I just read where Spain pays their illegal immigrants to go back where they came from. Now see, that’s interesting to me because in this country we pay our illegals to stay here. Spain gives them money to leave, the illegals take the money and go. We give them money to stay, the illegals take the money and they don’t go anywhere. And people wonder why our financial system is crashing. That’s why. We are a stupid people.

And I Quote: “I was taught that the U.S.A. is the motherland of moneymaking. And now all I can see is a herd of headless chickens running around on Wall Street.” ~ Hanna Evers, a Berlin retailer

America’s … headless Wall Street chickens … coming home to roost.

You know, I don’t like to editorialize, but there is a certain type of “music” that has saturated our culture and I feel it’s doing great harm to us as a society. Yes, I am talking about crap music. I understand it’s a cultural thing, but that’s no excuse. The lyrics are garbage ~ Yo my negro wiff yo finger on da tegro got da crack ho, smack ho, mo jo, Kokomo, bust a cap in yo face mo … it’s not even words, what they’re saying. They got the name right, though, cause it truly is crap music and you should all avoid it. What? What’s that you say? You say it’s called rap music, not crap music? Oh. Really? I did not know that. Well, I’m kinda embarrassed, I been saying it wrong all this time. Thanks for setting me straight. But it’s still crap.

And I Quote: “If Sarah Palin isn’t enough of a reason for you to get over whatever your problem is with Barack Obama, then you damn well had better pay attention. Anybody toting guns and stripping moose don’t care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks. So, you just think this through.” ~ Florida Democratic Congressman Alcee Hastings

Better living through Affirmative Action. And rap music.

Senior centers all across the country are making adjustments to accommodate the glut of elderly baby boomers who are now coming of age. To prepare, old folks’ homes are laying in plenty of beer, Beatles CDs and weed.

A guy in West Virginia was being booked for a DUI when he decided to “pass gas” at one of the guards. They charged him with battery on a police officer. Seriously … battery for pooting on a cop. Is that a misdemeanor or a felony? What a little stinker, that guy. Can’t call him anal retentive, that’s for sure. Yeah, coppers, run that one through your breathalyzer, see if it’s over the legal limit. Talk about your green house gasses. I’ve heard of thumbing your nose at the law, but pulling your finger? Bad boy, bad boy do you gotta poo? Can’t blame that one on the dog, though. Guy must’a been Russian … he kept calling for Putin. Somebody said he was studying fartology at the community college and just decided he’d do a little homework. Hi, I’m T. Boone Pickens and I want to talk to you about wind power. Anybody see that new sci fi flick, “Gas from Uranus”? Something’s rotten in Denmark, alright … Denmark, West Virginia. But seriously, that story stinks.

And I Quote: “I like that little Down Syndrome kid. One of them lives down the street.” ~ Bill Clinton, bragging on little Trig Palin

But that’s gold … “I like that little Down Syndrome kid.” You know what that reminds me of? When Bubba was president and he was at the National Geographic museum looking at that newly discovered Incan mummy named “Juanita” that was on display, and he says, “You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good-looking mummy.” You can’t write that stuff. And ol’ Bubba delivered for eight solid years. You see what you’re lost, Barack Obama? By not asking Hillary to be your vice president, you have not only lost the election, you have deprived the rest of us of another decade of The Bubba Show. And you call yourself presidential. Pull-eeze.

But I did learn one thing from the first presidential debate that I didn’t know … McCain and Obama both got bracelets.

Muslims, who have long held that Barbie and Ken dolls are decadent, now have their own versions. The Muslim dolls are called Dara and Sara and come equipped with their own accessories, including a chastening rod and scimitar for Dara in case Sara gets out of line, and a removable head for Sara in case Dara has to decapitate her.

Speaking of Islam, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at the United Nations this past week, telling that august body that the U.S. had pretty much reached the end of the road. He said “a few bullying powers” (wink, wink) have been standing in the way of Iran’s “peaceful nuclear activities” and it had to stop. Of course, by “peaceful nuclear activities,” Mahmoud means relentlessly pursuing the goal of eradicating every Jew on the planet forthwith and turning Israel into a white hot steaming pile of radioactive slag.You know, when God told Abraham that Ishmael would be a wild donkey of a man and his hand would be raised against everyone? That was, like, the biggest understatement in the history of the world.

by The Texas Trouble Maker

According to an article by David Davis in the Banner about the County Commission meeting of 23 Sep, Vice Chair Jeff Yarber could not/would not answer questions about the hiring of a part time employee for $30,000 a year whose sole job will be to make sure the nipples are properly affixed to the milk bottles that some of the commissioners apparently suck on, instead of doing county business.

You know the hiring of such a part time position at $30K must smell to high heaven when some of the commissioners object to the hiring — and the way the hiring is being handled — and how … well, it is outwardly a rotten deal.

What is interesting about this sudden need for a full-time-part-time position is that Yarber says Plumley (the normal chairperson) wants to form a hiring committee to do the hiring of this part-time-full-time person. And County Mayor D. Gary Davis claims he doesn’t have anything to do with the subject. I find both of those statements to be revealing. The most important is that the County Mayor doesn’t have anything to do with the subject — even though the prospective part-time-full-time employee already works for him. Say what?!

Then there are the comments about some sort of ad being run in a local paper, presumably about the hiring, and some more comments about how the expenditure of funds for the new/current employee hasn’t been approved/disapproved by the Finance Committee, and the fact that there is already a county department that does the hiring of employees, and Yarber did not know who posted the ad about the hiring, and, lastly, Yarber suggested that the matter could be discussed with Plumley whenever he got back from wherever he had gone.

Do you all get the impression that Plumley/Yarber are attempting an end-run on we taxpayers? Has anyone asked Plumley why he had to miss a Commission meeting? Has anyone asked Yarber why he, as vice chair, cannot conduct business at the commissioners’ meeting? Isn’t that what the vice chair is supposed to do?

I have to give the commissioner who made the following statement a kudo — “This Commission needs to know everything that’s going on, especially if you are spending money that doesn’t need to be spent.”

Maybe Plumley will attend the next meeting and Yarber won’t have to do anything other than agree with him.

Oh, and did everyone notice that no one had anything to say about the Sheriff?

In Morristown, New Jersey a cop steals eight breakfast sandwiches from a convenience store. A $29 value. He is fined $100 and fired from his job. In Cleveland, Tennessee a DTF agent holds his wife hostage, has a five-hour stand-off with three SWAT teams, shoots up his neighborhood using an automatic weapon with a kill range of almost two miles, threatens a “bloodbath” if anyone approaches him, forces his neighborhood to be evacuated, tasers the neighbor’s cat … and the district attorney says it’s okay cause he was just having a bad day. Welcome to our world, New Jersey.

Or, in the words of Juvenal, “It is hard not to write satire.”

I read the other day where six people down in Brazil legally changed their names to “Barack Obama.” But what you might not know is three of those people were originally named “Johnny McCain,” two were named “John Mac Cain,” and one was named Deuteronomy Q. McSnowzer. No word of anybody down there changing their name to “Joe Biden” yet, but I gotta say, if Obama was as popular in the U.S. as he is in the rest of the world, this election would be a cake walk.

Speaking of cake ~ it’s one of my most favorite things next to cheeseburgers. I’ve never understood why people were so offended when Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake.” I wouldn’t have beheaded her, I would have given her a community award or something. Poor Marie. ‘Course even if she had lived to a ripe old age she would still be dead by now, so I guess it’s all moot. But I do like cake. Like it better than pie.

You can put lipstick on a pig, and I think Miss Piggy did.

In Blackstone, Virginia they’re having a problem with ghost cats. Seriously. This just goes to show how a problem can get away from you. About ten years ago, Blackstone was having a problem with ghost grasshoppers. To get rid of the ghost grasshoppers they brought in some ghost mice. Ghost mice ate all the ghost grasshoppers but pretty soon they were having a problem with ghost mice. So then they brought in the ghost cats. That’s where they are now, having a problem with the ghost cats. So now they’ll probably bring in some ghost dogs. After that, they’ll probably bring in a reputable ghost dog catcher and that should pretty much take care of the problem.

What? What’s that you say? The ghost cats in the Blackstone story is referring to cougars or pumas, not house cats that have returned from the dead? You’re telling me “ghost cat” is just another name for cougars and pumas? Really? Well … well, I did not know that. I just saw the ghost cat headline on Drudge and went with it. I guess I should stop trying to write gags based solely on a headline. Should probably read the story first and then go from there. But, you know, it’s just so much more time and trouble researching everything. You gotta remember, my background is in news media … accuracy never really had all that much to do with it. But from now on I will try to be more accurate.

No, I won’t.

A cocaine dealer in Porter County, Indiana has added a $25 fee to cover his gas expenses whenever he makes a delivery. A $215 quarter-ounce of yeah-o will now cost $240 if the guy delivers it. Geekers who are already strapped for cash from supporting a coke habit are moving to neighboring Jasper County. “Anyway,” explained one crackhead, “I just always wanted to live in a jasper.”

And the mob, too … they’re cutting expenses, too. Now, whenever they pop somebody, instead of two slugs to the head and one behind the ear, they’re just doing the two to the head. You want that extra one behind the ear, it’s gonna cost you, capisce? Fugeddaboutit.

And I Quote: “I don’t celebrate this shit. I’m black.” ~ Dallas Mavericks’ Josh Howard explaining why he don’t celebrate the National Anthem

The media keeps saying race is a factor in the presidential election and I believe it. With over 90 percent of African Americans voting for Obama because of his race, I would say race is definitely a factor. But is it ethnic pride or good old fashioned racism? You know, you can put lipstick on a pigment, it’s still gonna be a pigment.

Okay … I’m trying my best to follow AlGore’s example and all, but I just can’t do it. The SUVs, the 100-foot houseboats, all the flying around in a jet plane? Who pays for that? The $30,000 electric bill every year? I’m running the AC wide open with all the doors and windows open, got every appliance on, TV, microwave, lights on in every room. I cannot use that much power. And, AlGore, even if I could? I can’t pay for it. How’m I gonna pay for it? I give up, my little environmentally-friendly buddy. I can’t afford to be green.

Is it true that AlGore burps greenhouse gas?

And Congress has come up with another excuse to adjourn early and go home. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained, “No one knows what to do.” Which is the first honest statement to come out of Congress in two years. But I don’t mind because I’d rather them be on vacation somewhere than messing things up in Washington even worse than they are. And yes, I wouldn’t mind if they did take Bush with them. George, I love you like a brother, but day’um.

Uh, yes, I’ll have a cheesewhopper and a large Coke, please.

Would you like lipstick with that?

(turning to the reader) Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize my column had already started. You caught me here in the drive-thru, getting a bite to eat. Hold on …

Uh, no. No lipstick.

Thank you, sir. Drive to the second window. The one without lipstick.

Okay. Let’s get started here. First of all I hope everyone took time to remember September 11 this past week. I would like to take a moment here and let you listen as all the Muslims in this country and around the world repudiate the horror of that day …

( ~ tick ~ tick ~ tick ~ )

Hmmmm … yeah, I don’t hear nothing either.

Okay, okay. Let’s try a different tact. Let’s take a moment and listen to all the feminists in this country and around the world repudiate the sexism and double standards applied to Sarah Palin by the media …

( ~ tick ~ tick ~ tick ~ )

I guess we better move on to something else or this will be the quietest column I ever wrote.

… And verily was the evil Charlie Gibson hanged upon the very gallows he had built for the brave and beautiful Sarah. ~ The Song of Sarah 3:16-17

The chairman of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change is calling on Americans to eat less meat in order to combat global warming. All I can say is ~ the heck is an “Intergovernmental Panel” and why is it trying to take away my cheesewhoppers? Sounds like a lot of green hooey to me. I ain’t buying it and the U.N. shouldn’t be selling it. Anyway, anything the U.N. tells me not to do, I’m doing. And anything they tell me to do, I ain’t.

Fannie, Freddie … got a bone to pick with you two. Not only are we going broke making mortgage payments to you, now we got to give you our tax money, too, cause you ain’t making enough? Hey, in case you didn’t notice, that’s double-dipping. Y’all need to sink or swim, feel me?

And I Quote ~ “… John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith.” ~ Barack Obama, on ABC’s This Week talking about how you can put lipstick on a Muslim, he’s still gonna be a Muslim

But those Islamos, I tell you, they don’t play. Right now, you got some of your senior clerics over in Saudi Arabia calling for the owners of cable channels to be put to death if they broadcast “programmes with indecency and vulgarity” or air comedy shows and soap operas during Ramadan. There’s no middle ground with those clerics, man … especially them senior clerics. You’re either praying to Mecca every fifteen minutes or they’re gonna know why not. The citizens over there are so scared all the time, they carry prayer rugs around like we carry cell phones. Seriously, they got so many things you can be put to death for it’s a wonder anybody in a Muslim country lives past the age of three.

And I Quote: “(Hillary Clinton) is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America … (she) might have been a better pick than me.” ~ Sen. Joe Biden, Obama’s vice president

Awww, Joe … does somebody need a hug? Little dab of lipstick?

Because their partisan shilling was becoming an embarrassment even to the left, MSNBC told Keith Olberman and Chris Matthews they will not be allowed to serve as “anchors” for anymore live political events. The two men were replaced by David Gregory. Which is like replacing the two wolves that guard your hen house with a smaller wolf that also likes to eat hens. I’m heck with an analogy, I know, but really ~ where’s Tucker Carlson when you need him?

Scientists are now saying eating only vegetables can make your brain shrink. What’s that you say? No, I think a shrinking brain is probably a bad thing. It ain’t like losing weight, I don’t think you want your brain to get smaller. Anyway, you should all lay off the vegetables for a while. I always knew cheesewhoppers were good for you … but brain food? Man, that’s just icing on the cake.

I kind of view the following as a cautionary tale: Italian comedienne Sabrina Guzzanti made some bad jokes about Pope Benedict XVI this week, now she’s facing up to five years in prison. Okay, I’ll grant you, saying the Pope was going to spend eternity in H-E-double-hockey-sticks being tormented by homosexual demons isn’t what I would call A-list material. Still,they start locking people up in prison for five years for telling for bad jokes … people, Lord help me, I’m a goner a hundred times over.

Across the pond in England, six Greenpeace activists who were on trial for causing £35,000 worth of damage to a coal-fired power station were found innocent on the grounds that the damage they did to the power station was less than the damage the power plant would do to global warning. How much is £35,000 anyway? I never can remember. A pound is less than a dollar, but I don’t know by how much. Anyway, what if the coal plant was only doing, let’s say, £15,000 of damage to global warning? Or even £5,000? Would the Greenpeaceniks still be justified? And if you put lipstick on them, would they still be Greenpeaceniks?

There! you see? That was a perfect example of a bad joke. I don’t even know where I was going with it. In Italy, that joke alone could have gotten me five years in the jug, and I didn’t even mention the Pope. That’s 1984 right there, people. That’s apocalyptical. End Times stuff. Biblical stuff right there, my peeps.

And Barack could put lipstick on every one of those 57 states he said he’s been to … we’d still only have 50 states in the U.S.

In my last column I said this presidential campaign is like a weird Coke-Pepsi taste test or something, then I said, Where’s the uncola when you really need it? Well, the uncola showed up in person at the Republican convention this past week and her name is Sarah. I gotta say, Sarah’s turned this whole thing around. We’re not careful, she’s liable to be our first female president. Maggie Thatcher and Ronald Reagan all rolled into one. And, friends, you heard it here first.

And here’s something else you only hear here ~ this situation with Osama bin Laden (I said “Osama,” not “Obama”) … personally, I tend to believe Osama’s dead and has been dead since that first massive bombing run over the hills of Afghanistan after 9-11. If the man was alive, wouldn’t he be all over the place shilling his jihad? What’ve we had? A voice on a couple of scratchy audio tapes that some terrorists claim is his? Some video footage of him walking through the mountains that could have been filmed back in the 80s for all we know? No, seriously … where is he? I’ll tell you where he is ~ rethinking the whole 72 virgins thing in some dark little corner of hell, that’s where.

Oprah Winfrey is catching a lot of grief because she refuses to have Sarah Palin on her show. O says it ain’t nothing against Sarah, it’s just she’s not having any candidates on the show … although most people believe it’s because of that creepy mom-crush thing Oprah’s got going with Obama. But O says she’ll have Sarah on as soon as the election is over. Afterwards, O says that she, Sarah and Gayle King can even have a sleep-over, sip some wine, watch some chick-flicks, eat some fudge, maybe have a tickle fight or two. Cause, see, girls just want to have fun.

Anyway, who is this demographic that has nothing else to do in the middle of the day but watch crappy talk shows on TV?

And just so nobody can say I’m like Oprah, pushing one side and putting the other down, I will now deride the Republican pick. To wit … Hey, I ain’t saying John McCain is old, but according to his high school year book his prom date was Mother Shipley. Bada-BING!

See? Equal opportunity sarcasm. And yes, I hear your collective cries of, “Who is Mother Shipley,” but come on, guys, I didn’t take you to raise. Google her. You know? Do something for yourself. I’m working here.

A junkie out in Modesto, California got freaked out because he thought he’d shot an air bubble into his vein along with a spoon of cocaine and he thought he was going to die. So he goes running into a near-by Denny’s, grabs a butter knife off some guy’s table who’s eating and starts hacking away at his arm, trying to cut it off, trying to get out in front of that air bubble before it reached his heart and killed him. I like to believe that if the man wasn’t tanked on cocaine he would have realized that a). Hacking your arm off with a butter knife is probably at least as risky, death-wise, as an air bubble in the vein, and b). The time it would take him to cut his arm off with a butter knife, that air bubble would of had time to ride through his entire circulatory system six times. So see, boys and girls, cocaine makes you stupid. But the odd part of that story, after the cops came and took the guy away, the Denny’s closed for the night. Why’d they close? It was a Denny’s. A guy whacking his arm off couldn’t of been all that unusual.

Experts are now warning of possible dangerous side affects from Botox treatments. You know, I never saw that coming. Who would’a thought that injecting a deadly toxin that is 40 million times more powerful than cyanide into your face would cause bad side affects and maybe death? I never saw that coming. Yeah. No, see, that’s sarcasm. Actually I saw it coming a mile away. My feelings about Botox is, it’s God’s way of weeding out narcissistic idiots.

Okay, you’re right … I shouldn’t go dragging God into it.

More evidence that the fat-cats are immune to supply and demand: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have been added to that long list of corporate bailouts charged to the U.S. taxpayer ~ Lockheed, Penn Central, Chrysler, General Motors, Ford, the airline industry, the U.S. savings and loan industry, all the farmers who are paid not to grow crops, the ethanol debacle, yada, yada, yada ~ while thousands of small and midsize businesses crash and burn every year trying to compete against the corporations. S’called free enterprise, Washingon style.

And here’s the election in a nutshell:

And I Quote: “I’ve got two daughters. Nine years old and six years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they (get pregnant), I don’t want them punished with a baby.” ~ Barack Obama

And I Quote: “As our (pregnant, 17-year-old) daughter faces the responsibilities of adulthood, she knows she has our unconditional love and support.” ~ Sarah Palin

And since I’m throwing out quotes, how about this one from the master …

And I Quote: “No time for on-the-job training. McCain will bring a lifetime of experience (to the White House). Obama will bring a speech that he gave in 2002.” ~ Hillary Clinton

by The Texas Trouble Maker

Welcome, welcome, Volkswagen. May I add my voice to the flood of others who are doing the welcome bit? In particular, I wish to welcome your industry to the city of Cleveland, which is located in Bradley County, just a few miles northeast of your planned plant in Hamilton County.

Please consider locating some of your employees, especially those with children, in this wonderful bird nest on the ground. We have sundry amenities and will construct as many more as you wish.

In the event that you might want to send some inspectors up here just to look at things, please ignore Exit 20 from I-75, because it is rather dangerous and is cluttered with terrible traffic snarls. Instead, go further up I-75 to Exit 25, which might be a tad small with no modern traffic signals. However, it does lead to 25th Street which bisects the city and oddly changes names a couple of times for no known reason. Turn left or right on Keith Street and sample our traffic control system, which has newly included some of those invasive red light cameras, but a weird setting as to how the lights change.

North on Keith Street you will find the most modern part of the city — malls, convenience stores, restaurants, judo schools, and knots of illegal immigrants on the street corners and hiding in the bushes. Please note the number of police cars gathered at the donut shops, the number of panhandlers and the extraordinary number of churches — a couple which have snakes.

We have an airport, which can handle mid-size aircraft; however, the city has not maintained the place very well because someone thought it best to construct a totally new airfield that will be able to handle international aircraft and maybe the space shuttle when it returns to earth. The new airport will be ready about the time your auto plant pushes its 2014 model out the door.

We are known for the recreational possibilities in this region. Boating, fishing, hunting, water rafting, swimming, hiking, camping — that sort of thing. Of course, you must learn about the rivers because one is polluted to hell and back with mercury and another is jinxed with some type of toxic residue from a carpet mill down in Georgia. We get our drinking water out of one of the rivers, so you best bring bottled water imported from Germany with you, should you visit. Ohhh and I forgot to mention, along with the bottled water, you might ought to bring a gas mask because we have a paper plant on the north side that releases some gaspingly strong fumes on weekends, and periodic aerial sprays.

Our schools are many and we are constantly building new ones that somehow cannot handle an expanding student population. If you have children interested in sports, this is the place to settle. Wrestling is big and so is football. Some folks might wonder as to why the city and county leaders spend more money on sports than they do on child health or education but they have a plan — I suppose.

Speaking of the city council and the county commission — both are heavy on spending money for public wellness, which translates to things like parks, museums, libraries, city sidewalks, courthouse parking, ball field lighting, preferential airports and greenbelts. As soon as they exhaust the funds that were derived from the sale of our county hospital, they will surely get around to doing something about child health, aid for the aged and perhaps medication assistance.

Overall, Cleveland City and Bradley County are not very bad. I like the place and chose it to live away the remainder of my years because it was better than some of the places I have seen — Korea, Vietnam, Pakistan, Iraq, North Africa and New Orleans. For certain New Orleans, where they have a mayor who ranks right up there with the one we have.

If you all decide to come to have a look and you need the services of a guide, allow me to recommend a fellow named J. Michael Leonard who is such a favorite of the local leadership that they are considering naming a street after him. I just hope it isn’t the one I live on.