The bad news: Gas prices are flirting with $3 a gallon, no end in sight.

The good news: Shell Oil made $27.5 billion this year (that’s $75 million a day).

We should cut them some slack, though. I know 75 million bucks a day sounds like a lot of money, but with taxes and overhead, inflation, the dollar, you can figure it’s, what? A Honda? Maybe a trip to the islands for a few days? It ain’t all that much.

Scientists at La Sapienza University in Italy demanded that Pope Benedict XVI not be allowed to speak there because he is “anti science.” Say, you science guys aren’t still miffed at that whole Galileo/heretic thing, are you? Come on, fellas, that was 400 years ago … what are you, Muslim, with the grudges? Time to let it go.

Actually, the irony is, Pope Boniface VIII founded La Sapienza University, 300 years before Galileo was born. Discuss amongst yourselves. Quietly … quietly …

By the way, I’m going to do my best not to mention the Clintons this week.

Chinese archaeologists have announced the discovery of a human skull that could be as much as 100,000 years old. Evidently, the skull was found inside the head of county commissioner Mel Griffith. Mel swatted the archaeologists away and told them to leave him be, dag nab’t, they can have his skull after he’s dead. To which the archaeologists replied (all together now): “But we thought you were.”

This is the height of irony … according to FBI agent George Piro, who was assigned to interrogate Saddam Hussein after he was dragged out of his spider hole and locked up in a jail cell, the late Iraqi dictator told him he never had any WMDs but he wanted the world think he did so the U.S. wouldn’t invade his country. Yeah, Saddam, if you can hear me from down there … that plan worked real well, buddy. Good one.

Over in London, Scientists at King’s College and the University of Newcastle have been given the go-ahead to start cooking up batches of animal/human DNA soup. The recipe calls for 99 parts human DNA injected into empty cow eggs and simmered over a low heat until presto! you got a batch of tasty little embryos known as cytoplasmic hybrids. Umm, yummy. The perfect hors d’oeuvre for those little End Time parties that will soon be all the rage.

Must not mention Clintons … must not mention Clintons … must not mention Clintons …

Funniest thing ~ ol’ Hillary and her surrogate begged and pleaded with Ted Kennedy not to endorse Obama, but he did it anyway, which further proves that … uh … no, no … must not mention Clintons … must not mention Clintons …

Speaking of the Clintons, Toni Morrison, who first made that famous quip about Bill Clinton being the nation’s first black president,” has come out in support of Obama. But what still puzzles me is, CLINTON AIN’T BLACK, PEOPLE! For the love of God, Bill Clinton ain’t black! Get a freakin’ grip, for your own sake. The man is white. Hillary is white. THEY’RE ALL WHITE!! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, Bill Clinton the first black president. And Morrison is a Nobel Prize winner. Then again, so is AlGore, so there you go.

And I quote: “That’s not true. He did the same thing to us that he did to Monica Lewinsky.” ~ black pastor Jeremiah Wright, responding to the idea that blacks should vote for Hillary because Bill was so good to the black community

Okay, must not mention Clintons anymore … must not mention Clintons anymore …

The latest census says we have almost 3 million more people in the U.S. now than we did last year. Total U.S. population is 303.1 million people. I believe that, too, because they’re all on the road when I want to go somewhere.

Anagram of the Week: “Britney Spears” = “Presbyterian.”

Anagram of the Week: “Dr. Phil = “(Ex)pl(o)i(t) (B)ri(tney).”

What? Well, yeah, I had to tweak that second anagram a bit to make it work, but not by much. I just dropped the “d” and the “h,” out of Dr. Phil’s name, added another “i” and sprinkled in some other letters to get it the way I wanted. But hey ~ it’s all celeb nonsense anyway … who cares about rules of order?

And I Quote: “Oh, of course.” ~ Hillary Rodam Clinton, when asked if she can control hubby Bill

Actually, it’s not that difficult to control slick Willy … just give him a cigar and a brunette and he’ll occupy himself for hours.

Awww, who’m I kidding? A column during election season without a mention of the Clintons is like a baby without the stinky yellow poop and the diaper rash.

I hate my column this week. I don’t even want you to read it. However, if you are going to read it, read it … don’t scan it. But I don’t like it. It turned out to be just another anti-Billary rant. I apologize in advance, but it’s not my fault. If we could have a presidential election that didn’t involve a Clinton or a Bush, this wouldn’t happen. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating … if Hillary wins the election, and let’s say she wins two terms, that would mean we will have had a Bush or a Clinton in the White House for 28 years. And if you factor in the eight years that Bush Sr. was vice president under Ronald Reagan, that would push that Bush/Clinton White House presence up to 36 years. People, that’s almost 40 freakin’ years where a Bush or a Clinton has roamed the hallowed halls of Pennsylvania Avenue. Did I hear somebody say let’s vote for change? Put me down for that, ‘cause the Bush/Clinton show is getting old.

And I Quote: “Shame on you!” ~ Baleful Bill Clinton, chastising CNN reporter Jessica Yellin for quoting a former Democrat Party chair from South Carolina who said the Clintons engage in the “politics of deception” … jabbing that finger in the camera’s face, feigning indignation. Yeah, Bill, we’ve seen that act before, back when you didn’t have sex with that woman Miss Lewinski.

Actually, Bill’s entire quote went like this: “(The Obama campaign is) feeding you (the media) this because they know this is what you want to cover. This is what you live for. They just spin you up on this and you happily go along. Shame on you!”

Plus, Bill doesn’t like it when media pundits start hitting too close to home. Like when they say Hillary is “not truthful,” that she has “no character,” and she is “poll-driven.” Yeah, cause none of that is true, huh? Shame on you, media pundits, for saying such mean things about so nice a woman. You’re gonna make her cry.

And I Quote: “I kind of like to see Barack and Hillary fight.” ~ Bill Clinton

Yeah, Bill, we know … you like watching girls fight. Business as usual for you, huh? Misdirection, hittin’ below the belt, lyin’, cheatin’, swindlin’ … killin’? Looking forward to having you back, big guy. Maybe you and Monica can even patch things up and you can really relive your glory days.

Speaking of your glory days, Bill … just wanna say thanks for NAFTA. Another piece of your legacy, along with being the oral sex role model for middle schoolers. And don’t even get me started on you selling U.S. missile technology to the Chinese. Poetic justice would be when the Chinese turn that first warhead back on the U.S., it scores a direct hit on your Chappaqua home while your sorry butt is napping on the couch.

Bumper Sticker of the Week: “No more drama ~ Vote Obama.”

But I loved that Dem debate where they asked the candidates to name their biggest weakness. Hillary said her biggest weakness was she gets impatient to bring change to America. John Edwards said his biggest weakness is he has a powerful reaction to the pain of others. Obama said his biggest weakness is his desk is always messy (the only honest answer). My biggest weakness is believing the American people will see through the phony-baloney crap Hillary and John Edwards keep dishing out. My second greatest weakness is believing the American people even care.

The Billary machine saw that Obama’s “Change” slogan was working well for him, so they stole it. Then they saw his “Yes we can” slogan was working well for him, so they stole it, too. Next, look for Hillary to show up in black face after suddenly discovering she is an African American and stealing the slogan, “I have a dream” from Dr. King.

And I Quote: “Si Se Pueda.” ~ Hillary, mispronouncing “Yes we can” in Spanish

Actually, what she meant to say was, “Si se Puede,” with an “e.” That’s okay; Spanish ain’t Hill’s native tongue. But I love the way the politicos are pandering to our Latino brethren and sistren. Even the anti-Hilllary faction does that. Did you see that anti-Hillary radio ad that went (in part), “El Hillary Clinton no respeta a nuestra gente”? It’s bizarre and not a little funny to watch politicians campaigning directly to illegals … in their own language. Take a tip, politicos … illegals can’t vote! Yet.

And, of course, Hill stole “Si se Puede” (with an “e”) from Cesar Chavez.

What? Translate that anti-Hillary ad? Okay … “El Hillary Clinton no respeta a nuestra gente” translates as, “Hillary Clinton does not respect our people.” What a surprise to learn Hilllary doesn’t respect Latinos. You know, being she’s so respectful of every other demographic and all? Oh, now my sarcasm has made her cry. I’m sorry, Hillary, I didn’t mean it. Look, we’ll let you be president, okay? Will that make you feel better? Okay. Dry those tears now. Hembra.

That’s pretty good … the ice queen crying her way to the White House. Whatever works, huh?

Ol’ Chris Matthews, who hosts “Hardball” on MSNBC, was pressured to apologize after he said, “the reason (Hillary is) a U.S. senator, the reason she’s a candidate for president, the reason she may be a front-runner is her husband messed around.” The truth is, Hillary is a U.S. senator from New York because her opponent in that race, Rudy Giuliani, developed serious health problems and had to drop out. Otherwise, she would not have won. However, the reason she’s a formidable presidential candidate is strictly because she’s married to Bill. I don’t think there’s any question about that.

You know, I pray for a day without the Clintons. Even if it meant I wouldn’t have nothing to write about, I would still like to greet a day without the Clintons. They say be careful what you pray for ‘cause you might just get it? I pray for a day without the Clintons. Please Lord, give us a day without the Clintons. For the love of God, give us a day without the Clintons.

But until that day comes, boys and girls, here is your homework assignment ~ go home and Google “the Clinton Chronicles.” There will be a pop quiz.

And I can’t resist tagging the column this week with a “Top Ten” list I found on the ABC News website (posted by “BB” on 1/22/08 at 10:49:58 p.m.), entitled “Top 10 Hillary Quotes”:

10. “I will fight against the division politics of revenge and retribution. If you put me to work for you, I will work to lift people up, not put them down.”

9. “I am particularly horrified by the use of propaganda and the manipulation of the truth and the revision of history.”

8. “We need to be as well prepared to defend ourselves against public health dangers as we should be to defend ourselves against any foreign danger.”

7. “I’m not some Tammy Wynette standing by my man.”

6. “It takes a village to raise a child.”

5. “We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.”

4. “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president!” (My personal favorite and a classic Freudian slip)

3. “Right-wing conspiracy!”

2. “No woman is illegal!”

1. “Yes we can!”

Everybody enjoy the snow? Fun, wasn’t it? I made a little snowman on the deck, put a little, miniature sombrero on him that me and Mrs. Leonard brought back from Mexico last year, and I named him “Señor Snowman, the tiniest hombre east of the Pecos.” During the night, though, the rain turned him into Señor Slush. Rest in peace, little guy … you were only with us a short while, but you sure made a splash.

Few days ago, a bunch of folks in Stephenville, Texas got a little nervous when they saw a UFO fly over their town and zoom off into space. Authorities said there was no cause for alarm, though … it was just Dennis Kucinich flying to Alpha Centauri for the long weekend. I say, flying to Alpha Centauri for the long weekend. Hello? ~ tap! tap! ~ Is this thing on? Can you hear me in the back? Okay, so that punch line was nothing for ET to phone home about. Sue me.

My theory about the assassination of Benazir Bhutto is that she wasn’t killed because she wanted to bring democracy to Pakistan, she was killed because all those screaming, hollering, gun-shooting, misogynistic, macho Islamic wack jobs can’t tolerate the idea of a lowly, inferior female woman person being the boss of them. Wait’ll they get a load of President Hillary.

Yikes! I scared myself.

I’ve decided to update the “Quote of the Week.” In the old days, the Quote of the Week was just that ~ one single quote each week. But more and more, I’d gotten away from doing one quote and was doing three, six, maybe even eight or more. I can’t help myself … they’re just so salient and succinct, makes my mouth water. So many quotes. So little time. Anyway, that’s why from now on “Quote of the Week” will be known as “And I Quote.”

And I Quote: “(Hillary) is a brittle, relentless manipulator with few stable core values who shuffles through useful personalities like a card shark. ‘Cue the tears!’” ~ columnist Camille Paglia, waxing lyrical

Bill: “Hillary, that was beautiful. You had me convinced and I never seen you even get close to crying before. Well played.”

Hillary: “It was easy. I just rubbed some onion juice in my eyes.”

Bill: “Well, put that one in the play book, cause it’s gonna take us right back to the White House. Man, I cain’t wait. I miss them little gingerbread houses Roland used to make me. Boy could sure bake up some gingerbread houses.”

… wait a minute, hold it, hold it … am I off on another anti-Clinton tirade? How does that happen? I don’t start out to do that. I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop right now.

I recently read where French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s ex-wife, Cécilia Sarkozy, said he was “a philanderer,” “stingy,” and “unworthy of being president.” I had to re-read the piece a couple more times before I realized it was Cécilia talking and not Hillary.

… okay, wait a minute … I’m going to make a conscious effort to stop right now.

Hey, what about Judge Jackie Glass out in Vegas giving O.J. the devil for breaking parole and ending up back in jail? Gave – him – up – the – river, dawg. I kid you not. Told him he was treating the court’s largesse with contempt. Said he was either “arrogant or ignorant, or both.” Said if he slips up one more time, he’ll be under the jail. My sphincter was clutching and I’m a disinterested bystander 3,000 miles away, you got to know O.J. wasn’t liking it. Judge Jackie Glass kick’ O.J.s ass. No, we can be certain O.J. was not liking that, so come with us now, won’t you, as we listen to the mind of O.J. Simpson and hear what he was thinking while her honor was chewing the seat out of his britches …

“… Better be glad you ain’t near Brentwood, (blip!), when I throwed down on that narrow-(blip!) ice queen Miss Thang and her white boy toy. She be thinkin’ she could talk to me like that, too, Miss Judge Jackie Better Watch Out You Don’t End Up With A Knife Comin’ Out Your Throat Glass, cause I’ll show you arrogant and ignorant, you bossy (blip!), and maybe even show you a little homicidal, too, just for good measure, cause I’m O.J. and the glove don’t fit, you skinny (blip!), Nicole-sounding (blip!). Make you and old man Goldman a two’fer, you wanna come at me with your (blip!). Won’t bother me none, (blip!), cause I been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You feel me? Huh-uh, I don’t think you be wantin’ none of this …”

… yada, yada, yada and as far as we know, he is still talking to himself about it even as we speak, so we’ll move on.

And who does O.J. think he is, anyway, throwing off on the court’s largesse? That’s going too far.

Yeah, and did you like those edited swear words I used there? You probably ain’t even noticed, but I don’t use swear words in my column anymore. I haven’t used a swear word in forever. I think I got under conviction about it several years ago and just quit doing it. Closest I even remember coming to a swear word was last week when I said “scrotum.” And, of course, just now when I said, “Judge Jackie Glass kick’ O.J.’s ass.” Technically, scrotum’s not swearing, but I was using it in the context of stapling one’s scrotum to an escalator, so I guess that’s a blue area. But the rhyme about Jackie Glass and O.J.’s ass? I probably get a pass on that. I can see the little old ladies at the church saying that. Or at least, Mike Hall. Anyway, I don’t swear in my column anymore and you shouldn’t either.

Of course, I said in my column. Real life is a whooooole ‘nother story, mo’fo, so speed up or get out of the fast lane.

NOTE: I didn’t plan on this column being an anti-Hillary tirade, it just sort of worked out that way. So if you are a Clintonista ~ you know, one of those “some people” who can be fooled “all of the time”? ~ save yourself some aggravation and stop reading now. Or, keep reading. I don’t care. Because if you really want the Clintons back in the White House, you deserve to suffer.)

After getting creamed in Iowa, Hillary came back to win New Hampshire. Which, one must reason, means that Iowans are smarter than … what are they? New Hampshireites? New Hampshironians? New Hampshirelings? New Hampsters? Whatever they are, they’re smarter. But the most bizarre, and some might say wonderful, phenomenon to come out of her Iowa defeat was, some in Hillary’s campaign actually suggested she should just chuck the whole thing in and go home. Bad news for Bill, maybe, her being around the house all the time, but good news for the rest of us, not having to see her shrewish mug and her smarmy putz of a husband in the news every day. But they (the Clintons ~ you don’t get one without the other) hung in and now … well, now the game is back on.

But no, you know what? Four years of Bush, eight years of Clinton, eight years of another Bush … then at least four more years (or, God forbid, eight) of another Clinton? Enough already. We’ve had 20 freakin’ years of Clinton/Bush, with very little forward momentum. We want to make it 24? Or (God forbid) 28?! My Lord, that’s almost 30 years of Bush and Clinton. No thank you, please. I’d rather staple my scrotum to an escalator (ooh ~ that hurt just to say).

But I can honestly tell you, I never saw it coming. Never could have predicted that anyone in Hillary’s camp would suggest she should quit just because she got her butt kicked in Iowa. I personally believe the only thing that can stop Hillary is a cross, a sack of garlic and a stake through the heart. I’ll believe she’s gone when she’s gone. And even then I will be nervous every time there’s a full moon.

Quote of the Week: “(Hillary’s) divisive and dangerous, Obama better not go for walks in parks, fly in questionable weather, drive a car he’s not familiar with, and (he should) read the labels on his pill bottles twice.” ~ Posted on ABC News website by “Laughing,” Jan 4, 2008 11:42:03 AM

Whoa, Laughing … ZING! And good advice, considering all the dead bodies strewn along the Clintons’ pathway.

But here’s you a chicken-and-egg conundrum to ponder: The only reason Hillary is where she is today, is because of Bill … and the only reason Bill ever got to where he is today, is because of Hillary. Yes? It’s like, which came first? The Billary or the ego?

And not to belabor ~ awwww, who’m I kiddin’? Let’s belabor ~ but is it creepy that Bill calls his wife “Hillary” all the time? If my wife was a Hillary, I’d probably call her “Hill.” Just like if she was a “Jessica,” I’d probably call her “Jess,” or if she was a “Jennifer,” I’d probably call her “Jenn.” Those three-syllable, Victorian names just seem a little formal to me in a love relationship. But Bill is always very careful to pronounce her entire name ~ Hill-er-ree. But … (cut to new paragraph)

But … I know why he does it. I know why Bill is always so careful to call her “Hillary.” He’s a’scared not to. See, I figure that back in the day when they were young and first getting together, he probably referred to her as “Hill” in a moment of sentiment or passion, and she came back at him with all the fury of a Hitchcockian psychopath, screaming that her name was “Hillary,” not “Hill,” as if she’s no more than a parcel of elevated ground for him to climb. Not “Hill” or “Ill” or “‘Ary” or “H-Girl” or any other condescending bastardization of a respectable, proper name like the names he gives his cheap-smelling political groupies with the plastic ta-tas and middle school personalities. So if he doesn’t want his “boys” forcibly consigned to a lockbox in the back of the hall closet he will never ~ she repeats ~ never refer to her as “Hill” ever again, does he understand?!

That’s the reason I think he calls her “Hillary” instead of “Hill.”

Anyway. I’d like to think people could realize that Hillary is way past her “sell by” date, and no amount of repackaging is going to move that turkey off the shelf. The Clintons have nothing new to offer. They stole the “change” slogan from Obama. They stole the cell-phone-call-in-the-middle-of-a-stump-speech schtick from Giuliani. They even stole the “weeping” thing from Edmund Muskie (remember Edmund Muskie? Yeah, nobody does). But really, wasn’t that a little over the top, Hillary (supposedly) calling Bill out of the blue in the middle of a speech, and him taking the call, then telling her, “I love you” in front of everybody? Does anyone really believe either of them says to the other, “I love you”? No, seriously … does anyone really believe that? Because if you do, give me a call ~ I have several sets of the original Dead Sea Scrolls that I will sell you at a very reasonable price. Limited time offer, so let me know. (Some idiot Ron Paul supporter will probably actually respond to that. If this wasn’t a Hillary-bashing column, I’d have a lot more to say about Ron Paul. Maybe some other time.)

Actually, I never believed for a minute that Hillary was going to drop out of the campaign just because she lost Iowa. I don’t think she would drop out if she lost the election. Her and Bill don’t quit … they just blame other people, call in their focus groups and hire enforcers to “deal with” their rivals. Look for the Ragin’ Cajun to climb back into the ring with them. Along with maybe a few Arkansas wiseguys. No, Hillary was down, but with a few crocodile tears, a couple of sorrowful sighs and a “poor widdle me” pout, she’ll take this thing to the finish. My nightmare is she’ll take it all the way to the White House. Thirty years of Clinton and Bush. What’s the point of America anymore? Maybe it’s time for us to just call it quits, fold up the tent and give everything back to the Indians and Mexicans.

Okay, I’m all done with Hillary now. How about we turn our attention back to more agreeable pursuits. Like … oh, I don’t know … ruminating on the murder-mutilation fantasies of homosexual psychopaths or something pleasant like that?

The original reports of the Marty Davis murder, the subject of Judge John Hagler’s secret torture/mutilation/sexual fantasy tape, were incorrectly reported as 2 gunshots. We have the autopsy attached here for you, which show a violent murder with at least 6 gunshots including two to the back of the head in an execution style slaying, along with bruising and damage throughout his dwelling.

The time is now, to release the tape. Our community, especially the reverened’s family and friends, will not be able to rest until the truth of it’s contents and Judge John Hagler’s involvement is known.

Click Here for Autopsy

Whatever corruption there is in the County and the City should be exposed. Whether it lies within the judicial system, including judges, the District Attorney’s Office, the lawyers, the staffing or within the Mayors’ Offices, the City and County Officials, the Police Chief, the Sheriff, wherever and with whomever, pollution within these bodies should be uncovered. When you have a case before a judge and use a local attorney you should not be afraid that some back room deal is going on that sacrifices you or your case due to some misdeed or some deal that the attorneys have cooked up. When the judge sits on the bench there should not be something dangling over his head to influence his decision making and fairness.

Should the Bradley County Bar Association be investigated and the attorneys involved? Are they policing themselves properly or covering up without reprimands?

Is it true there is much corruption in Bradley County and that certain people know the dirt and use it at the expense of all of us? Are certain cases and types of situations handled differently due to some personal problem that the judge or D.A. or the attorney may have? These are just questions, and should we or shouldn’t we be sifting through those who hold power and influence and asking for the best and for them to do what is right. Clean house, every once in a while it is good to get rid of the dust bunnies and clear the deck and wipe the slate clean. An attorney or two holding power, a judge or two making bad decisions, all feeling that they are scotched in their jobs because they know something on so and so and they in turn know something on the next so and so and the nasty little web of corruption grows.

Before you choose an attorney in Cleveland and Bradley County, just think about these things. Are they circling the wagons and what else may be going on that needs to be known that may harm you, your family or the community?

For corrupt systems and power players to be knocked down you simply have to chip away and chip away the edges and eventually they may fall.

The above comment, and all “Ear To The Ground” articles are submitted by our readers and in no way reflect the views opinions or flavor preferences of HTC.

Hope everyone had a safe and sober New Year. You keep drinking like you do, sooner or later you’re gonna blow out your liver. Dumbest holiday tradition since Al-Quds Day, drinking yourself into a stupor then spitting up all over your shoes. Real good. Great way to start the year. But, since you bring it up, my New Year’s resolution (yes, I’m only making one) is to use more adjectives in my column. In the old days, adjectives were a great way to crank up the word count. Now they’re just another tool for maintaining verbosity levels.

Here’s you another difference between the U.S. and the Middle East: On New Year’s Day, everybody in the U.S. wants to know the name of the first baby born. In Islamo Land, everybody wants to know the name of the first baby killed by a car bomb

And just for the record? The Kennedy assassination? I was behind that. I leaked the route Kennedy would be taking during his Dallas visit to Oswald and suggested he might have a better shot from the book depository then he would from the grassy knoll.

Feels good to finally get that off my chest.

The upset of the week goes to Barrack Obama, who beat out Edwards and, more importantly, Hillary in the Iowa caucus. To which I say ~ so what? It’s one state. I’m not going to get my hopes up.

Actually, Hillary’s whole schtick is “looking ahead” and “change,” but all her talking points are “same-old, same-old” and “straight out of the past.” Anyway, do we really want the Clintons back in office? Last time they were in the White House, we barely got the furniture back.

On the ‘Publican side, Huckabee came out on top. But, again, who cares? Does anyone seriously believe the American people are going to elect a president named Huckabee? Don’t see it happening. Huckabee, Huckabye … Huckleberry … Huckleberry Hound, Huckleberry Finn, Huckleberry jelly … do the hucklebuck … Huckabee, schmuckabee. “President Huckabee”? I don’t see it.

Crazed leftist and petulant fat boy Michael Moore has come out and said that he is not yet ready to endorse any of the Democrat presidential candidates. At which point the Democrat presidential candidates all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

By the way, does anyone remember when Moore referred to Hillary as “one hot (poop)-kicking feminist babe”? An inarguable sign that the man is not just seriously deranged, but obviously blind as well.

Got a point of trivia for you. This presidential election will be the first one since 1928 where we don’t have either a president or a vice-president in the race. Let’s hope it will also be the first one since1988 where we don’t have a Bush or a Clinton running the show.

Why does the media keep reporting on things that Osama bin Laden has supposedly said? Media dudes, take a tip: Osama is dead. He’s been dead. Guy was whacked in an Afghan cave during one of those bombing blitzes (blitzes? blizti? somebody help me out here) back when we first went in there and cleaned out the Taliban. Somebody sends in an audio tape saying he’s Elvis, is the media going to start acting like he’s alive? Elvis is dead. Osama is dead. Hussein is dead. Uday, Qusay, dead. Ixnay, Moomay, Amscray, dead. Hitler, Mussolini, Judas, dead. Cock Robin, disco, General Francisco Franco, all dead. Can we move on?

Got a great email this week. Read in part, “JM, does anybody else see a resemblance betweem (sic) John Travolta in “Hairspray” and Susan Shelton?” You know what? This guy is on the money. It’s uncanny. Travolta looks exactly like Shelton if Shelton was a bangley brunette instead of a bleached blonde. Seriously, they could be twins. That is some spooky, scary, end times stuff going on there.

Wait a minute … listen … do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of all the Islamos in the world crying out against terrorist violence. What? You don’t hear nothing? Yeah, me neither.

You know what? I’m going to go ahead and break that resolution I made. Remember? About the adjectives? I’m going to break it. I’m not going to start using more adjectives this year. I think I’ll just keep using the same amount. Maybe up the adverbs a little, that’s all. If it ain’t broke, right?

Oh, and Abe Lincoln? That was me, too.