technology available these days. Hey, Elton ~ I hate to tell you, girlfriend, but without technology, you’d be bald.

Quote of the Week: “I think it would be a profound mistake for us to use nuclear weapons in any circumstance. (Pause) Involving civilians. (Pause) Let me scratch that. There’s been no discussion of nuclear weapons. That’s not on the table.” ~ Democrat presidential candidate Barrack Hussein Obama saying … uh, what was he saying?

In an attempt to quell criticism over the quality of their exports, China is now insisting that “over 99 percent of (their) exports are safe.” And by “safe,” they mean “unsafe and possibly fatal.”

Actually, since I wrote the above quip, I have learned that even more Chinese junk is being recalled because of safety concerns … 255,000 Chinese-made tires are being recalled because of defects that cause tread separation. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, another fine product from the good folks who brought you Chairman Mao, Tiananmen Square and gunpowder.

Okay, for those of you without a scorecard, we’ll count them up … there’s the deadly toothpaste, the deadly pet food, the deadly toy train (what, you don’t remember “Thomas the Train” coated with lead-based paint?), the deadly seafood and now the deadly tires. And oh yeah … I forgot ~ the super deadly AK-47s. Go, China.

No seriously … go, China … go away.

Lastly, intelligence reports obtained from the “doctors” terror plot in Britain last month has turned up information that an al Qaeda terror cell is loose on American soil. Oh? Just one? With our back door open as wide as it is, I doubt seriously there’s just one out there. And don’t you love the smell of dirty bombs in the morning? No? Well, you should ’cause that’s what you’re going to be smelling.

Let’s start off with a belly laugh. And this is a true story. Funny, but true. Last week, my friend Bob was doing a simple video data compression and navigating to a specific frame in the timeline view, then he set the In and Out points in the monitor and pretrimmed the clips using the source view, you know and all that. But when he mapped a textured fill and applied the blue screen opacity key to the transition, he got this error message asking him if he wanted to edit with Insert or Overlay. Is that hilarious or what? True story, I swear to goodness. Hey, Bob, what are you gonna do, man? Insert or Overlay? Pick a hand, dude. Make a decision. Oh, man, that is funny stuff.

Okay, okay, class, settle down. We still have a lot of column to get through today …

By the way … have you ever had the feeling that something has happened to you before? Well, unless you were born just this minute, something has.

Here’s something I came across from a few years back. Some guy named Charles Pierce was gushing about how wonderful Sen. Ted Kennedy is in the Boston Globe Magazine, and he actually said, “If she had lived, Mary Jo Kopechne would be 62 years old. Through his tireless work as a legislator, Edward Kennedy would have brought comfort to her in her old age.” No, I kid you not. Said Ted would have brought Mary Jo Kopechne comfort in her old age if she’d lived. You know, Charles … call me radical, but I think Mary Jo Kopechne would probably have been satisfied if Ted had just allowed her to reach old age. You know? She probably could have found her own comfort.

Speaking of old age, doctors are now saying one advantage of being elderly is you get fewer colds. Of course, weighed against the disadvantages of osteoporosis, Alzheimer’s, bladder control and death, a cold doesn’t seem so bad.

You know, gasoline prices are so high these days that getaway drivers have started car pooling. I say, getaway drivers have started car pooling. Hello? tap! tap! Is this on? Can you hear me in the back?

According to a recent UCLA study, bullies are usually popular, have high self-esteem and other kids think they’re cool. That sort of blows my theory out of the water that bullies are really insecure, unpopular cowards. Over the years I’ve encouraged you timid youngster types to stand up to bullies. I told you that if you stood your ground and faced them bravely, they would back down. Well, according to this latest study, that’s evidently not the case. If any of you guys were fed your shorts because you listened to me … well, sorry, little dudes, my bad. In fact, here’s you some new advice ~ consider becoming a bully yourself.

And by the way, gimme your lunch money before I kick your tail.

Lastly … my experience with speed dating: The evening began at 6:00 p.m. By 6:03 I had met the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. By 6:05 we were married and had started a family. Things moved blissfully on for a full three minutes until at 6:08 we could no longer deny there were serious problems in the relationship and we questioned whether we’d moved too quickly. At 6:10 we entered marriage counseling, but by then our problems were too great, our differences irreconcilable. We filed for divorce at 6:12 and the divorce was final by 6:13. She got the house and the kids, of course, and I was left all alone to wonder how on earth something that seemed so right could have gone so wrong. I vowed to never again allow myself to become involved with another woman, the pain and heartache were just too great. But as it turned out, sometime around 6:15 I had already met someone else and the painful memory of my disappointing 12 minutes of marriage were fading like a bad dream. My new soul mate taught me the real meaning of love. Just when I thought my life was over, I realized it was only just beginning. We lived happily ever after until 6:20 when I retired from the railroad and we moved to Florida. At 6:27 p.m. I died peacefully in my sleep.