Halloween is one of my favorite times of year. It’s right up there with Christmas, Labor Day, July 4th, Ramadan, Thanksgiving, Yom Kippur, Valentine’s Day, Easter, New Years, Boxing Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Secretary’s Day, Daylight Savings Time, February and Thursday …

I know you feel the same. And in order to help make this Halloween the best you’ve ever had, I’m going to offer some Helpful Hints for you to follow. Trust me on this stuff. Actually, in the spirit of things, I guess I should go with a more Halloweenish title than Helpful Hints. How about Ghoulish Hints? Naw … that’s too passé. Heinous Hints? Naw … Terrifying Tips? Huh-uh. Fiendishly Wicked and Evil Things To Remember At Halloween? Hmmm … little over the top. And long. And stupid. Hmmm … Riga Mortis Rules? Close. Rule of Thumb … uh … Cut Off Thumbs. Ooh ~ I kinda like that. Cut Off Thumbs. Kinda like when Spike Lee calls his films “joints,” I’ll call these Halloween tips “Cut Off Thumbs” … it’s like Rule Of Thumb, but different. Okay, so here are some Cut Off Thumbs which will hopefully help make this Halloween the best you’ve ever had.

When trick-or-treating, never accept a body part in lieu of candy, no matter how badly your mother needs a kidney.

When carving your Jack O’Lantern, always remember ~ pumpkin, yes … cat, no.

If you go trick-or-treating dressed as Hillary Clinton, be advised ~ you may reasonably expect folks to scream, barricade their house and possibly shoot at you.

If you get a bunch of that lead-based candy from China that tastes like nickels … hey ~ it’s still candy.

If you see a trick-or-treater wearing institutional coveralls and a hockey mask and welding a bloody knife with an12-inch blade, that’s the maniac Michael Myers and you’re probably already dead.

If you see a black guy wearing one glove and welding a bloody knife with an12-inch blade, that’s the maniac O. J. Simpson and you’re probably already dead.

Four little words, Mrs. Alverson: Broccoli is not candy.

If the trick-or-treater next to you has moldy, decaying skin, smells like dirt and has maggots in their hair, they could well be a zombie. They could also have just come from Exclusive Tan and Spa.

Note to Goths: you will save money by simply wearing your everyday clothes and makeup.

If you can, find a couple of actual dead people to go with you from house to house. They are fun and creepy and hardly eat any candy at all.

An Atlanta Braves cap and a beer doesn’t really constitute a trick-or-treat costume. I think where you really want to be is on your couch with the TV on.

Contrary to what some people claim, the expression, “trick-or- treat” did not originate in an Arkansas cathouse.

If you give trick-or-treaters toothbrushes instead of candy, you will spend all eternity in the Seven Floors of Hell and I promise you, you won’t like it.

A note to psychopaths: An electric Lady Remington doesn’t quite get it if you’re trying the ol’ “razor in an apple” trick.
On the other hand, a plain old Remington isn’t bad if you just want to shoot a bunch of trick-or-treaters.

If the Great Pumpkin rises up out of a pumpkin patch, tells you you’ve been a good little boy or girl and offers you a treat? Put some gone between you and that guy because more than likely it’s really just some pervert in a pumpkin suit.

If you are trick-or-treating and come across a group of people singing carols, you’re, like, two months too late for Halloween, you idiot.

Or 10 months too early, you idiot.

Lastly, if anyone slips any illicit drugs or marijuana cigarettes into your trick-or-treat bag, do not ~ I repeat, do not ~ ingest them. Drugs are bad for you. I want you to just drop them in a big hat I’m gonna pass around and I will send them on to our missionaries in Georgia.

Seasonal weirdness. We’re just getting ourselves more and more confused with each passing year, aren’t we? Chattanooga’s big “Christmas by the River” celebration has been changed to the more palatable “Grand Illumination” celebration … sans the traditional live Nativity scene, of course. The politically correctoids don’t want no baby Jesus spoiling their Christmas fun. Uh … I mean, their Grand Illumination fun. So what if Jesus was tortured and killed so we could have everlasting life? That was 2,000 years ago, man … what’s He done lately?

Twenty-four year-old Reinaldo Waveqche finally married his soul mate last month. Sadly, the marriage didn’t last ~ his wealthy little Argentine bride, Adelfa Volpes, passed away this week in a Santa Fe sanatorium, fragile beauty that she was, taken in the prime of life … she was only 82. Reinaldo is coping as best he can, but his heartache is evident. When I asked him how he was holding up under the strain, he replied, “Are you the insurance guy? When do I get my money?”

Once upon a time, Bill Clinton’s National Security Adviser, Sandy Berger, slipped into the National Archives and stole a bunch of highly classified documents. The documents (we’ll never know exactly what they contained, as they were originals with no backup copies) dealt with Clinton’s failure to combat terrorism and Bad Bill didn’t want anyone seeing them in the wake of September 11. Like a good little toady, Sandy stuffed the documents into his pants and socks, slipped away into the night, destroyed them and then, when he was caught, lied about it … just like big boss Bill would have done. Of course, Slick Willie came to his defense, saying Sandy was just “absent minded” … and you know how absent minded people tend to squirrel highly classified documents away in their underwear. The moral of the story? When it comes to the Clintons, no bad deed goes unrewarded ~ Sandy is now an adviser to Hillary. Because, you see, Hill never knows when she might need some document stealin’ and destroyin’ done.

Speaking of Hillary, she has stated that if she becomes president (shudder, cringe, wetting pants), she would consider giving up some of the executive powers that Bush and Cheney assumed during their tenure. Of course, the operative words there are “would consider.” In Hillary-speak, “would consider” is translated to mean, “Ain’t no way in the world I will ever relinquish ‘ere iota of power to nobody, no how, no where, no time, ain’t gonna happen.”

The Democrat Congress already had an impressive 12 percent lead over Bush in their race to achieve a 100 percent disapproval rating (76 percent of the population hate Bush; 89 percent hate Congress). Now, in another major coup guaranteed to make them even more unpopular, Congress has reinstated the death tax that Bush had abolished. Congress figures since you can’t take it with you, you may as well give it to them. Pick up the pace, Mr. President ~ Congress is leaving you in the dust.

Most Shameful Quote of the Week: “You don’t have money to fund the war or children. But you’re going to spend it to blow up innocent people if we can get enough kids to grow old enough for you to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the president’s amusement.” ~ Rep. Pete Stark, D-Calif

And the follow-up “Uh, On Second Thought” Quote of the Week: “I hope that with this apology I will become as insignificant as I should be.” ~ Rep. Pete Stark, D-Calif, a couple days later

Speaking of kids growing old, that reminds me of one of my all-time favorite Ronald Reagan quips: “I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.”

Speaking of quips, George Bush said last week that if we want to avoid “World War III,” we have to prevent Iraq from developing nuclear weapons. Of course, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Bush’s quip was nonsense, that Iran is a peaceful country and all they want the Bomb for is to blast Israel into radioactive slag. After that, Iran will be as easy to get along with as anything. You’ll see.

Of course, not to contradict President Bush, but we’re already in World War III ~ it’s called the War on Terror … what Bush was alluding to would be World War IV.

Merry Grand Illumination, everyone.

According to the latest Reuters/Zogby poll, President Bush is in a close race with the Democrat Congress to see who can be the first to reach a 100 percent disapproval rating. The current numbers are ~ 76 percent disapprove of Bush and 89 percent disapprove of Congress. Come on, Mr. President, you’re not generating enough hatred. Don’t you care? You don’t want those butt pimples in Congress to show you up, do you? Try getting us into another war .. preferably with Iran. That should push you over the top.

Last week I posed the question, “Where is it written that healthcare is an inalienable right? Who made that rule? Healthcare isn’t a right.” Now here comes AlGore popping off on a homemade video posted at Michael Moore’s website, that healthcare in America “ought to be a matter of right,” and adding that he “strongly supports universal, single?payer, government?provided or government?funded healthcare.” I’m gonna tell you right now, AlGore ~ you don’t want to get in my face, frat boy. I’ll sissy slap you into the middle of next week. Healthcare is not a right. So you and your fat face buddy Michael Moore might wanna back up off me. I guess since you won that Nobel Prize for being stupid, you think being stupid is a right, too. It’s not.

Anyway, what was that all about, that Nobel Prize? Where did that come from? And what does An Inconvenient Truth have to do with peace?

Quote of the Week: “It bothers me that my fellow scientists are not speaking out against something they know is wrong (man-made global warming). But they also know that they’d never get any grants if they spoke out. I don’t care about grants.” ~ Dr. William Gray, a pioneer in the science of seasonal hurricane forecasts and one of the world’s foremost meteorologists

A new plan to reduce global warming by turning feces into biogas will be unveiled at the upcoming seventh annual (there’ve been six of these things already?) World Toilet Summit to be held in New Delhi at the end of this month. I knew there was a connection between global warming and fecal matter … I just didn’t know what it was until now.

In a related story, a woman in West Scranton, Pennsylvania is facing 90 days in the jug for cursing her overflowing commode. Woman’s in her own home, her toilet’s washing dodo into the kitchen, she’s cussing the thing for all she’s worth, an off-duty cop outside her home hears her, calls it in and quicker than you can say “Book ‘em, Dano,” she’s busted. So remember … you’re traveling up north, it’s illegal to curse your poop in Pennsylvania.

A “landmark” study has concluded that obesity is more dangerous to your health than smoking. So I guess now they’ll start passing laws making it illegal to be fat in public buildings. I say, I guess now they’ll start passing laws making it illegal to be fat in public buildings. Hello? (tap! tap!) Is this on? Can you hear me in the back?

I don’t want to appear insensitive, but all those sky divers who died last week in the plane crash? Weren’t they wearing parachutes or something? You know what I’m saying? They were sky divers. I go sky diving, I’m gonna wear a ‘chute. My plane starts going down, I’m bailing.

Microbiologists from Arizona State University shot some salmonella bacteria off into space aboard the U.S. shuttle Atlantis in September of 2006, to see how outer space might affect disease?causing microbes. The microbes returned from space “even more virulent and dangerous.” The conclusion: Evidently, being shot off into space really ticks a microbe off.

And yet another new study has concluded that swearing at work on a regular basis “can help boost team spirit among staff, allowing them to express better their feelings as well as develop social relationships.” But no swearing at your poop. Swearing at your poop is still verboten, even in the work place.

Okay, here’s a good one. When she takes over healthcare, Hillary says she wants to give $5,000 to every baby born in the U.S. And I guess four bits to all the ones who were aborted. But Hill, seriously, there’s something like four million kids born in this country every year? Who’s going to pay for that? Norman Hsu?

And anyway, where is it written that healthcare is an inalienable right? Who made that rule? Healthcare isn’t a right. How about the government gives us all a car, too? With GPS and Dolby sound. How about the government gives us all a house? HDTV? How about a spaceship for all the men and a boob job for all the women? Serious reality check, my peeps: Not everyone can afford healthcare. Not everyone can be smart and beautiful, either. It’s called “life.” Hillary, dude, I gotta tell you … you’re even starting to look a little like Mao. Reel it in, girlfriend, you’re scaring people.

What is $5,000 times four million anyway? Twenty billion? Twenty billion a year? That’s about what John Edwards pays a year to heat his hot tub.

(My apologies to “Yo Mama,” poster at Hometowncleveland.com, but … Mama, I loved your admonition, “Don’t be a Smacktard,” so much that I’m now stealing it and incorporating it into a brand new feature here at “Out Of My Mind” entitled “Granny’s Advice To Smacktards.”)

Granny’s Advice To Smacktards: International soccer player Ashkan Dejagah ~ an “Iranian-born German” ~ has said he will not travel with his team to Israel for Germany’s European Championship match out of “respect for his parents,” who are old-school Jew-haters. Granny says: Was für, Ashcan … er, I mean Ashkan … wait ~ Ashcan, Ashkan. Anyway, was für, Ashcan … you wanna stay home, so stay home already. Do Israel a favor. There’re enough smacktards running around the Holy City as it is.

And, speaking of smarktards, the Muslims up in Illinois who pressured the school system to do away with Christmas and celebrate Ramadan instead … why don’t they go ahead and do away with Thanksgiving, too, and replace it with Al-Quds Day? What? What is Al-Quds Day? That’s when the Islams get out in the street, shake their fists in the air and scream “Death to Israel!” or “Death to the United States!” or some variation thereof. It’s great fun for the whole family. Yeah, I’m looking forward to the day Muslims become a political majority in this country (getting there, getting there). You think all those illegals pouring across the southern border are a problem? Friends, you ain’t seen problems yet. Allahu Akbar! Death to us!

Here’s something else to blame on global warming ~ now there’s a brain-eating microbe that thrives in warm lake water. As lake temperatures get warmer, Naegleria Fowleri (that’s the germ’s name) gets stronger … and hungrier … for brains! Little zombie amoeba creeping around, “Me – want – brainnnnssssss!” I kid you not. This bad boy has already killed at least 23 people in the United States alone since ‘95. No punch line here … just more End Times stuff.

Quote of the Week: “This is a heat-loving amoeba. As water temperatures go up, it does better. In future decades, as temperatures rise, we’d expect to see more cases (of brain eating amoeba zombies!).” ~ Michael Beach, CDC specialist in recreational waterborne illnesses

You know, in the ancient language of the dead, “naegleria fowleri” means, “ Me want to eat your brainnnnssssss!”

And, uh, since you’re all here … I took a second job with the Uncle Sam’s Collection Agency and I have your bill here for your share of the national debt, which is right at $9.815 trillion. And just between you and me, the longer you let this balance go, the more it’s going to cost you on the other end, okay? The interest alone is eating you alive. Anyway, $9.815 trillion divided by the population of America … say, 300 million, give or take … divide by … times … carry the three …and your total comes to … okay, looks like each one of you ~ man, woman and child ~ owes $30,000. Will you be paying with cash, check or debit card?

Is this the last straw? A Muslim parent at Columbus Manor Elementary School up in Oak Lawn, Illinois expressed “concern” about “American holidays,” so the Ridgeland School District 122 decided to ditch Halloween and Christmas and go with a generic “fall festival” and “winter festival, respectively. No word yet how they’re handling Thanksgiving … maybe turkey festival? The decision affects four elementary schools in Oak Lawn and one junior high school in Bridgeview. But what do you expect ~ the district is 30 percent Muslim. Oh, wait a minute … what are they doing about Ramadan? Big surprise … Ramadan is strictly hands off. Now my question is ~ how do you think the Islamos are gonna be when they become the majority in this country? Anybody ever hear of the Taliban? Better tighten up out there, folks, that’s all I gotta say.

Insipidness Personified: Paris Hilton has announced that she’s going to Rwanda in November because “there’s so much need in that area.” What, Paris? Because Africa is such an easy cause? Because Madonna and Angelina garnered so much attention over there? Are you gonna adopt a black kid, too? You want to bring attention to human rights atrocities, go to Rangoon where the Burmese military has been slaughtering pacifist monks and innocent civilians with impunity because they’re protesting an authoritarian dictatorship so oppressive and murderous it makes the Communist honchos in Chinese look like the founding fathers. Do you even know where Burma is, Paris? Can you find it on a map? For that matter can you find Africa on a map? Why am I even talking to you?

A bunch of “Christian conservatives” are so anti-Rudolph Giuliani because of his “pro-choice” views that they’re thinking of running a third party candidate if he gets the Republican nomination. They didn’t say who the third party candidate would be, but if they do stick someone else in the race it will accomplish two things: (1). It will divide the vote (hello, Ross Perot) and virtually assure the Dems a win, and (2). Guarantee that someone with “pro-choice” views will become president anyway. My question to these Christian conservatives … Could you be any more stupid?

Further proof that we are in the End Times: Hillary Clinton’s biographer, Paul Kengor, has described her as “the most religious Democrat since Jimmy Carter.”

Former South Dakota Sen. George McGovern (I thought he was dead) is endorsing Hillary for president. You remember McGovern, don’t you? I think he carried one state back in the ‘72 presidential race against Nixon (and that was after the press broke the Watergate debacle). Of course, McGovern also endorsed that nut bag Gen. Wesley Clark back in ‘04, so …

… But here’s you an interesting bit of trivia ~ Hillary “and her boyfriend Bill Clinton” worked for the McGovern campaign in Texas back in ‘72. McGovern lost the election anyway. Not even the formidable duo of Bill and Hill could make that stinker palatable. Of course that was back before Team Billary had matured into the full-blown Attack Machine that it is today, so …

My worst nightmare: President Bush, President Clinton, President Bush, President Clinton. Are we in a rut or what?

The Times Free Press recently reported that Norfolk Southern was bulldozing a little homeless community off east 11th Street in Chattanooga known as “Tent City.” When faced with the news that his cardboard lean-to was about to be razed, one homeless guy lamented, “For the first time in my life, I have no plan.” Now, what struck me about that guy’s comment was ~ did he mean, up until that point, he did have a plan? That, until Norfolk Southern moved in with their bulldozers, everything had been going according to plan? It was his plan to live in a cardboard box? And now that they were coming in to destroy it, he was, finally, all out of ideas? Homeless guy, this is just me, but how about getting another cardboard box in another empty lot? It’s not perfect, granted, but it’s at least as good a plan as your last one.

Merry winter festival and Allahu Akbar … you Islamo schmucks …