THE FIRST HALLOWEEN

(to the tune of The First Noel)

The first Halloween, all the creatures did say
Was to check out the dead folks in graves where they lay.
In graves where they lay eaten by worms,
And fungus and stink bugs and humus and germs.

O’ Halloween, Halloween,
Halloween, Halloween.
Barbequed children make tasty cuisine.

All Hallow’s Eve, all Hallow’s Eve,
All Hallow’s Eve, all Hallow’s Eve.
Snatched from your bedrooms, your mothers will grieve.

The first Halloween was a heck of a thing
When abominations all roamed in a gang.
Wreaking mayhem and ruin all across this great land,
From the coal mines of Kentuck’ to the ol’ Rio Grande.

O’ Halloween, Halloween,
Halloween, Halloween.
There’s torture and murder and all things between.

All Hallow’s Eve, all Hallow’s Eve,
All Hallow’s Eve, all Hallow’s Eve.
All kinds of bad things that you won’t believe.

* * * * *

STEMMY CELLS
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Fleeing through the fen
In a leaky old pirogue
From a genic specimen
With a 60s style Afro.

We made him in a lab
From discarded body parts
And beans and puke and witches’ scabs
And a battery for a heart.

O stemmy cells, stemmy cells, stemmy all the way,
You never know what kind of horror we’ll invent today ~ Hey!
Stemmy cells, stemmy cells, stemmy all the way,
O what fun it is to cast all cautiousness away.

We shocked the thing to life
To see what he would do,
He stabbed us with a knife
And smacked us with his shoe.

Then chased us all outside
Into the black abyss.
Drove half of us to suicide
And half of us to bliss.

O stemmy cells, stemmy cells, stemmy all the way,
We’re all dead now and our guts are turning to decay ~ Hey!
Stemmy cells, stemmy cells, stemmy all the way,
O what fun it is for a mad scientist today.

* * * * *

O’ LITTLE TOWN OF TRANSYLVANIA
(to the tune of O’ Little Town of Bethlehem)

O‘ little town of Transylvania, how clear we see Drac fly.
Above the devil dogs he soars, he seeks to terrify.
Yet in that dark night shineth Drac’s bloody canine teeth,
And all the undead townsfolk who are now all gone beneath.

O’ little town of Transylvania, where ghouls reign supreme,
The peasants flee in helplessness and all the children scream.
Then yonder comes the wolfman with Frankenstein in tow,
You know this won’t end well for you, you’ll be dead soon you know.

* * * * *

AWAY IN A GRAVEYARD
(to the tune of Away in a Manger)

Away in a graveyard, no crypt for the dead,
Corpses could only roam around instead.
The doctor was screaming, the babe bit his throat,
Then crept out the window and suckled a goat.

Away in a graveyard, in a coffin he lay,
He had only just been buried that day.
The thought of eternity burned in his bones,
No time for regrets now, no time to atone.

Away in a graveyard, a graverobber’s there
On business most foul, he wears teeth in his hair.
His shovel is digging, their poor bones he breaks,
And all of their jewelry and gold he then takes.

Away in a graveyard, a grave waits for you,
They’ll dump you into it and bid you adieu.
Soon no one will even remember your name,
As you dance and you twitter alone in the flame.

* * * * *

STABBY NIGHT
(to the tune of Silent Night)

Silent night, murder night,
Vampires suck, werewolves bite.
Round yon corpse with its ribs showing through,
Better watch out, now they’re coming for you.
Run you fool, better run.
Ooh, too late, now you’re done.

Silent night, crawly night,
A beast with12 legs, said bon appétit.
Then bit the head off of some vagabond,
Sucked out the juices until it was done.
Then picked its teeth with the bones,
Picked its teeth with the bones.

Silent night, stabby night,
Severed heads in the moonlight.
Psychos carrying ears in a jar,
To sell or swap at the monster bazaar.
Terrorists lurk past the hill,
Silent and eager to kill.

Greetings, gentle reader. It is I once again, your favorite pundit and crusader, fighting the forces of evil one paragraph at a time. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

You know how somebody’ll be driving along and their car will drift a bit to the right without them realizing it and all of a sudden the right front wheel slips off the pavement and onto the shoulder, so they overreact and yank the steering wheel hard left and the car jumps back onto the road, across their lane, over the yellow line and they plow head-on into oncoming traffic causing a big, fiery 87-car pile up where everybody dies? That’s what’s happening in this country. George Bush is the shoulder of the road and Barack Obama is that overreaction that’s gonna kill everybody.

Speaking of killing, American troops killed the #2 al-Qaida terrorist guy in Iraq this past week in Mosul. Didn’t hear much about that in the news, did you? But the next jerk I hear saying that the war in Iraq has been lost, I’m going to make a voodoo doll in their likeness, sit it in front of a boom box, pop in an old Vanilla Ice or Barry Manilow cassette, turn the volume up and leave it there for six years.

Anyway … a note to terrorists (and to China and Russia and all our other enemies for that matter) ~ lighten up, guys, and just be patient. Give us another generation and you can have America for free. Studies show that watching too much TV rewires the brains of small children into an attention deficit disorder mode. Another study shows that Ritalin stunts a kid’s growth. Throw ACORN and the obesity epidemic into the mix and the next generation will be a bunch of smallish, fat, drugged-out Democrats. Anybody wants to will be able to just waltz in here and conquer the U.S. with nothing but two guys and a sharp stick.

You know, Obama said if he was president he would get Osama. But Osama is a big fan of Obama. Osama wants Obama to be president. So why does Obama want to get Osama? Maybe for a cabinet position?

Do you ever feel estranged from your furniture? Right now me and my bed aren’t really getting along. I haven’t been making it. The bed, I mean. I haven’t been making it. Not going to, neither. Once, I didn’t speak to my coffee table for three weeks, and about two years ago me and my commode had to go into counseling because I just refused to flush it anymore. But this is not something I usually tell people.

Someone said to me this week that if Barack Obama were white, the vast majority of negative comments we hear about him would never have been made. I told them that if Barack Obama were white, McCain would be running against Hillary right now. Beside, I ain’t hearing anything negative being said about Barack Obama. Leastwise, not in the media.

I don’t want to bore you all with my little martial dramas, but me and my wife have been sort bickering all week. One of those silly things that I don’t even remember how it got started. You ever do that? Arguing about something you don’t even remember what it was? Oh, wait ~ I do remember. We were arguing about who put the bop in the bop shoe bop shoe bop. I say it was Mark Twain, she says it was Shakespeare. Foolish, contentious woman.

Look ~ the rest of us may claim to be cat lovers, but in Peru they walk the walk. Last week they celebrated their annual “Gastronomical Festival of the Cat” (known colloquially as the “Massacre of the Moggies”). They pay tribute to the feline by chowing down on cat burgers, fried cat legs and fried cat tails. And probably a lot of beer. But Peruvians claim that eating cats is an aphrodisiac. Which I figured is reason enough to try it. It was a no go. And, honestly, cats taste like pee.

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m a little a’scared of Obama and his wacky friends. Up in Chicago, Louis Farrakhan ~ who has described mighty Barack as the “hope of the entire world” and “the Messiah” ~ has announced that mighty Barack is a “new beginning” for the Nation of Islam. That concerns me. Of course, Farrakhan also said the white race was engineered by a demented black scientist named Yacub 6,800 years ago … and that there’s a flying saucer, which he calls the “Mother Wheel,” or sometimes “Ezekiel’s wheel,” in earth orbit waiting to take black people to paradise. So I try to take Farrakhan with a grain of salt. What? You don’t believe me? Then Google it already. I can’t make this stuff up.

And You know why Obama keeps talking about change, don’t you? Because if he becomes president, that’s all taxpayers will have in their pockets … change.

Public watchdogs groups are now reporting that Joe Biden has funneled more than $2 million from his failed presidential campaign to members of his family. But hey ~ no prob. Unless you watch FoxNews or read this column, you’ll never know about it.

Okay, look … I ain’t too big that I won’t admit to a mistake, okay? That idea I proposed last week that we replace Christmas with a Winter Pancreas Day didn’t meet with a very favorable response. It didn’t test well. In fact, everybody hated the idea, thought it was stupid (except for maybe a couple of junior clerics in Islamabad). Well, okay, fine. How about some of y’all coming up with an idea then. At least I’m trying to be part of the solution. You know, when Barack gets in the White House, we’re gonna have to lose some of these traditional holidays we’ve grown so attached to. We’re also gonna have to be more sensitive to our Muslim brethren. And I don’t know any other culture anywhere, living or dead, that’s ever made a holiday for the pancreas. I think it would totally catch on. But nothing’s good enough for you, fine. It’s a free country. At least it is until January. Then Barack will be running this monkey farm and you’ll be begging for me to come up with some ideas for you. And I won’t even say I told you so.

Yes I will.

And so I quit the po-leece department

And got myself a steady job

And tho’ she tried her best to …

Oh, hello. Have we started the column already? You caught me in the shower. Hold on while I towel off. Don’t peek.

There. All dry.

Okay, I’m know I’m running late this week, but before I get to my column, I’ve got a truly great offer for my homosexual readers. If you’re gay and you and your partner want to be married, I will be performing very reasonably priced same sex marriages now through the first of the year. As long as there’s a same sex couple anywhere within the tri-state area who wants to join hands in holy matrimony, I’m your guy. Price includes champagne and a sandwich. So what if I’m not a licensed minister ~ it’s not legal anyway. Special this week: Half off to any couple who can tell me the name of Congressman Barney Frank’s boyfriend.

Now, on with the show …

Obesity has overtaken smoking as the leading cause of preventable deaths in this country. That’s kind of sad when you think about it. It’s like the end of an era. Smoking’s always been the rock star of preventable deaths. I know it brought a fortune into Tennessee, both in commerce and lawsuits. And now it’s being replaced by eating? Just seems so bogus. Maybe we should consider installing cigarette machines in our schools. Or do like ACORN does and give homeless people cigarettes every time they register as Democrats. I don’t know, I’m just tossing off ideas, but we’ve got to do something to level the playing field.

And anyway, who would have ever thought trans fat would be such a problem? I mean, that’s why God created elastic waistbands. Go with it.

Note to creative writing students: The current obesity epidemic is a good example of irony ~ in Africa, they’re dying because they have no food; in the U.S., we’re dying because we have too much. (I read somewhere that if I make an occasional educational-type aside like this to the students, I can take this column off my taxes.)

And I Quote: “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” ~ Jack Handy

Statistics show that America now has over one million lawyers. Over one million. That means everyone in the world will be involved in some type of litigation before the end of the year.

Another reason I’m beginning to believe we did, in fact, descend from monkeys (aside from this glut of lawyers we got) is the way monkeys throw feces at one another to express their anger. Just check out how people have been behaving during this presidential campaign. Talk about slingin’ the crap around, that’s got to be a throw-back to our monkey ancestors. You think that behavior came from the Garden of Eden? Of course, I also read that throwing dung could also be the way monkeys express affection. When it comes to throwing poop, it’s a pretty thin line between love and hate.

Something I’ve been thinking about for a while now ~ you all know the pancreas is a source of insulin, which, of course, controls the blood sugar. But the pancreas also produces enzymes that break down our food for digestion. That’s one important organ. So what I’ve been thinking is … because of all the controversy about having Christmas be a religious holiday, how about we change December 25 to the Winter Pancreas Day of Celebration. Get rid of all that baby Jesus and Santa Claus stuff and go a whole ‘nother direction with it. I know this is kind of late notice and it’s probably not for everybody, but how about it? Just change Christmas to a Pancreas celebration. Who could be offended by that? Not even the Muslims could be offended by that cause everybody’s got a pancreas, right? If not this year, maybe when Obama becomes president he can make it official for next year.

Ooh, ooh … I’ve got a great put-down for the next time I want to insult somebody ~ “Save your breath, pal … you’ll need it to blow up your date.” Boy, I can’t wait to use that one on somebody.

Did you know that butterflies taste with their feet? Well, they do. Does that make you uncomfortable? Does that challenge your preconceptions about eating and table manners? Then you, my friend, are a butterfly racist.

The basic scale in traditional Chinese music is, “gong-shang-jue-zhi-yu.” It’s the equivalent of “do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti.” Like this ~ Gong, a chime, a great big chime … Shang, a ranga langa lang … Jue, is June without the n … zhi, a cool way of sayin’ hi … yu, a note to follow zhi …

Uh, hold on, we’ll have to get back to that … I’ve just been handed a bulletin. Ladies and gentlemen, I have some breaking news: A tragic fire last night destroyed the presidential library of George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were destroyed. Bush is said to be devastated by the loss as he had not finished coloring in the second one yet. More on this story as it develops. (I have to start including more Bush-bashing humor or there won’t be no media outlets anywhere in the world who will run this column.)

By the way, if you ever need to find your pancreas, it’s located behind and below your stomach in the upper left side of your abdomen. And, while the pancreas is certainly an attractive organ, as far as organs go, it is a bit slimy and, unfortunately, smells like guts.

The definition of “arachibutyrophobia” is, “The fear of having peanut butter stick to the roof of your mouth.” That’s for when you absolutely, positively don’t have anything else left, anywhere in the world, to be afraid of.

Oh, I’ve got another great put down … “Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.” That’s another good one. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. I can’t wait to use that one, either. I’m just dying for somebody to get smart with me because, buddy, I am ready with a come-back.

Only 75 more shopping days til Winter Pancreas.

Okay, here we go … Gong, a chime, a great big chime … Shang, a ranga langa lang … …

by The Texas Trouble Maker

I have been giving some thought to J. Michael’s last article where he mentioned something about his becoming “increasingly caustic and bitter” the closer we get to election day. So I am writing this column to tell my readers and the world that I feel the same way. Only I, who lack JM’s politeness and sophistication, will say what is on my mind in words that are a bit sharper.

For instance — I think Obama is a treacherous piece of socialistic crap and is using the Democratic party to get into the White House. Which he intends to decorate the doorstops with the likes of Louis Farrakhan, Rev. Jeremiah Wright and domestic terrorist William Ayers. He and his supporters ought not be called Democrats anyway; a better name would be Social Pollution Party of Moral Decay.

Yeah, yeah, I know there are some left-leaning tripe who will call me a racist because I am pointing out Obama as being crap. However, I don’t think that has anything to do with race. Crap is crap and trash is trash and I don’t mind saying so.

I am tired of 63 years of Democrats meandering down the road to the hog wallow. I think that skinny Ann Coulter female got it right when she said, “They aim to destroy America from the inside with their relentless attacks on morality and the truth!”

Guess who she was talking about? As a clue, she wasn’t talking about Republicans or the Taliban or al Qaeda or the Chinese commies or the Russian commies or even the North Koreans. Nope, she was talking about Henry Wallace and his liberal views back when Roosevelt was President. Yes! That is how far back the current policies and dreams and political platforms of the Democrats go.

Apparently, the Demoncraps are still at it. What’s it been? Sixty-three years? We sure have to give them credit for being persistent. Then again, maybe we don’t have to. Maybe we should just recognize them for what they are and vote for Sarah, Cindy and that Navy fellow John. And I hope that when they get into office they will appoint Ann Coulter as the head of Homeland Security. Maybe I will even come out of retirement to be the White House Press Secretary.

I suppose I should warn everyone that you can expect me to become increasingly more caustic and bitter the closer we get to election day. I always go a little nuts around now. But don’t worry … right after November 4th, we’ll all be counting down to Christmas and I’ll be jolly and kind once more. Unless, of course, some politically correct tool starts telling me I can’t call it “Christmas” or mention Our Lord. In which case, I will not only continue being caustic and bitter, but will probably become a little beady-eyed, too.

You gotta understand, as a young man I was your typical idealistic liberal hippie. I’m the only person I know ~ and now the only person you know ~ who was actually at Woodstock. I had no choice but to be a Democrat. Just like young idealists today, I was convinced that Republicans were all rich white people. It’s like Winston Churchill said ~ if you’re 20 and you’re not a liberal, you don’t got no heart … and if you’re 40 and you’re not a conservative, you don’t got no brain. You think I’m kidding, but my first presidential election, I voted for McGovern. That wasn’t bad enough, so I voted for Jimmy Carter, too. Twice. But I couldn’t keep plugging all the intellectual and spiritual holes in liberal logic, so at some point during the Reagan years, I became a Republican. I had to. What other choice was there? Independent? Libertarian? Nobody had even invented the Constitution or Green parties yet. You had to be Dem or Repub.

So anyway, election time makes me a little nuts, but I come by it honestly.

And yes, I’m in the tank for Sarahcuda. I think she ate Joe’s lunch and popped the bag. And all this time, Joe Biden and mighty Barack have been going around telling everybody they’re the ticket of change. Okay, but then at the VP debate, Joe says he hasn’t changed in 30 years and wasn’t going to be changing anytime soon. Joe, pick a hand. One thing or the other, my friend. Anyway, thirty years is a long time not to have changed. Didn’t I just tell you I was a Democrat thirty years ago? Joe, I got news for you ~ in thirty years, you’ve changed.

And I Quote: “I certainly wish Governor Palin no harm. I’d just like her to explain to me how she can hold such outrageous views.” ~ Caucasian comedienne Sandra Bernhard, sort’a kind’a apologizing to Sarah for calling her a b-word and saying if she ever came to New York she would be “gang-raped” by Bernhard’s “big black brothers.”

Yeah, see, because vulgar, racist, misogynistic hate speech is not outrageous.

But freakin’ Hollywood, though, man. They’re talking about going on strike again. They just got off strike, now they’re going back on? Hollywood, listen to me, don’t be like Wall Street. You got enough money. And quit churning out crap. We got high def and Blu-ray and theater-size TV screens now. Just stop being a jerk and give us some good movies.

Speaking of actors, Sharon Stone wanted her eight-year-old adopted son to have Botox injections because his feet smelled bad. I don’t know, Sharon, but maybe you could try having the kid change his socks first? Maybe throw his sneakers in the washer? You know, keep the Botox as a sort of last resort kind of thing. What do you recommend for an ear ache ~ open heart surgery? If he gets a runny nose, you going to amputate? (And Sharon replies, “Just keeping it green, little people. Vote Obama!”)

You may remember Sharon Stone from the 2001 incident in which she treated her husband, Phil Bronstein, to a private tour of the Los Angeles zoo for Father’s Day. As a special treat, she arranged for Bronstein to share the enclosure of a 10-foot Komodo Dragon so he could pet it. Of course, as soon as Bronstein was in the pen, the Komodo Dragon tried to eat him. They had to reattach his foot. I mean, that was a really nice Father’s Day gift, but maybe next time just buy him a tie? And as a rule of thumb, don’t try to get cuddly with something that’s a dragon. Okay? Kittens, bunny rabbits, most breeds of dog … okay. Dinosaurs … not recommended.

And I Quote: “Michael Savage was right – Liberalism is a Mental Disorder. These people are certifiably insane. Rational, sober, productive humanity cannot coexist with them. The time is approaching [rapidly] when we will have to part ways.” ~ Posted at newsreview.com, 10/02/2008 7:29AM by l00rk3r

Where are all the fine young savages anyhow? By the way, Missouri ~ I now pronounce you Brave New World. Go take your O-soma.

This is weird. O. J. Simpson took the fall this week, but check it out. He was found guilty exactly 13 years to the day from when he was acquitted of murder. His trial lasted 13 days and the jury deliberated for 13 hours. When I heard the news, I was standing on the sidewalk with 13 other people watching it on a TV in a shop on 13th Street. The guy next to me sneezed 13 times. I suddenly realized I was in my 13th week of sobriety and I had 13 bucks in my pocket, so I immediately went to the track and put the 13 bucks on a mudder named Lucky 13 to win. He came in 13th. Bada-BING!

And yes, I guess the Juice was my accomplice in the theft and mutilation of that old joke.

A guy in Ft. Myers, Florida shot himself in the arm because his girlfriend didn’t want to get intimate with him after a night of drinking. Guy nagged her until she went to the spare bedroom to get away from him. So he shot himself in the arm, staggered into the kitchen and “knocked himself unconscious.” But I’ll bet’cha he gets some now … cause nothing says romance like a whiny, drunken fool shooting off guns in the house.

That bunch of intellectual pointy heads over in Europe who award Pulitzer prizes in literature aren’t even going to consider anything from America cause they say we’re too insular and ignorant to be considered serious writers. Okay, I can understand if they’re talking about Joyce Carol what’s-her-name or Phil Roth or some of them other lightweights ~ but they have obviously never read nothing I’ve wrote. And don’t be selling insular and ignorant short, my limey intellectual peers. It’s what’s made this country great.