This financial meltdown we’re having ain’t so bad. You know, with my car payment, the mortgage, utilities, gasoline, food and comic books, I was seriously going under financially. So I just declared as a bank and got me a bailout check in the mail yesterday from the federal government for three million dollars. Five would have been better, but three will cover me through the holidays, and I’ll go back for some more first of the year. You can do the same thing. Government’s got plenty of money and it’s just sitting there doing nothing.

Look … I got to get this off my chest. Did you know that when you order buffalo wings, they give you chicken wings? Evidently, buffalo don’t have wings. They have four feet and horns and don’t fly. Buffalo wing is a misnomer. It’s like calling interstitial cystitis an overactive bladder. Sure, with interstitial cystitis you run back and forth to the bathroom all the time to empty a nearly empty bladder, and you got the burning and the discomfort and the pain. But you also got the pelvic floor dysfunction and tension, and of course problems of a more delicate nature. So don’t be trying to sell me a wing off some freakin chicken and say it come off a buffalo. Don’t be doing that. And don’t be saying ideal when you really mean idea.

See … I shouldn’t have to be telling you these things. You should already know them. This is starting to get under my skin, guys … we’re going to have to find some common ground here if I’m going to keep writing this column. You got to meet me halfway with this. As a reader, you have responsibilities, too. You have the responsibility of reading the column; just as I, as a writer, have the responsibility of writing it. Neither one of us is particularly happy with the situation, but it’s the nature of things when one is writing reading material. And while I’m on the subject, I have to insist that you read each word individually. No scanning. Do not scan my column. Read it word for word, just as it was written.

That was nice. I feel closer to you now.

For water, astronauts aboard the International Space Lab are drinking recycled pee. That’s one of the reasons I’ll never be an astronaut. Other reasons include, I don’t like to fly, I am scared of outer space, I am way too old and fat, and I don’t want to be an astronaut.

Did you know it’s against the law in Tennessee to drive when you’re asleep? I kid you not. It is also against the law in Tennessee to throw bottles at a tree. Curse you George Bush for taking away the liberty of Tenneseans!

But I make light of a serious topic. It is not just Tennessee … George Bush is the cause of the whole world’s suffering. Everything that’s wrong with mankind can be traced directly back to Bush. Well I say, curse you George Bush! May your name be erased from the annuls of history and every vestige of your person be null and voided by God and may it be as though you had never been born! Except that everyone would still somehow know that your name was erased and your vestige voided. Otherwise, where’s the justice? Am I right? We’ve got to know you suffered, George Bush. You owe us that much.

Hey, don’t tell me people ain’t reading my column. You remember back when I said instead of locking criminals up, judges should make them listen to Barry Manilow? Well, now a judge in Ft. Lupton, Colorado has started doing just that. He’s sentencing noise violators to listen to Barry Manilow. I’m glad to know I’m making a difference. The judge also includes Barney the Dinosaur. I like that. Next maybe add some Pat Boone. At least until Obama outlaws torture.

And I Quote: “Have you heard that Obama may have a Polish connection? His grandfather ate a Polish missionary.” ~ Poland’s foreign minister Radek Sikorski, making a Polish joke

Aww … Radek was just kiddin. He loves Obama. Everybody loves Obama. Obama passes wind and journalists swoon like big-haired women at a Benny Hinn crusade. What’s not to love about our thin-skinned, floppy eared president-elect? He’s, like, the perfect guy.

Speaking of Obama, I have been working on my Bill O’Reilly impersonation. Check this out (I said, getting into character) … “Obama, while you are presidenting our country, don’t be a mountebank. Don’t do that. No mountebankism from you, sir. Play it straight with the American people because nobody likes a mountebank.” Thank you. Thank you vera much.

Whatever happened with that legislation out in Colorado they wanted to pass that would have elevated dogs and cats from the status of “pets” to the status of “companions”? I like that. Of course, it would still be illegal to marry a pet unless you live in San Francisco. But I like the idea of moving animals up the societal ladder. And don’t stop there. A physicist in Oregon claims trees communicate with one another through telepathy. Trees should move on up the ladder, too. Let’s all move another notch up the ladder.Of course, if we all move up the ladder, we’ll be right back where we were, but one rung higher.

In addition to the telepathic trees, other scientific studies show that rocks are sarcastic, the ocean never finished high school, and peat bogs almost always vote Libertarian.

Welcome to another exciting episode of “Out Of My Mind” ~ the column that’s not afraid to ask the question, “Huh? What’d you say?”

A woman in Attleboro, Massachusetts is facing a $50 penalty and maybe a lien on her property because she owes the utility company a penny. Woman got late charges and lien threats cause she owes a penny. Maybe the woman’s so poor it was either pay that penny or buy food, I don’t know. I’ve never been much of a philanthropist because, well, I don’t have no money. But in this case, even I could afford to step up to the plate in a moment of benevolence and pay that woman’s one cent debt. On the other hand, maybe I should hang on to my penny. Never know when I’ll need it.

Bad news for teenagers ~ a new study shows that acne is, indeed, the end of the world.

Al-Qaida’s #2 guy, Ayman al-Zawahri, insulted Barack Obama this week by calling him a “house Negro.” Ayman, Ayman, Ayman … at least he’s got a house. Dude, you live in a cave. Get some perspective.

Speaking of mighty Barack, looks like he’s courting Hillary for secretary of state. Why would he want that monkey back on his back? Even Bob Woodward wants to know what he’s smoking. But if I was Obama, I would have done the same thing and I’ll tell you why. The secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president. I would bring her on just to get her out of the Senate. Give her and Bubba a couple months to settle in, then I’d fire her. Buh-bye, Hill. Buh-bye, Bubba. Rid the world of the Clinton plague. If I was Obama.

Course if I was Obama, I would be America’s first black president and you can bet I wouldn’t be banging out crap like “Out Of My Mind” no more.

No, you know what? If I was Obama I’d be one of them angry brothers white people are afraid of. I’d be in the Panthers. I wouldn’t be studyin’ no white house.

You don’t like it when I get political, huh? It’s off-putting, huh? Shouldn’t talk about politics. It wouldn’t be so bad, but I lean right and I know that drives people nuts. I would promise to do better in the future but you wouldn’t believe me and I’d be lying anyway. How about we let the late, great William F. Buckley settle it … he once said, “I’d rather be governed by the first 2,000 names in the Boston phone book than by the dons of Harvard.”

Scientists now say pig organs will be routinely transplanted into humans within the next few years. It seemed the next logical step, after all. I mean, you look at family buffets, we’re already eating from toughs. And you don’t have to drive too far to see people living in sties. And the rest of us are clutching forks and knives to eat ~ our ~ bay’CON …

Of course, within 20 years, between the organs, the food products and the footballs, there won’t be a pig left anywhere on the planet. (Yeah, I know footballs ain’t really made out of pigskin. It’s called license. Just go with it, okay? Y’all wear me out.)

Friends, are you green with envy? Red with rage? Are you yellow? Then you may be suffering from a colorful personality.

You know, as you get older, your cells divide. When that happens, those tiny protective caps at the end of your chromosomes start wearing out. Those caps are what keeps your individual chromosome strands from fraying and unraveling. So then, the doctor’ll say you need more of that protein telomerase to help maintain your chromosome caps. So now you got to add telomerase to that list of other stuff you got to take more of to keep some part of your body from unraveling, fraying or otherwise falling apart. So there. There’s you something else to worry about that can go wrong in an instant as you zoom past your sixtieth birthday and hurdle madly into old age.

No, really. A good parlor game for old people is coming up with all the ways you could die that would not be surprising, suspect or unusual. You can die of pretty much anything when you pass sixty. I mean, you get a chromosome unraveling on you, it’s gonna be followed by another, then another. You ever seen anybody’s had their chromosomes unravel? It ain’t pretty. An old cell suddenly divides, chrom cap blows ~ pow! ~ it’s like something bad happened in a noodle factory, one of them things comes undone.

Let me close with a humorous personal story. I mean no disrespect to the friends and family of Stanley Kubrick, but I was secretly glad when he died and I’ll tell you why. As you know, I attend a lot of highfalutin Hollywood-type parties with the rich and famous, and I was always getting Stanley Kubrick and Salman Rushdie confused. They’re like twins to me, I can’t tell them apart. I’d be at a party thinking I’m talking to Stanley Kubrick when I’d really be talking to Salman Rushdie. Or I’d be thinking I’m talking to Salman Rushdie when I’d really be talking to Stanley Kubrick. It created many awkward moments, as you can imagine. So when I heard that Stanley Kubrick died, I was glad because I thought I wouldn’t have that problem anymore. Then, a couple weeks ago, I was at another one of those red-carpet celebrity parties when I ran into Stanley Kubrick … or was it Salman Rushdie? All of a sudden I couldn’t remember which one was dead. Oy. And the holidays coming up.

Welcome to another edition of “Out Of My Mind” … the column that routinely helps little old ladies across the street, whether they want to go or not.

Scientists report they have found a rock that can soak up carbon dioxide, reduce greenhouse gas and help slow global warming. That is one impressive rock. But not as impressive as the stick scientists found that can regrow human limbs. Or the sandwich they found that can speak twelve languages. Or the Indian head nickel that proves the existence of God.

In Manhattan, they got a hamburger costs $175. It’s a Kobe burger with black truffles, seared foie gras, aged Gruyere cheese, wild mushrooms and flecks of gold on a brioche bun. For an extra 35 cents, you can supersize it.

NASA says that in the near future, astronauts aboard the International Space Station will use purified urine as drinking water. The system’s lead engineer said NASA has done taste tests on the urinated water and nobody had any, quote-unquote, “strong objections, other than a faint taste of iodine.” No strong objections? Tastes like iodine? NASA, where’s the Tang? This is too much information. As Marie Antoinette might say, “Let them drink beer.”

But hey ~ that NASA story ties into another story that came out this week about a politician in New Jersey who was enjoying a rock concert so much from his balcony seat, he decided to urinate on the concert goers below. No one seemed to be too upset, though, about a politician peeing on them. One concert goer even commented, “Actually, it was a welcome change.”

Let me ask you, is anybody curious where that big $700 billion government bailout is going? Well, Goldman Sachs is using $6.8 billion of it as bonuses to the CEOs who drove the corporation into the ground. Another financial giant, Morgan Stanley, is using $6.4 billion for bonuses as well. That’s where at least $13.2 billion of the bailout money is going. Hey, but if you think that’s over the top, the Federal Reserve said they ain’t even going to tell us who’s getting two trillion dollars in emergency loans they’re spreading around. Money like that goes straight from Washington into a vacuum and it is gone. I’m still trying to figure out how we pumped three billion into New Orleans after Katrina and people are still living in shacks, drawing welfare. All the people drawing down there, I thought it was an artist colony.

And now, boys and girls, it’s time for the “And I Quote” multiple-choice quiz: Here’s the quote, spoken by Barack Obama this week: “Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.” Was Barack talking about, (A). Drinking from a hose during his last visit to Kenya? (B). Accepting some hand sanitizer after shaking hands with George Bush? or, (C). His balcony experience at a New Jersey rock concert?

Mighty Barack. He’s been traveling the nation since the election. Says he wants to visit every state in the country before he takes office. He’s visited 57 states so far, which leaves two to go.

That so-called “pregnant man,” Thomas Beatie? He’s pregnant again and I’m tired already. ABC News is calling it an “Exclusive!” with the “Exclusive!” Barbara Walters interview to go along with it. People, this is not a freakin pregnant man. It’s a pregnant woman. The media drove me nuts with this stuff the first time this woman who’s calling herself a man got pregnant. She’s not a man, she’s a woman with all her female parts. What on earth is wrong with people? Woman calls herself a man, gets pregnant and ABC News is on it like the Enquirer during their Bat Child heyday. You can call yourself anything you want, it don’t make you that thing. What? It does make you that thing? Really? Then I’m a godlike being from Alpha Centauri who shoots electricity from his eyes and lives in a cheeseburger.

Of course, what else can you expect from ABC News? They describe domestic terrorist William Ayers as “a distinguished professor of education.” Too bad the Symbionese Liberation Army gang died in that big shoot-out with police back in ’74. They could have probably gained respectability in the field of education, too. Or journalism.

And I Quote: “Guilty as hell, free as a bird. I love this country.” ~ William Ayers, gloating after he got off on a technicality for bombing a police department, the Capitol building and the Pentagon … good times, good times

Anybody know what ever became of Steven Weed?

Speaking of educators, the learned professors at Oxford University have complied a top ten list of the most irritating phrases in the English language. They are, 1). At the end of the day, 2). Fairly unique, 3). I personally, 4). At this moment in time, 5). With all due respect, 6). Absolutely, 7). It’s a nightmare, 8). Shouldn’t of, 9). 24/7, and 10). It’s not rocket science.

Well, at the end of the day, everyone is entitled to an opinion. And Oxford’s list of irritating phrases is fairly unique. But I personally, at least at this moment in time and with all due respect to the learned professors, think it’s a bunch of academic folderol. Absolutely. In fact, it’s a nightmare and they shouldn’t of done it. That’s all we hear anymore, 24/7, is what we’re supposed to think and say. Oxford should leave people alone and let them speak in clichés if they want to. It’s not rocket science.

Congratulations are in order for Team Obama. They pulled it off, didn’t they? Raised record amounts of money. Steamrolled the mighty Clintons, steamrolled McCain. They’re naming mountains for him down in Antigua and Barbuda, wherever that is, calling him Excellency. He’s the center of the universe right now and you got to give him props for doing that, a black guy in the White House, the first one. That’s history. Don’t underestimate President Bam. He’s goood. It didn’t even surprise me when I received a personal letter from him in the mail the day after the election. Here, let me read it to you …

“Dear J. Michael,

“Yes, I know you by name. I know the name of every American, for I am Obama. I also know you didn’t vote for me. But I am going to let it pass this time, along with the other 55 million people who didn’t vote for me. And I know their names, too. Normally I frown on people not agreeing with me, but in the spirit of Obamanation, I’m cutting you some slack.

“I am sure you will enjoy my presidency and you will come to like Michelle and the girls even more than I do. If you are contacted by a member of my newly formed civilian national security force, lay down on the ground with your hands behind your head. You will know my civilian national security force by their distinctive black leather outfits, billy clubs and tasers. I gave them your name.

“Anyway, J.M., I just wanted to drop you a line and personally welcome you to the Change Train and tell you, ‘All aboard!’

“As your President-Elect I remain humbly yours,

“(signed) Mighty Barack Obama

“P.S. And you definitely need to tone down your column. Nobody thinks it’s funny anymore, J. bird. It’s partisan and racist. You used to be relevant, but you’ve lost your mojo. Tighten up.”

Wow, huh? Personal letter from Obama. Welcome to the Change Train, huh? Hey, conductor, stamp my ticket and pour me a big glass of Kool Aid cause I’m powerful thirsty and I need a ride.

I don’t know, maybe Obama is right. Maybe I have lost my mojo. I used to be a halfway clever guy, didn’t I? Now look at me. Still clinging to the Republicans, still hoping George Bush is gonna come through. I guess I keep hoping Bush will do something spectacular at the last minute to show us there is some method to his madness. Like maybe he’ll go on TV and explain that his whole time in office was a hoax because the world had been invaded by an armada of vicious war monsters from outer space who wanted to take over the Earth and enslave the humans. And the only way Bush could defeat them was to pretend to be a slow-witted Texan and the last eight years were part of a big, top-secret security offensive, and through cunning and aplomb, George Bush was able to trick the space invaders and successfully defeat them before they could do any harm. Then he used their advanced technology to create a new science that makes it possible for every American to be young and rich and attractive and be able to fly. And that’s the reason his presidency many have seemed a bit skewed ~ he was saving the world from space invaders. I don’t even know what I’m talking about.

Okay, I got to think of something, some topic of discussion that won’t get me in dutch with the prez. Nothing offensive, nothing political. Let’s see … what do I like?

Well, I like cheese. I often write of cheeseburgers in this column. You may have read me doing that. So yeah, I like cheese. In fact, I love cheese. Cheese makes everything taste good. You could melt cheese on a turd and it would taste like a grill cheese sandwich. I like it on biscuits, pizza, eggs, jello. I love all the different types of cheese, the different shades, the one with the holes. I even love saying the word … cheeeeese. Someone says I’m cheesy, I don’t take offense. I’d wear cheese as clothing if a designer would make a comfortable pair of pants out of it. I hate everything about Wisconsin ~ the Packers, the weather, the people ~ but every day of my life since I was a kid, I’ve wished I was from there just so I could be a cheesehead. If I was a mouse, put a little cheese on a mousetrap and you’d nail me every single time. You know what I like? Those products that advertise “Cheesier Cheese!” or say they’re the “Cheesiest!” What a wonderful concept ~ you have cheese, you put some more cheese in with it, all of a sudden it’s “cheesier cheese!” And if you keep adding more and more cheese until it’s so cheesy that it’s not scientifically possible to add another single cheese molecule, it becomes the “cheesiest!”

What am I doing? I’m prattling about cheese. I am going on and on about cheese. I’m trying to be innocuous, not be political, but I can’t do it. Look … I’ve got to say this. It’s got to be said. I already told you I’m on board the O Train. I got my mind right. I’m wearing my “In Obama We Trust” t-shirt. I got me one of them offertory candles with the picture of Obama in robes and a halo. I’m setting aside money for the less fortunate, above and beyond whatever he’s gonna take and I ain’t complaining. I’m down with it. But I got to say this: The media is telling us we should get behind “our president” … whether we were for him or not, we should “pray for our president” … we should “respect the office of the presidency” … even if we didn’t support Obama in the election, we should support him now. May I add an amen to that? But what I’m saying … all of a sudden they’re talking about all the respect due the office of president and the person who holds that title, when there’s not been a single day gone by since the 2000 election that the media hasn’t vilified, ridiculed, lied about, maligned and libeled President George Bush. Now they’re all of a sudden conciliatory. It’s easy to be magnanimous in victory, huh? But I’ll tell you this …

… uh, hold on a sec, I’m getting a phone call. Hello? … Who? … Oh my word, hello, sir. Congratulations, I got your letter … What? … Oh uh, no sir, I’m not busy, let me just get rid of this other call …

Hey look, I gotta take this. It’s O-freakin-bama. I don’t think I’m supposed to mention Orgjay Ushbay in my column anymore. I guess his civilian national security force has been monitoring my computer. Okay, gotta go. I may or may not see you back here next time.

… I’m sorry, sir, I’m back … What, you thought I was serious with that? Naw, naw, that was joking. That was just joking. Some of that wacky Out Of My Mind humor … Yes, sir. Just getting jiggy with it, trying to get that mojo back …

and so on and so on and scooby dooby doo-bee, oh sha sha, we got to live together.

I‘m posting this column several days before the election. A lot of people think Mighty Barack’s gonna win this one. He’s already putting together his transition team and the triad of tripe ~ Pelosi, Reid and Bawny Fwank ~ have been gloating and planning the celebration party for weeks. Sort of a study in hubris. But contrary to spin, this thing’s never been a lock. It’s been close the whole way and I’ve been mulling over the possibility of McCain winning the popular vote and Obama taking the electorate. That’s what happened in 2000 with Bush and Gore. Remember that? Remember the bogus cries of, “Bush stole the election!” Sure you do because the media is still carping about stolen elections. But you can’t blame them for not knowing how government works ~ most of them were educated in public schools. And those that weren’t were probably educated somewhere even worse … like Harvard.

What? Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, that was a slam at our educational system. You picked up on that, huh? Schools ain’t teaching how government works anymore. You know, most people don’t even know they live in a Republic. They think they live in a Democracy. And after decades of being educated by a partisan public school bureaucracy, maybe you can understand why. See, back in 2000, Bush won fair and square under the laws of this very cool little Republic in which we live … and if it plays out that way this time with Obama winning the electorate, he will have won it fair and square under those same laws.

So, anyway … what I’m sayin’ is, use some sense about yourself. Unless your mother raised a fool, don’t insult her by acting like one.

And I ain’t saying this whole ACORN fiasco has gotten out of hand, but in Chicago they actually have a dead goldfish named Princess on the rolls. Not sure who Princess is supporting in the presidential race, but I’m pretty sure it ain’t McCain.

An American company has developed a new supersonic jet plane called the Aerion that makes the Concorde look like Wilbur and Orville at Kitty Hawk. It is so fast, a round trip ticket will actually get you back to where you started two weeks before you left. Which leaves you plenty of time to cancel your flight and get a refund on your ticket. Win-win, all aboard.

First, the kids at Parkway West Middle School in Chesterfield, Illinois celebrated “Spirit Week.” That was so much fun, they decided to have a “Hug a Friend Day.” That worked out so well, they came up with “High Five Day.” That went without a hitch, so they held a “Hit a Tall Person Day.” Hitting was good, so they decided to have a “Hit a Jew Day.” At which point the school district finally stepped in with an “Expel an Idiot From School Day.”

Hit a Jew Day? I didn’t think middle schoolers even knew what a Jew was anymore. Maybe public education is working.

The word is out … the famed Mona Lisa is deteriorating. The world famous painting of the alluringly bemused woman with the mysterious smile is something like 500 years old now and she’s starting to show her age. Hey ~ who’s laughing now, Mona? Huh? Who’s laughing now?

Why am cracking on Mona all of a sudden? She ain’t never done nothing to me. I don’t even know the woman. I don’t know what gets into me.

London City Airport had to be evacuated recently and all flights grounded because of a terrible stink coming from the restroom. Yeah, we’ve all been there, haven’t we?

In an attempt to be fair, Saturday Night Live has scheduled a comedy bit for next week’s show that features a look-alike from the cast ridiculing and belittling Michelle Obama. Naw, I’m just messin’ with you. We all know that ain’t gonna happen.

And I Quote: “(Republicans) can go f – - k themselves.” ~ Rahm Emanuel, Barack Obama’s top choice to be his chief of staff

According to a United Nations investigator on human rights, North Korea has begun shutting down cell phone service and long distance calls within the country to prevent the news of a critical food shortage from spreading. Barack Obama is said to be closely watching the situation because it’s such a great way of controlling information and stifling dissent, he might want to implement similar polices here after he becomes president.

Meanwhile, Venezuelan tyrant Hugo Chavez wants to jail his main political rival, saying “I am determined to put Manuel Rosales behind bars. A swine like that has to be in prison.” Barack Obama is said to be closely watching the situation because it’s such a great way of controlling information and stifling dissent, he might want to implement similar polices here after he becomes president.

Is there an echo in here?

And I Quote: “If am sittin’ pretty, and you’ve got a waitress who is making minimum wage plus tips, and I can afford it and she can’t, what’s the big deal for me to say I’m going to pay a little bit more? That is neighborliness.” ~ Barack Obama

It’s neighborliness, Barack, if you choose to help her out. If you force the rest of us to help her out when we don’t want to, it’s called getting in our face.

And which is worse ~ that Obama won’t release his birth certificate, or that Joe Biden won’t release his brain scan? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Lastly, Joe Biden said, rather ominously, that mighty Barack will be “tested” by the world within the first six weeks of his presidency. But don’t worry, it’ll be a standardized test and graded on a curve. Even a public school kid could pass it.