Hope everyone had a nice Easter and hope you all attended the hutch of your choice to worship the bunny rabbit who died upon a widget that you might have hardboiled eggs with brightly colored designs on them.

I’m not saying that people get a little nuts sometimes, but the Philippine government does put out advisories every Easter encouraging worshipers there to get tetanus shots before they start nailing one another to crosses.

I guess it’s like Confucius said, “One man’s religious practice is another man’s confusion and revulsion at the first man’s religious practice.” And if Confucius didn’t say that, he missed out, because that would have been good in a fortune cookie.

But hey ~ fuel’s up, corn’s up, rice is up, tempers are up, anti-Americanism is up, down is up and I’m even up. The stars say keep on rockin’ in the free world.

According to Kinky: “They don’t make Jews like Jesus anymore.” ~ Kinky Friedman

A thief over in Italy enticed cashiers to turn over their tills by hypnotizing them. What a great hook that is. Why hasn’t anybody thought of that before? Ooh, I just had a thought ~ what if they have, then they hypnotized us to forget? Whoo. That’s weird. Anyway, the guy in Italy got caught because you can’t hypnotize a surveillance camera. Funny thing, though, when he went to court? The judge found him innocent, and attractive, then gave him a Maserati and the deed to a small villa in Brindisi.

Yeah. In Brindisi.

A new report in the American Journal of Psychiatry claims that excessive posting on Internet forums is indicative of “mental illness.” Plus, it will grow hair in your palms and may cause blindness.

Another new report released this week has found that older Americans are living longer and have more money than at any other time. As a fledgling older American myself, I admit to still being alive, but where’s the money? I want the money. Somebody show me the money.

Did you know that in the Creole language, “Mississippi” means, “I miss my ippi”?

A 93-year-old guy was busted this week down in Manatee County, Florida for trying to pick up a female undercover cop. Offered her twenty bucks if she’d have sex with him. Guy’s 93. Either there is absolutely no crime in Manatee County, or they’ve just given up on it. I have a suggestion for the judge in that case: Give the old guy community service presenting “educational” seminars for AARP.

Some middle eastern types assaulted a Brooklyn rabbi this week in a subway station. They grabbed his yarmulke off his head and beat him up while chanting “Allahu akhbar!” Ironically, as the Islamo thugs were fleeing the scene, one of them ran into the street got hit by a car. Sad ending … he lived.

And I Quote: “Today the name of Iran means a firm punch in the teeth of the powerful and it puts them in their place.” ~ Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadwhatshisjad, stickin’ it to the Man … again

And now a brief pause while I acknowledge and greet my many illegal readers: Hola amigos. Muchas gracias. Estados Unidos muy bueno. Váyase a casa! Adios!

Bumper Sticker of the Week: “Calling an illegal alien an ‘undocumented immigrant’ is like calling a drug dealer an ‘unlicensed pharmacist.’”

For those just tuning in: Recepción a los Tiempos del Final!

Sean Penn was in San Francisco recently regaling a gay audience with his impromptu political wit when he referred to Sean Hannity as “the butt boy of Rupert Murdoch.” Penn. Dude. That was ninety percent of your audience. What were you thinking?

You may remember Sean Penn from such classics as Hurricane Katrina, when he went down there with a film crew to record him saving the poor savages, but he ended up in a sinking boat (he forgot to cork the drain plug) and was last seen furiously bailing flood water out of the boat with a plastic cup. Little red party cup. Smart guy. Very bright.

And I Quote: “You want to be a lawyer, you can start out by being Seam Penn for while and just work your way down.” ~ an anonymous butt boy from San Francisco, coming off a very bad divorce

Boy. I don’t know how I do that. I start out talking about Sean Penn and end up grossly insulting lawyers. I don’t know how that happens, putting a thought to paper and it just gets away from me. I’ve been told I should delete those hinky paragraphs when they go south … but really, I don’t want to. Why should I? You don’t do nothing for me, why should I do anything for you? Go write your own column.

Hah! No, see, I’m not angry ~ I was acting. Pretty good, huh? I been practicing. I’m a method type actor, kind of a natural. Getting pretty good at it. I’m thinking about going to Hollywood and becoming a professional actor. I’m pretty sure I can talk Sean Penn into putting me in one of his “thought-provoking” films where I can use my experience as a pontificator and well as my gifts as a thespian. Actually, now that I think about it, it might be better if you don’t tell him I was making fun of him. Could queer the deal.

Hah! See? There I go again..

No, seriously, go write your own column.

I’d like start out this week with a brief rebuke to my pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Rev. Wright, as you know, I have been attending your church for 20 years now and have always considered you to be like an uncle to me. Or possibly an eccentric aunt or at least a second cousin. Anyway, in all those years I have never raised a single objection to anything you have ever said. But I am afraid that in one of your recent sermons you went entirely too far with your inflammatory rhetoric. Sir, Cert’s is not a candy mint. It is a breath mint. Any reasonable person who is not a deluded fool would know that without having to be told. Under the circumstances, sir, I am sure you understand why I cannot continue to be one of your flock. Fare thee well, then.

Boy, that was unpleasant. I’m sorry you all had to see it. Let’s just move on …

And I Quote: “To know me is to love me.” ~ Barack Obama

Yeah, Barack, and we always hurt the one we love. It was nice while it lasted, but I think we both need to move on. Aww, don’t cry, big guy … we’ll always have the caucuses.

But then, what do I know? I’m just a typical white person.

Weston Hospital in West Virginia has changed its name to the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. I love that. It’s like you go there and Boris Karloff will answer the door holding a lantern. What a great name in this age of political correctness. When I’m finally committed (you notice I said “when,” not “if”), that’s where I want to go. I want to go to a place with “lunatic” or “insane asylum” in the title. I don’t want nothing called “care facility” or “assisted living” … I want to go to a nut house. When visitors come to see me I want Basil Rathbone to tell then I can’t be disturbed because I’m having shock therapy. And I want the walls of my room to be rough hewn stone, with a big window with bars that looks out on a dead tree or a bleak European landscape. And I want the moon to be full every night and maybe have wolves out there howling and crazy people screaming from down the hall. And, of course, I would have to have high def TV, a laptop with high-speed Internet, some cute 40-something nurses with round fannies to bring my food and bathe me, and, of course, comic books. Plenty of comic books. Then I’ll be set. Just lock the door and leave me be.

Actually, that place in West Virginia is taking a lot of heat for calling itself a lunatic asylum. Critics claim the word “lunatic” should be taboo, like the words “retarded,” “colored” and “Negro.” And that bothers me, too. I love those words. I think, if African-Americans don’t mind, white people should be called “Negroes” from now on. If black people won’t be offended, if they don’t want that word for themselves, I would like to use it. I want to be a colored person. I want to be a retard. I want to be a lunatic. I want to embrace it, my peeps … make it all gooood.

And I Quote: “Enough with the slaughters. Enough with the violence. Enough with the hatred at the Bradley Weekly!” ~ Pope Benedict XVI

What? The Pope said what? Iraq? Enough with the hatred in Iraq? Are you sure? You say he was talking about terrorists, not the Weekly? Oh … well, I always get the two mixed up. My bad. Here ~ let me get that exact quote for you … don’t want to put words in the Pope’s mouth …

And I Quote: “Enough with the slaughters. Enough with the violence. Enough with the hatred in Iraq!” ~ Pope Benedict XVI

Speaking of the Pope, the Vatican’s got some new sins for us to shun. I guess they want to make it as easy as possible for us to go to hell. Used to be just the seven … I’m sure you all know and practice them regularly: sloth, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, wrath and pride. To those seven, you can now add: environmental insensitivity, genetic modification, carrying out experiments on humans, causing social injustice, causing poverty, becoming obscenely wealthy and taking drugs. And, of course, wearing stretch pants after fifty.

… wait, hold on a minute, I’m getting an email. Hmmm … well, this is interesting. This email I just now received is from the Pope. Evidently he was talking about the Weekly.

Those who forget the mistakes of the past are to doomed to … uh … how’s the rest of that go?

Incidently … I gotta say this … referring to Barack as “the Big O”? Huh-uh, don’t do that. That’s heresy. Otis Redding is, was and always will be the Big O … not Barack Obama. Obama’s just a nice Irish kid who would be president.

Get it? Irish kid? Obama? O’Bama? Okay, so I stole that joke from Kinky Friedman, so what? I didn’t see him going out of his way to explain the gag when he said it. He just put it out there and waited for the crowd to catch up. Anyway, I doubt you even know who Kinky Friedman is without you google him. I been a fan since he was just a skinny Jewish cowboy out in Texas singing novelty songs about Jesus and sticking it to The Man.

Boy … why am I so defensive about Kinky Friedman? I’ll have to remember to ask my therapist about that.

Yeah, see … I don’t really go to a therapist. That was just more of that wacky, stream of consciousness humor. Fact is, no credible therapist wants to work that hard. When I need therapy, I just talk to my bartender. Hah! See, I got you again. I don’t have a bartender. I get my hooch from a bootlegger in Polk County. And he don’t discuss feelings.

And I Quote: “In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.” ~ Kinky Friedman

The Kink’s gold, isn’t he? In fact, maybe I should start a new feature here in the column … Kinky Friedman quotes. Call it “According to Kinky.” I like that.

According to Kinky: “Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.” ~ Kinky Friedman

Yeah, that’ll work. Good ol’ Kinky.

This is probably as good a place as any to stop.

by Kenneth Balog

The oddities of this county continue to amaze me. Not long ago I wrote an article about tapes. Seemed to me that the subject kept coming up day after day until we found something else to discuss. I believe it was budget, budget and budget. Then badges, badges and more badges. Now here comes censorship, collaboration and duplicity.

The latest subject deals with censorship because the City Council chose to earmark an article written by June Griffin in The People News.

Resolution No: 2008-23 – Though the City Council recognizes the right of a publication such as The People News and the freedom of press, this should not include rights to print such article as that written by June Griffith titled, “A Feminist Manifesto,” when those articles polarize, slander and defame certain groups such as African-Americans and Mexican Americans. While recognizing freedom of the press, the Council would ask that the publisher of The People News take action to address that article and restrict further polarization and restrict such articles and do nothing to promote our citizens, our city and all of its fine citizens no matter what their political persuasion or religious persuasion might be.

Probably the worst word is “restrict,” which is tantamount to “censorship.” The bad thing was the idea that a government body thinks that it can even attempt to censor a newspaper. Talk about 1st Amendment violations. Do I smell a suit here? Do I see national news attention?

I reckon the oddity of this situation is the way that the Bradley News is treating the Council attempt at censorship. In the 19 Mar 08 issue of the paper, Daniel Brantley wrote:

Nothing gets the editorial juices flowing like a sticky subject. Granted, I wasn’t going to originally talk about what happened in my editorial. To be honest, I wasn’t even going to mention it at all. The sticky subject I’m talking about is the column written by June Griffin. It appears after dipping her pen in controversy year after year, she’s still got it. And while it is frustrating that her main goal seems to be controversy, I believe she has a right to go after that goal.

No, we’re not in bed with the monthly paper, we’re not merging with them and they’re not blackmailing us into defending their actions. We’re just wondering where it stops. What is beyond the realm of government interference? Is there a line anymore?

What makes it even more difficult is that I understand Council Member Bill Estes’ concerns. I think we all do. He wants common decency to prevail, and Griffin’s article missed the mark of decency by a landslide. If given the chance, we here at Bradley News would not run a column by Griffin that contained what she wrote, and I believe there are several other publications that feel the same. However, The People News is not one of them, and just like Bobby Brown said, that’s their prerogative.

I almost believed what Brantley wrote in his first two paragraphs but when I read his third paragraph I realized that he and the Bradley News that he writes for, are worse than the censoring City Council. Yep, plain to see that not only does Brantley admit that his paper would not print what it considers to be an indecent article, he alludes that the People News would. And, therein lies the rub: If there is any other entity in this county that practices censorship more diligently than does the Bradley News, I sure do not know about it.

So to its practice of censorship, the Bradley News now adds collaboration to their editorial mindset, because they agreed when the City Council declared the article indecent and they tacitly supported that resolution to muzzle the author. That is “censorship.” And going along with the Council’s resolution is “collaboration.” And the way the Bradley News so snidely criticized the People News for printing an indecent article is “duplicity.”

Mary Ann got busted last week for having a little weed in her car. She was always my favorite, though, between her and Ginger. You know, Gilligan’s Island? That’s the Mary Ann I’m talking about. Thing is, she’s like seventy years old now. You know? Seventy? Little weed? There really should be some kind of cut-off point where certain laws don’t apply to people anymore. It’s like we’re bossing our elders around, you know? Doesn’t seem respectful somehow, them with one foot already in the grave. Willie Nelson’s another one. He’s got to be close to 100 by now, cause he’s been around forever. I’m serious. Guy was writing songs for Pasty freakin’ Cline back in the 50s or something, so I know he’s got to be an old man by now. He’s always getting popped for having weed on his tour bus or in his truck. Old people just shouldn’t be subject to certain laws. Let’s leave them alone. Let them have their wacky tobaccy. Let them drive 40 mph on I-75 in the fast lane with their blinker on. Let them go out of the house without their clothes on. Let them lose their dentures in the liver and onions at the food bar. Let them have six hundred cats in their house. We should just let them do what they like. Unless it’s something major, like arson or murder or eating people or any other odious behavior against others, I say we should pretty much just let old people alone. Let ‘em do their thing, you know, without fear of going to jail? It’s not anarchy if you’re old. And, I guess I would classify old as anyone over 35.

No, see ~ I got my mojo working. Thing is, it just don’t work on you.

Yipes! John McCain used the “F” word last week when he was talking about Mike Huckabee. Yep. McCain called him “Friend.”

Well, friend’s an F word. Could have also called him flaxen, futuristic, firetruck or funnelcake. Those are F words, too. And there’s still 25 more letters left in the alphabet we could use to make other “(capital letter)-word” words out of, too. Run through those and we can move on over to the Spanish alphabet and make even more in other languages. So hang in there, my peeps, cause we can do this thang.

Speaking of using words well …

And I Quote: “I don’t like Hillary because she’s so bossy and cold and manipulative and stuff.” ~ old prototype feminist Germaine Greer

… bossy and cold and manipulative and stuff? What is she, a middle schooler? The woman’s supposed to be spokesperson for an entire movement. Germaine, luv, visit a dictionary, a thesaurus, something. Expand your vocabulary. You’re an author, for pity’s sake.

And speaking of old prototype feminists trying to sound hep, here’s another …

And I Quote: “I mean, hello? This is supposed to be a qualification to be president? I don’t think so.” ~ Gloria Steinem, denigrating John McCain’s 5-1/2 years as a POW during Vietnam

Gloria, dude, you can’t be 74 years old and a valley girl, too. I mean, hello? It’s gotta be one or the other. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to pick a hand. And by the way ~ happy birthday (yeah, see, cause March 25 is Gloria’s birthday … we should all chip in and get her something nice … maybe a Chippendale dancer).

A toast! A toast, I say ~ raise your glasses … here’s to $112 a barrel! Down the hatch and up your street.

And FYI ~ to hear OPEC tell it, it ain’t going down anytime soon. Enjoy your Hummers, boys. And I ain’t talking about them good kind neither.

An eight-year-old Brazilian kid name of Joao Victor Portellinha recently passed the entrance exam for admission to Universidade Paulista law school. That’s quite a feat for a fifth-grader, kid’s got to be a prodigy. But … he wants to be a lawyer? Really, Joao? You don’t need to pass the bar, my young friend, you need to raise it.

Speaking of our naifish but diverting neighbors to the south, some teenage boys down in Argentina were idly filming with a cell phone one night last week when a “creepy little gnome” came sidling out of the shadows onto the road. Thing was a couple feet tall and had on a little pointy hat like the Travelocity gnome. Scared the bejeezers out of the boys and they screamed like girls when they saw him. Little bitty guy, looked like he could fit in a beach bucket. Turns out it was just Alan Jones making the rounds down in Salta, taking in the sights, working on his Macarena. Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena … wrong dance, wrong country, but it’s all goooood.

Benny Shanon, a professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, thinks Moses was high when he had his “burning bush” and “talking with God on Mt. Sinai”episodes. Benny thinks Moses was goobered out on something called “ayahuasca” (pronounced “ayahuasca”). Evidently, ayahuasca is a “powerful psychotropic plant,” makes you all hallucinogenic … like magic mushrooms, LSD, the Sgt. Pepper album, puberty. Of course, Benny also thinks God is a great old big floating Timothy Leary’s head, so take what he says with a grain of salt, y’know what I’m sayin’?

And a shout-out to the handful of 60s burnouts who actually got that pun (Timothy Leary’s head) … you guys are my demographic. And the only people left on the planet who still think puns are even mildly amusing here in the first decade of the enlightened 21st century. Maybe one day I’ll be able to meet you all in person but I sure hope not.

I lied. My mojo’s in the shop and they had to order the parts from China.

by Kenneth Balog

Censorship is a method used to silence the voices of public opinion, or, if not the general public, specific individuals who have seemingly criticized the administrator of a government agency, business or any group having an agenda.

Years ago, the federal government enforced censorship in the belief that “loose lips sink ships.” The same federal government rounded up the entire Japanese-American population and stuck them in concentration camps. I thought those days had passed until the local Bradley News Weekly administrators banned me from using their forum on a web page.

Imagine that! Banned and exiled from a newspaper forum! What kind of newspaper is that? According to sources on the internet that rate newspapers, the Weekly is way down there among the worst rated papers in the United States of America. When you consider that the Communists, Klan, Gays, Democrats, Nazis, Pedophiles and such, publish papers in one form or another, I begin to wonder about the rating system – and the paper.

Censorship on the internet now comes under the buzz title of “Pagewaxing,” which means that the administrator of a web site tampers with the comments posted by site members, editing some, deleting others, and in some cases, banning the writer from the site. The reasons for doing so are mostly generated in the mind of the administrator, especially one who is sensitive to any degree of bad publicity or perceived criticism. According to people who deal with internet censorship, even some of the most innocuous comments prompt vicious attack. Oh, and then comes the banning.

But whatever the censor’s purpose, the end result is the same – a full-fledged (and oftentimes successful) attack on protected free-speech rights and the silencing of yet another innocent voice…an attack often motivated by nothing more than pure thirst for control.

I was banned from using the forums of the Bradley News, Friday, 22 Feb 08 for some unknown reason. Probably because I exposed a member of the staff who had tampered with a comment I had made on the forum. I do not know how that would rate being banned or censored either one, but it sure happened.

Not only was I banned, I have since been told that my entire history of comments have been deleted from the web site – going back many months. Moreover, I have been told that my banishment was based on the fact that I have been writing under the name of a person who died a long time ago. I wonder if that excuse will be posted in the Censors’ Hall of Fame?

Since I am now dead, does it mean that the Administrator at Bradley News can go ahead an steal my writing name and the comments I posted there? I mean, like, do a bit of plagiarism. Plagiarism and Censorship. What a combination. Shouldn’t that be included in the masthead of the paper?

Anyway, I just had to mention that censorship is still alive; at least on the internet and the pages of the Bradley Weekly forum, which, in my opinion, rates right down there with North Korea, Cuba, Iran, Peoples Republic of China and Vietnam as censorship entities. Woe is us.

Saturday morning and it’s snowing. Nothing like up north or out in the midwest, but snow nonetheless. I get done here maybe I’ll go out on the deck and construct another Señor Snowman. You know, with the little pink sombrero me and Mrs. Leonard brought back from Mexico last year? Or maybe I’ll build a Son of Señor Snowman. Cause, really, there can only be one true Señor Snowman. You all remember Señor Snowman, though, yes? From back in January? “Señor Snowman ~ the tiniest hombre east of the Pecos”? (Link) What? You don’t? Seriously, you don’t? Oh, but you remember the Hagler flap from back before that. Selective memories, that’s what y’all have. I’ll take one Señor Snowman, or even one Son of Señor Snowman, over a dozen Haglers any day of the week. And twice on Sunday. Y’all are getting on my nerves. A bunch of you from the old days have turned absolutely stupid. You know who you are.

Aww … who cares. I ain’t gonna let you ruin my snowy Saturday morning. Your problem, not mine. Got the hot coffee, the snow outside, a nice fire going, Mrs. Leonard buzzing around doing what she does …

Hey, you know what? The heck with you this morning. I ain’t even gonna write a column this week. Just whatever I’ve written up to this point. I’m gonna stop, call it done and work on some of my comic book stories. I’m working on a new kid’s book for Van der Pool. Doing some other stuff, old radio show take-offs. Working on a Southern gothic thing with animals acting like people, an anthropomorphic kind of thing, like those A.B. Frost illustrations in my 1935 edition of The Uncle Remus Book … you know, Brer Rabbit, Brer Fox and all them? Course, my stuff don’t touch A.B. Frost, but that’s not the point.

And yes, I’m backdating the column to last Wednesday. I don’t really even know why I keep writing it. I guess just to annoy you. “Ooh, what’s he sayin’ this week? Is he being controversial? Did he mention Hagler again? Ooh, that rotten guy, making a fool out of people … can we get him fired? He’s too controversial.”

Yeah, almost 12 years of writing this column ~ every week for 12 years … when have you ever known me to be controversial? Idiots. That’s kind of the whole point of “Out Of My Mind,” iddn’t it? I am the first and I am the worst. Don’t forget that. I ain’t going anywhere until I’m ready to leave.

And it so happens I’m ready to leave.