They be jammin’ over in the Salahuddin Province of Iraq. It’s Saddam Hussein’s birthday and they’re partying like it’s 1999. And they ain’t letting a little thing like the fact that he’s dead stop them either. Faten Abdel Qader, who helped organize the birthday bash, said, “The children who lived during the age of this man had security. They didn’t know anything about murder, violence or sectarianism. An Iraqi woman could hold her head high.” To underscore that sentiment, a group of school girls sang, “Bush, Bush you low-life. Saddam’s blood is not cheap.” Happy birthday, Saddam. For those of us who loved you, you were like a swarthy, mustachioed John Kennedy. We’ll never forget ye … the genocide, the mass graves, the beheadings, those lovable scamps Uday and Qusay. Good times, good times.

Scientists now say that so-called “pleasure-blocking” pills can cause depression and suicide. Evidently, the pills work by blocking the pleasure centers in the brain ~ you know … those areas that give you a rush from smoking or overeating or whatever. The pills block that pleasure rush. Okay … but none of those over educated eggheads in the lab could have anticipated that if you inhibit a person’s pleasure center it’s maybe going to increase their misery levels? Pleasure-Blockers ~ brought to you by the same, or similar, bunch of bone-heads who brought you ethanol, New Coke and the color green. Hey, lab guys … maybe we should go easy on the brain drugs for awhile, what’d’ya say?

A big fat tub of lard in Bentonville, Arkansas who beat and stabbed a guy to death than burned his home in an attempt to cover the crime is suing the county because he’s lost 100 pounds since being in jail. He weighed 413 when he was arrested last September, now he weighs 308. I have an idea, tubbo … instead of suing somebody cause your big fat murdering butt has been cut off from your potato chips, pizzas and Rocky Road, why don’t you thank the Benton County jail for the fact they’ve probably added a few years to your life? You can use them extra years to wait out your appeals while you’re sitting on death row getting all svelte and sexy looking. Meanwhile, I think I’ll have another cheeseburger.

The Southern Baptist Convention reports that memberships are dropping. The irony of that is, Islamic memberships are rising.

No, actually, the irony of that is, the president of the Southern Baptist Convention said one of the reasons their membership is declining is because of the perception that Baptists are “mean-spirited, hurtful and angry.” Whereas, as everyone knows, Muslims are regarded as sweet-tempered, helpful and full of joy.

But the Baptists ain’t the only ones. There are now more Muslims in the world than there are Catholics. So … go enjoy what’s left of your life.

And now, we go to the Clinton-bashing portion of the column, this week featuring ex-prez Bubba, a life form unto itself that truly defies classification (and you know he’s got to love the taste of his own foot, cause why else would he always be sticking it in his big fat mouth?) …

And I Quote: “I think that (the Obama campaign) played the race card on me.” ~ Bubba, touting all his “first black president” creds

And I Quote: “I don’t think I should take any s— from anybody on that, do you?” ~ Bubba, defending his “race card” comment (see above) after he thought the recording devices were turned off

And I Quote: “No, no, no, that’s not what I said.” ~ Bubba denying he made the “I don’t think I should take any s—” comment (see above)

And I Quote: “… every (news) story has seemed to reinforce an image of (Bill) Clinton as a sort of ill-tempered coot driven a little mad by Obama’s success.” ~ Ryan Lizza, writing in The New Yorker

Speaking of crazed, ill-tempered coots … boy, Jeremiah Wright, huh? The man has single-handedly destroyed the Nobama feel-good phenom. A little bit of the Right Rev Wright goes a long way, dudn’t it? His fifteen minutes isn’t even up and I’m already sick of him. You got to know Nobama wishes he’d go away. I strongly suspect the Rev is being fueled and encouraged by the Clinton machine. Hillary and Bubba have been slinging poop at Nobama for months but nothing would stick. Then somebody uncovered this babbling dinosaur Jeremiah Wright and all of a sudden Nobama’s toast.

We don’t have political campaigns in this country anymore. We have war games.

Okay, let me wax philosophical here, speaking of the Right Rev Wright and all. He claims the U.S. government introduced AIDS into the black community to intentionally kill black people. Although I think he probably knows better, you can’t blame those in the African-American community for buying into it. There is a precedent. It’s called the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment.

The 40-year-long Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment was conducted by the U.S. Public Health Service between 1932 and 1972 and involved 399 black men who were suffering from advanced stages of syphilis. Basically, the point of the experiment was to see what effect syphilis had on black men and how long it would take them to die. The subjects were mostly illiterate sharecroppers from one of the poorest, most depressed areas of Alabama.

By the time the whistle was blown on this Naziesque fiasco, 28 of the test subjects were dead from the syphilis, 100 were dead from problems related to the syphilis (tumors, heart disease, paralysis, blindness, insanity, etc.), 40 of their wives were infected with syphilis and 19 of their children were born with syphilis. It was a 40-year syphilisfest.

But adding an extra dimension of revulsion to this appalling chapter in American “medicine” is the fact that a number of black doctors, nurses and the Tuskegee Institute itself ~ a black university founded by Booker T. Washington ~ all collaborated.

So it isn’t surprising that in1990, a study on race relations revealed that 10 percent of African Americans surveyed believed the United States government created AIDS as a means of genocide against blacks. Another 20 percent of those surveyed said they wouldn’t be surprised if it were true.

The Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment was government sponsored and sanctioned and knowledge of it extended all the way up the chain of command to the Surgeon General. In light of this, perhaps it isn’t completely beyond reason that some African-Americans might be skeptical of what their government is capable of. It doesn’t change the fact that Jeremiah Wright is an idiot, but there you go. You want to read more about the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment, I suggest Bad Blood, by James Jones.

Syphilic chickens coming home to roost.

I’m seeing where the problem of high school bullies is in the news again. Bullies cycle through the news from time to time, like it’s some new form of crank that’s just hit the scene that nobody’s ever seen before. But when have there not been bullies? They run from hardcore despots like Pol Pot to lowly county commissioners like … well, pick a hand. Bullies ~ and the toadies who love them. I remember once when I was in eight grade, a couple of upper classmen took to clowning me whenever they saw the opportunity. They’d come up behind me during the change of class and knock my books out of my hand, shoot paper clips at me with rubber bands, stuff like that. I took it in stride, understanding my place on the food chain. But then one day I leaned over a water fountain to take a drink and one of them slipped up behind me and shoved my head into the water. Real funny, except I hit my mouth on the spigot and it hurt ~ split my lip, could have broken a tooth. Before I could think about it too much, I spun around and cold-cocked him one square in the nose. Surprised the fool out of him (and me). But it was priceless, that punk standing there with his eyes wide, holding his nose, blood pouring over the front of his shirt, tears in his eyes. Of course him and his toady then proceeded to whale the tar out of me, but they neither one of them ever bothered me again. My point is, a butt-kicking doesn’t hurt nearly as bad or last nearly as long as knowing you backed down from a bully. And I gotta tell you … there’s nothing more glorious than getting in one solid punch, especially when it brings tears to some tough guy’s eyes. Whatever happens after that is incidental cause making a bully cry is comedy gold.

Delta and Northwest airlines are merging into one huge, mega-airline. The two air travel giants say that by pooling their networks and personnel and bag handlers and all, they will be better able to send your luggage to exotic countries that are on the opposite side of the planet from your destination, and also cancel flights at a much faster rate.

I was feeling frustrated and bitter the other day and I just had this weird compulsion to get my gun and my Bible and express some sort of anti-immigrant and/or anti-trade sentiment. So I sat there in the living room for a while shooting my gun and reading my Bible. It was a strange thing, I admit, but oddly enough I felt better after. The people upstairs weren’t all that thrilled, but still.

Sheriff Tim Gobble says: “Boys and girls, listen to your sheriff ~ read your Bible but don’t shoot guns in the house.”

And, of course, when he says protect and serve … he means it!

According to Drudge, the population of the world will hit 6,666,666,666 next month. Could that number be any more demonic? It’s like the mark of the beast on steroids. I don’t know, but if I were a superstitious man, that number wouldn’t be boding all that well with me.

According to Kinky: “If you’re paranoid long enough, sooner or later you’re gonna be right.” ~ Kinky Friedman

And I Quote: “She will wear skirts. Gone will be the pantsuits that made her look like a small blond man with breasts.” ~ Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, describing how Hillary will dress for her next presidential bid in eight years.

But my question to Peggy Noonan … Hillary has breasts?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, let’s play a quick round of “I’m Scarier Than You!”

Contestant #1 ~ Binyamin Ben-Eliezer, the national infrastructure minister of Israeli: “Iran will be wiped off the face of the earth if it dares to fire any missile at us.”

Contestant #2 ~ Mohammad Reza Ashtiani, Iranian deputy chief of staff: “If Israel wants to take any action against the Islamic republic, we will eliminate Israel from the scene of the universe.”

Wooo! Elimination from the scene of the universe! That’s pretty scary stuff. What do the judges say? Elimination from the scene of the universe trumps being wiped off the face of the earth. Point goes to Mohammad Reza Ashtiani.

You know, we joke about nuclear annihilation, and it is kind of funny, but Cham Dallas says there will be a nuclear terror attack on a major U.S. city within the next 20 years. He said it was inevitable. His actual words were, “It’s inevitable.” And you should listen when Cham says something like that, too, cause he’s the director of the Institute for Health Management and Mass Destruction Defense and if anybody would know anything about stuff like that, Cham would. You bet’cha.

And laying the groundwork for said nuclear terror attack this past week we had the lovely and talented Jimmy Carter over in Palestine hugging up on Hamas terrorist Nasser Shaer like the guy was an old girlfriend from high school or something. I got the impression it was some weird kind of man love thing going on with Jimmy ~ old, white, hideously wrinkled peanut farmer and the swarthy bad boy who would never be his. Or am I reading too much into that? I do remember visualizing a thought balloon over Nasser’s head and in the balloon it read, “I gotta say, this Jimmy guy, this is one guy I really wouldn’t mind decapitating.”That evening Jimmy didn’t think he had debased himself quite enough yet, so he went out and placed a wreath on the grave of that great Godfather of Terror, Yasser Arafat (who, thankfully, has been eliminated from the scene of the universe and is, even as we speak, burning in hell).

No, seriously. Smell him?

by Kenneth Balog

I declare! In the past few weeks, I have encountered a passel of angry folks. Most everywhere I go – for instance Wal-Mart Super Store, where I saw a fat woman tossing a tizzy fit because she had run out of food stamps and the checkout clerk wouldn’t give her credit.

Then there was the woman who got all upset because she ran her car into the deep ditch I dug between my side yard and the passing roadway. She grew angrier when I explained that the ditch was meant to keep cars from running into my flowerbeds. She really flamed when I asked her if she had been drinking – again. Angrier all the more, when I told her my insurance did not cover a Cadillac driven into a deep ditch by a senile, drunk driver. Why can’t women drivers drive? Why do they get so angry when they are criticized even a little bit?

Oh, and what got me to thinking about this anger thing? Well, it has to do with the latest public expression of anger – one by a fellow named Bebb.

Bebb is the local DA and is apparently going through some type of maelstrom of judicial wizardry wherein he can’t find the niche he is supposed to occupy. He wants to be supreme judge/jury/executioner of East Tennessee however finds himself mired in Bradley County politics. Did you remember that he confessed to making comments about the Snyder case in a regretfully angry and frustrated manner? There went that anger thing again.

Bebb wasn’t the only public figure to express anger. Mark Grissom apologized to school board members about making e-mails in haste, anger and frustration. It caused a big flap.

Considering all this anger, and after reading comments of Forum Members on the BNW internet site, I can only conclude that our local water supply is contaminated with something that induces anger. Maybe it is some of that mercury that was dumped into the Hiwassee River, from whence we draw our water – or, maybe it has something to do with the frequent stench pumped into the air by that paper plant. I don’t know – I just see a lot of anger out there.

Too bad folks aren’t sweet natured, like me.

I’ve been backdating my column for a while now so it would appear to go up online on Wednesday. Why Wednesday? Just force of habit, that’s all. For eight years my column ran in the Bradley Weekly and it hit the stands on Wednesday morning. Then when I went to the Internet in 2004 at HomeTownCleveland.com I just keep the Wednesday deadline out of habit. But lately, I’ve been getting later and later with the column (i.e., Saturday), and I would backdate it to Wednesday in a misguided effort to maintain … I don’t know … consistency? Doing it simply because I did it for so many years? Well, no more, my friends. I’m shaking off that Wednesday deadline … scraping that final remaining Bradley Weekly cootie from the bottom of my shoe. From now on, regardless of when I get around to writing and posting the thing, I will henceforth backdate my column to Saturday.

Los Angeles is looking to implement a new tax disguised as a “climate change mitigation and adaptation fee.” Ostensibly, the “fee” is designed to combat global warming. But it does beg the question: With the traffic, the earthquakes, the random freeway killings, the obnoxious movie stars, TMZ and Berkeley … why does anyone still live in California?

Case in point, Oliver Stone is doing a movie about George W. Bush. Stone says he mixed fact with fiction. For instance, he said it’s fiction, the part where W. goes back in time and invents slavery … but it’s a fact that W. is a malignant alien life form from the horsehead nebula. “That’s why he likes horses,” Oliver explained. The cartoon character Yosemite Sam has been signed to play W.

And … Lindsay Lohan says she is going nude in her next film to prove she’s a serious actress. Yeah, I showed up at church last week nude to prove I was a serious Christian. Then I went over to Wal Mart nude to prove I’m a serious shopper, and had supper at Shoney’s nude to prove I’m a serious eater. And to the gals at the Election Commission ~ yes, as a matter of fact, I am a serious voter. Just a little heads up there, ladies.

No pun intended.

And yet, oddly enough, I opted to wear ski boots and a red lumberjack shirt to the Sunshine Nudist Ranch in Ellijay. They asked me to leave. Said I wasn’t a serious nudist.

And I Quote: “Get me more white people, we need more white people.” ~ event coordinator for Michelle Obama, preparatory to her appearance at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh

But please ~ no “typical” white people. Get us some of them crackers up in here what be diverse, yo.

And I Quote: “It’s not surprising then (the middle class) gets bitter, they cling to guns or religion, or antipathy to people who aren’t like them, or anti immigrant sentiment, or anti trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.” ~ Barrack Obama, throwing off on typical white Pennsylvanians

Speaking of race, studies indicate that black people score lower on intelligence tests than whites. Those same studies show that white people score lower than Asians. And Asians score lower than Ashkenazi Jews, who are said to be the smartest people on earth. What does all this mean? Maybe that Ashkenazi Jews are the ones doing those studies.

Or maybe it’s something in the Rhine.

According to Kinky: “They say God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.” ~ Kinky Friedman

Back in the ‘90s, a guy received a heart transplant from another guy who had committed suicide. The guy who received the heart then went on to marry the widow of the guy who killed himself. Now, 12 years later, the second guy has killed himself. Something’s hinky with that heart or that woman, I don’t know which, but if you’re looking for a heart or a wife or, perish forbid, both … stay away.

I read of a new study this week that linked “big bellies” with dementia. It says that people with rolls of abdominal fat are most likely to lose their marbles. I look around me ~ Wal Mart, at the mall, in the mirror ~ and that study begins to make a lot of sense. A lot of sense.

Another new study released by a couple of researchers at the University of Pennsylvania says that drinking too much water can cause “intoxication.” And they said if you add bourbon it can cause “drunkenness” as well.

I was just thinking about how dumb a lot of judges are (and don’t we have our share right here at home?). I knew they were hinky the first time I ever saw one sashaying around in that black robe. I thought, why don’t the guy just go ahead and strap on a cape and a Pope’s hat? Remember that judge recently who tried to sue the dry cleaners for 65 million bucks because they lost his “lucky pants”? Guy was actually crying real tears in open court over the loss of his pants. But judges are basically born from lawyers, so there’s that to consider. One of my favorite lawyer stories is the one from back in 1993, a lawyer in Canada was showing a group of visiting law students how unbreakable the windows were in his office on the 24th floor of the Toronto-Dominion Bank Tower, so he threw himself against the window to demonstrate out strong it was. Of course, the window shattered and the lawyer plunged 24 stories to his death. I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but more lawyers should do that.

by Kenneth Balog

You know something J Michael? I just realized that you have been depriving me and other residents of Bradley County and the City of Cleveland of our rightful share of free humor, political wit and maybe some sideways sarcasm.

Oh yeah, you still do that weekly squib on the ashes of Hometowncleveland.com, but that ain’t cutting it mister. What has happened to the cartoons, unvarnished news, images and the forums where site members could verbally strangle each other or bash the snot out of local politicians and swellheads?

How much longer are you going to ponder the fate of HTC before you remember that it was THE place where folks could get the news, where stories broke first, and where there was no censorship?

In case you have not noticed, there are not many sites where residents can go to view a forum. And, as far as I can tell, there is not a place where folks can make comments contrary to the views of the forum administrator. Or, a site where there is no view or side or agenda in the first place.

You know what has prompted me to send this barb at you? It was the latest issue of Bradley News. Lordy, what a miserable newspaper it has turned into. From bad to worse. Why did I bother reading it at all? Well, I was hoping that one of the writers might take up the issue of censorship that has reared its ugly head in Cleveland. Instead, they have gone over to writing about their personal lifestyles, eating habits and hopes for a socialistic nation. Makes me feel that being banned from the site was worthwhile.

A national survey says most Americans would prefer a cure for high fuel costs over a cure for cancer. Of course, that’s what they say at the pump. When all their hair has fallen out and they’re sucking back chemo cocktails while waiting out a slow, painful death, they say they’d rather have the cancer cure.

Speaking of cancer, internationally acclaimed cancer specialist Dr. Vini Khurana now says that cell phones are more dangerous than cigarettes. The solution? Stop smoking your cell phones, you idiots.

Then again, maybe the cell phone-cancer connection is just natural selection weeding out the boorish and self-important.

What? Why, yes, I do have a cell phone. Two, in fact. Why do you ask?

According to Kinky: “I’m not afraid to die. I’m not afraid to live. I’m not afraid to fail. I’m not afraid to succeed. I’m not afraid to fall in love. I’m not afraid to be alone. I’m just afraid I might have to stop talking about myself for five minutes.” ~ Kinky Friedman

You think fuel prices are high now? Corn is at $6 a bushel and rising, thanks to ethanol. I’ve said it before ~ the quickest road to failure is government regulation.

At least eight states across the country have decided to solve prison overcrowding by releasing thousands and thousands of drug addicts, thieves and violent criminals back on the street. I will admit that sounds like a good idea, but how about this ~ why don’t we just stop arresting criminals in the first place? You know, just for awhile until the jail population thins out a little, quit arresting law breakers? I know I could use a new big screen HDTV and maybe a tivo and some other electronics and stuff, and about the only way I can afford anything like that right now is by smashing out the windows at Circuit City and looting it. So, what’d’ya say? A season of anarchy? Give folks a little time to upgrade?

You know who I think would make a cute couple? Naomi Campbell and Joren Van der Sloot. She could give him the beat-down he needs and then he could dump her into the ocean while she slept. Win-win.

And I Quote: “The obese bristle when they are called fat. A liar hates to be called one.” ~ donna, Pgh, PA – posted on Wednesday, April 02, 2008 5:19 p.m., msnbc.msn.com

In other words, big fat liars hate it when you call them big fat liars. It’s an obvious truth.

A new study now says that Icelandic men have the longest life spans of anyone else in the world. On closer examination, however, it was determined that wasn’t exactly the case. What the study really found was that in Iceland, a minute seems like an hour, a year seems like a decade and a lifetime seems like a freakin’ eternity.

And I Quote: “The truth of the American experience today for many regular folks is that folks are trying to reach a bar that just keeps moving.” ~ Teresa Heinz Kerry (remember her, you continental Africans?)

And, of course, no folks know better than Teresa folks how hard it is for folks to drink from a moving bar.

This week, Ted Turner said that within a couple of decades, global warming will have destroyed civilization on earth and people will have become cannibals. He seemed to like the idea of cannibalism, though, and it has given many people a very uneasy feeling about why the chicken at Ted’s Montana Grill always seems so stringy.

Ol’ Ted also said he found it “really hard to believe” that he would go to hell. Yeah, I bet he does. A lot of people feel that way.

Somebody tell me … what’s the deal with this “pregnant man” that’s all over the news? Headlines are calling him a “medical phenomenon,” this guy from Oregon who is pregnant. People, take a breath. This is not a pregnant guy. This is a woman who had a sex change, keep her ovaries, “married” another woman and then got pregnant through artificial insemination. Hello? No “guy” here. This is a pregnant woman. That’s all. No medical miracle. No men having babies. Just a pregnant woman. Been going on since the beginning of time, women getting pregnant. What is wrong with us?

And by “us,” I mean “you.”

by Kenneth Balog
Long ago, in another century, and in a faraway suburb of Pittsburgh, which was a city in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the United States Postal Service moved mail from place to place in propeller driven airplanes.

For the exorbitant fee of 6 cents, which purchased a red stamp that was affixed to the top right corner of a letter; the letter would be placed in a canvas sack that was carried on board an airplane from my locale to the city which I had designated on the letter.

Way back in the days of the 1930s, not only did the small single engine air mail carriers transport mail to surrounding towns, they dropped and picked up mail at specified locations in the suburbs of Pittsburgh itself.

The mail delivery part of the operation wasn’t much to talk about because it only amounted to someone in the plane, kicking a sack out the door and hoping it would land within the target circle painted atop a hill. The pickup part was more thrilling because it involved the plane swooping down to snag a mailbag that was suspended between two poles atop the hill. The aircraft trailed a long rod with a hook on the end to snag the cross ropes. What was especially thrilling was the fact that the plane came down within 20 feet of the ground to do the drop or snag.

I used to dream about substituting me for a mailbag, to be snatched aloft and carried to an unknown location.

I fell in love with the Stinson Reliant planes that ran the mail routes. Mainly because of the screaming engine and the shrill whistle of the struts and landing gear cutting through the air during the dive and climb maneuvers. I also loved the way the pilots would respond to a crowd of kids waving from a hilltop, by diving down and washing them off their feet with the wingtip vortexes and the slipstream. It were a thrill never to be forgotten.

Some of us boys figured that we ought to return the thrill favor to the pilots. Yeah, do something that would make their blood race through their veins and their hearts to pump loads of adrenalin and their mouths to fly open with a shout of pure terror.

What we settled upon was fantastic. On the day we decided to thrill the pilots of aircraft 412NP, thirty of us kids gathered atop Wilson’s knob to wait for the plane.

Here it came on schedule and when we waved, the pilot dove down toward us, engine screaming and the wind whistling. Instead of diving for cover, we boys snatched up our homemade bows and arrows and started launching missiles at the Reliant.

Thwuck, Thwuck, Thwuck, Splung, Crack and Whap, Whappity Whap, was the noise the arrows made as they penetrated the hell out of the doped skin of the plane. The pilot hauled back on the yoke so hard the Reliant went up too steeply and fell off on a right-wing stall. Darn near crashed below us on the hillside before the pilot recovered and went limping across the Monongahela River to the Braddock Hills and his mail delivery point. The fact that he was sideslipping along the way and trailing some smoke added to our great glee. When the plane made an emergency landing and got tangled up in the mail-snatch poles and wires it made my day.

The last thing I saw, before tears of joy blinded my vision, was the Reliant pitched up on its nose, the prop chewing up the sod, and folks running in every direction carrying mailbags. Lordy, Lordy, I ain’t had many days in my entire lifetime to match that one. It was worth the twenty whacks Chief Hampton laid on my butt, the dozen my momma gave me and the dose of sulphur and molasses Grandma Misky cleaned me out with.