Boy, I was looking back over some of my columns and I got to say … that one I did a couple weeks ago, “The Dozen 24?Hour Periods of Yuletide”? You know, where I rewrote the “The12 Days of Christmas” in synonyms? Holy mother of mercy, I was all over the place with that thing. It was complicated enough to write, but getting it on the paper, oy. There were a lot of mistakes. Anyway, I think I’ve fixed it now, if you want to go back and read it the way it’s supposed to be. It ain’t easy doing this column anymore, what with the economic downturn and all. I had to close my offices downtown, lay off my staff and move the operations back home to my mom’s basement. I apologize to all my employees because they lost their pensions, but it wasn’t my fault … I just mismanaged the company. It could happen to anyone who lacks business acumen and good sense. Thank goodness I still got my golden parachute, though, so I should be okay. Well, actually, it’s not so much a golden parachute as it is a yellow umbrella. But at least it keeps me dry. Unless it’s raining, of course, then I get soaked to the bone because it’s made of woven wire screen mesh. Odd, isn’t it? Anyway, if you see a typo in my column it’s because I’m doing my own proofreading now and I ain’t really qualified to proofread. I ain’t even qualified to write but there’s nobody here to stop me. I’m sorry, what was the question?

I got only one thing to say to Caroline Kennedy … Caroline, you need to ask not what your country can do for you, but … I forget how the rest of that goes.

I waxed nostalgic last week when I read that a Russian warship had passed through the Panama Canal for the first time since the Second World War. Going to play some war games with Chavez’s navy out in the scenic Caribbean. Thank you, Jimmy Carter. You truly are a peanut.

And I Quote: “Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.” ~ Mark Twain

Talk about moxie … a woman up in Windsor, Ontario spent her Christmas Eve giving birth to premature twin babies outside in a snowbank, alone, during a driving mix of snow and rain with temperatures near freezing. Do you hear me? I said the woman was outside in freezing temperatures, all by herself, rain and snow, and she delivers not one but two babies ~ two premature babies ~ on Christmas eve! The only thing that could make that story more harrowing and dramatic would be if she was under fire from al?Qaeda and a freakin asteroid was about to hit the earth.

In keeping with Australia’s venerable tradition of populating their country with rogues, criminals and rejects, the prime minister is considering allowing the Guantanamo Bay terrorists to make their home Down Under once they’re released from prison. Well, good onya, mate. I know that move will never backfire. Meanwhile, throw another goat head on the barbie.

Bumper Sticker of the Week: “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather ~ not yelling and screaming, like the passengers in his car.”

When I was a kid, if I didn’t eat all my supper, my mother would try to guilt me by telling me about all the starving children in China. That was her thing. The children in China were starving, so I should eat my supper. You know, I often think about them ~ those starving Chinese children. They’d all be adults now, of course, and I can’t help wondering if they made it. I’d like to go to China someday, maybe look them up, see how they’re doing. Maybe take them some supper, apologize to them or something, I don’t know. Because you see, those many attempts by my mother to guilt me were successful and endureth even unto this day.

Some emergency management personnel are now questioning the effectiveness of mouth?to?mouth resuscitation. Especially in cases of paper cuts, hiccups and tennis elbow.

Mad cows? Of course they’re mad. On their feet all day waiting to be slaughtered. That would grate on anybody’s nerves. But you don’t hear so much about it anymore. Couple years ago, everybody was freaking out over the mad cow. Now, it’s not such a big deal. Maybe they cured it. But I actually like a little mad cow in my burger. Not a lot, mind you. Enough to add that tangy flavor of madness, but not enough to kill me or make me insane or anything. I like cheese on it, too.

Back then: “I don’t agree with what you say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” Now: “I don’t agree with what you say, and it makes me despise you for holding an opinion different than mine, you’re too stupid to live, and if I could get away with it I would kill you, cut your body into pieces, burn the pieces and then kill your dog.”

In closing, I would like to share this famous quote by Sir Alex Fraser Tytler on why a democracy can’t last: “A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover they can vote themselves largess from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by dictatorship.”

By “largess,” Sir Tytler means “entitlements.” Or, as we call them today, “bailouts.” Wise beyond his years, that Sir Alex Fraser Tytler, huh?

I don’t like it when a retail store won’t say “Merry Christmas,” so I’m taking a stand. Any retail outlet that don’t want to wish the American shopper a Merry Christmas, they don’t get my business. Also, any retail outlet that don’t offer me a latte and a donut at the door, they don’t get my business neither. And a foot rub. I want a foot rub, too. By a pretty girl, not one of them old greeter women. And a slice of pie. And some hard candy and a pair of warm socks. Are you listening, Wal Mart? Don’t try me on this. As goes J. Michael, so goes the country.

It’s a Festivus miracle: After years of yellow journalism, libel and plagiarism, the Bradley Weekly folded. True to their whinny nature, they went out, not with a bang, but with a whimper. It took a while, but the Saints of the Week finally shut out the Creeps.

Okay … Christmastime, 2008 … we’re in recession, people are out of work, losing their homes, the economy’s going down in flames, government’s turning Socialist, population’s fragmented into ideologies that hate each other with a psychopathic zeal … and what does Congress do to help? Well, in between criticizing greedy CEOs, obscene profits, oil companies and each other, they gave themselves a big, fat $2.5 million pay raise. Merry Christmas, America ~ Washington style.

And I Quote: “I did not have sex with that woman, Hillary Rodam.” ~ Bill Clinton (kidding, just kidding, I kid Bubba)

Scientists now believe there is ice nestled away in the Moon’s polar craters which could be a source of water for future lunar bases. They also discovered a big patch of broccoli growing in a crater on the equator which they wanted to use as a source of food, but none of the astronauts will eat broccoli.

Da Vinci Code geeks are all a’buzz because three previously unknown sketches have been discovered on the back of a Leonardo da Vinci painting. They claim the sketches are prophetic. Maybe they are. One is a sketch of Dan Brown, one depicts Sarah Palin skinning a moose, and the third is some guy throwing his shoes at Ludovico il Moro. I say, some guy throwing his shoes at Ludovico il Moro. Hello? Is this thing on? ~ tap! tap! ~ Can you hear me in the back?

Anyway, so what if Leonardo da Vinci was a scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician and writer ~ what’s he done lately?

In a related story, three previously unknown sketches were also discovered on the back of a Leonardo di Caprio day planner. But they just turned out to be an incomprehensible treatment for a screenplay he’s working on.

Can you believe Hollywood’s talking about going out on strike again? Those freakin Hollywood people are more obnoxious than a Chicago politician. So go already, Hollywood. Go have your strike. Enjoy. Who cares? You suck. Your movies suck. I’m sick of listening to you pontificate and whine, bunch of pretty boys, plastic girls and airhead intellectuals. So go already. What do I care? A pox on you. When have you entertained me? Who can remember when you’ve entertained me?

There. I’m all done. You know, ranting about Hollywood is oddly therapeutic. It’s like a relaxing BM.

Burger King has come up with a new men’s body spray called “Flame.” The ads describe it as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” In other words, it smells like meat. That’s okay, I guess, if you want every dog in the state trying to eat the seat out of your britches. But if you really want to attract females, you should wear a body wash that smells like the Hallmark Channel. Or feta quiche. Or a back rub. Flame sells for $3.99. Or you can stay with Aqua Vela and use the 3.99 to buy a cheese Whopper and some fries.

A court in Dunlap, Tennessee don’t want to let a “Mr. Przybysz” out of jail for a child sexual battery case because they don’t think he has the potential for rehabilitation and isn’t remorseful for his crime. But you know, I’m not sure, but if they could trick Mr. Przybysz into saying his name backwards, I think he would be banished back to the fifth dimension for at least 90 days. (yes, that gag has a very narrow audience)

And I Quote: “She doesn’t need holidays, food or rest and she will work almost 24-hours a day. She is the perfect woman.” ~ former boy genius Le Trung, now 33 years old and heaping praise on the female robot companion he invented named Aiko

You know, instead of getting geek poisoning from just typing that story, I find myself instead kinda wanting an Aiko, too.

And I Quote: “You are responsible for the death of thousands of Iraqis.” ~ Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President George Bush during a press conference

Uh … Muntazer? Remember Saddam and his two little angels Uday and Qusay? If you’d thrown a shoe at one of them you never would have left that press conference alive. All you did was prove that the low standards of modern journalism ain’t just confined to the States.

Something like two million Muslims finished up their haj pilgrimage rituals last week by going over to the Grand Mosque in Mecca and throwing rocks at some pillars that represent the devil. Three days they’re out there throwing rocks at the devil. I kind of like that. Christians ought to enact a good stone-the-devil tradition like that. Yeah. Bust that sucker upside the head with a sharp-edge rock a couple hundred times, praise Jeesus, ka-POW! ka-POW! Then take up an offering and all go to Cracker Barrel.

And remember, Virginia … Jesus is the reason for the season.

Or as Professor Erwin Synonym might say, “And recall, Virginia … the Nazarene is the rationality for the time of year.”

Atop the foremost 24-hour period of Yuletide

My factual paramour conferred upon me:
A European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop a duo 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
Deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the one-of-three-equal-parts 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
One-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the one-quarter 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
One-more-than-three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the quintet 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
Quintuple — gilded — tinkles …
One more than three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the half-dozen 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
Three-plus-three water birds a’precipitating, quintuple — gilded — tinkles …
One-more-than-three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the craps 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
Heptad stately aquatic birds a’sculling, three-plus-three water birds a’precipitating, quintuple — gilded — tinkles …
One-more-than-three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the octet 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
Four-plus-four wenches a’lactating, heptad stately aquatic birds a’sculling, three-plus-three water birds a’precipitating, quintuple — gilded — tinkles …
One-more-than-three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the ninefold 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
Three-times-three genteel females cavorting, four-plus-four wenches a’lactating, heptad stately aquatic birds a’sculling, three-plus-three water birds a’precipitating, quintuple — gilded — tinkles …
One-more-than-three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the decade 24 hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
Two-to-the-left-of-the-decimal-point potentates a’hopping, three-times-three genteel females cavorting, four-plus-four wenches a’lactating, heptad stately aquatic birds a’sculling, three-plus-three water birds a’precipitating, quintuple — gilded — tinkles …
One-more-than-three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the twenty-two-minus-eleven 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
One-one aqueducts warbling, two-to-the-left-of-the-decimal-point potentates a’hopping, three-times-three genteel females cavorting, four-plus-four wenches a’lactating, heptad stately aquatic birds a’sculling, three-plus-three water birds a’precipitating, quintuple — gilded — tinkles …
One-more-than-three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

Atop the boxcars 24-hour period of Yuletide
My factual paramour conferred upon me:
A baker’s dozen-minus-one knockers pulsating, one-one aqueducts warbling, two-to-the-left-of-the-decimal-point potentates a’hopping, three-times-three genteel females cavorting, four-plus-four wenches a’lactating, heptad stately aquatic birds a’sculling, three-plus-three water birds a’precipitating, quintuple — gilded — tinkles …
One-more-than-three vocation shuttlecocks, one-more-than-two Parisian female domestic fowls, deuce shelled reptile pigeons, and a European game bird in a pithy fruit perennial plant.

by The Ghost of Yule Past

How can anybody not like Christmas? The decorations, the colored lights, the gifts, the wreaths with the red bows and bells, being off work, food, friends, family… and little Jesus lying there amongst the ignoble manger trappings two thousand years ago ~ the “hopes and fears of all the years” …

‘Course Jesus wasn’t actually born on December 25th, nobody knows exactly when He was born. In the fall, probably. But the 25th of December, the day right after Christmas Eve, is the day they came up with to celebrate the birth of our Lord and it’s been working just fine for many, many centuries. Christmas isn’t about a day anyway. It’s about salvation and fellowship and good will. It’s hope for a world that’s hopeless. An affirmation that things are, in fact, not hopeless, thanks to that sweet, low birth so long ago (on a specific night that’s lost to time) when God took on flesh and became the inviolate surrogate for the sin of man. Is it any wonder the day designated to celebrate His birth is sacred to the over two billion Christians around the world?

The quote, unquote reason for the season. And God bless us all, Tiny Tim.

So in celebration of this most festive and joyous time, I would like to briefly share with you the origins of some of our Christmas traditions, secular and otherwise. Use them at Christmas parties to impress people with your knowledge.

The Name “Christmas”
The name itself ~ Christmas ~ is a combination of “Christ” and “Mass.” Literally, the Mass of Christ.

The Date December 25
While it’s true no one knows the exact date of Christ’s birth, most scholars believe it was during the autumn of the year. The date of December 25th was chosen because early Christians (including the Roman emperor Constantine, who converted to Christianity) wanted to combat a proliferation of pagan festivals that took place during the winter months. They appropriated the date of December 25, as well as many of the pagan practices of the day, and put a decidedly Christian spin to the whole thing. Eventually, the rituals of Christmas assimilated and/or overwhelmed the heathen associations and has endured to this day.

Christmas Carols
The first Christmas carol, per se, had to have been the angels singing about the birth of Jesus ~ “Gloria in Exelsis Deo …” Beyond that, one ancient historian recorded that the Bishop of Rome began encouraging people to sing hymns in “celebration of the birthday of our Lord” around the year 100 AD. By 400 AD, it was commonplace for priests to stroll through their parishes on Christmas singing hymns. This was the earliest example of street?caroling.

Nativity Scenes
In 1223, St. Francis of Assisi put together a small scene in a hermitage at Greechio, Italy depicting the birth of Christ. This was the first Nativity scene. Other churches saw it, liked it and started setting up their own Christmas Nativities.

Christmas Cards
A British painter named John Callcott Horsley came up with the first Christmas card in 1840. The card was a gift for a friend of his and featured a picture of a family celebrating Christmas. The inscription read, “A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to You.” The card was so well?received in England that it quickly became part of their yuletide tradition. It didn’t take long for the custom of sending Christmas cards to spread to the United States and other countries around the world.

Santa Claus
The legend of Santa Claus has its roots in 4th century Turkey. A wealthy and kind?hearted bishop named Nicholas of Smyrna enjoyed donning his red and white bishop’s robes and riding a donkey through the community giving out gifts to the poor children. He later became Saint Nicholas, the patron saint of children and seafarers. In England, the kindly bishop was reinvented as Father Christmas. In China he became Dun Che Lao Ren (Christmas Old Man), in Germany he became Der Weinachtsmann (Christmas Man), and in the States he became Santa Claus (from the Dutch, Sinter Klaas). He first appeared in the American media in 1773, as Saint A Claus. “Santa” could well be a phonetic mispronunciation of “Saint A.”

The Elves
Santa’s elves are a carry?over from old Scandinavian legends when they believed gnomes were helpful little guys who protected their homes and families from evil forces. They were a natural for the Santa legend.

Gift Giving
Gift?giving goes back to when the Magi traveled to Bethlehem to see baby Jesus, bringing exotic gifts of gold (a gift for a king), incense (a gift for a priest) and myrrh (a burial ointment and gift for the Savior who would die for the world). But St. Nicholas of Smyrna popularized the custom of giving out gifts at Christmas (see “Santa Claus,” above).

Christmas Trees
Trees have pretty much always been a symbol of life, but the first mention of a fir tree being decorated for Christmas dates back to 1510 in Riga, Latvia. A decorated Christmas tree made its debut in Paris in 1521, at the wedding of Princess Hlne de Mecklembourg and the Duke of Orleans. Decorated Christmas trees were popular in Germany in 1531. In fact, it was German settlers and Hessian mercenaries who introduced the concept of decorating Christmas trees to the Colonies. During Christmas of 1804, U.S. soldiers at Fort Dearborn, Chicago went out into the woods, cut down a tree and set it up in their barracks.

Christmas in the U.S.
In the United States, Alabama was first to recognize Christmas as a legal holiday, back in 1836. Washington, D.C. followed suit in 1870, and within 23 years, Christmas was recognized by every state and all U.S. territories.

Political Correctness Christmas
Every year, extreme secular, atheist and political factions in this country have been actively trying to diminish or eliminate the religious nature of Christmas. They want to turn it into some politically correctfest. That’s ironic because it’s exactly what the early Christians did to them. They got all up in the pagans’ faces, took their holidays, turned them all around and called them Christmas. What goes around comes around, huh?

Meanwhile …

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Question: How many Cleveland City police officers does it take to shoot one of them in the hand? Answer: Three. No, that’s not a trick question. It takes three.

Boy … Black Friday was a woolly booger this year. Mobs of frenzied shoppers broke down doors at Wal Mart to get in, people were trampled including a pregnant woman, one guy was trampled to death, another guy died of a heart attack in line waiting to get in, mobs beat the crap out of each other over some X-Box 360 consoles and a guy was shot to death at a Toys-R-Us. I myself had to eviscerate a couple of people who I didn’t like the way they looked at me. And, oh yeah, I ran over a family of six in the parking lot cause they had an Al Franken bumper sticker on their car. All in all, a really great Thanksgiving weekend and with all the bargains this year, I saved fifteen bucks. Which I will use to purchase a large tub of buttered popcorn next time I go to the movies.

Okay, looks like O.J.’s going to spend the next nine years in the jug. Merry Christmas, Nicole. Merry Christmas, Ron. It don’t bring nobody back but at least it’s some token form of justice. Providing Obama don’t decide to hit him with one of them presidential pardons. Man is a brother, after all.

An outfit called RocketShip Tours is offering trips to “the edge of space” and back for $95,000. That’s pretty step just for the edge of space. I got a space tour where I will drive you in my car to the planetarium, where you can see all the way to the end of the universe for only fifty grand. That’s a savings of $45,000. Not just that, but I will also wait outside for you to get done, then stop off and buy you a sack of Krystals for the drive back home. And you will get to ride in the backseat of a luxurious 2000 Crown Vic. That, my friend, is a deal. And you ain’t got to worry about re-entry, exploding fuel tanks or getting hit by no meteoroids. What? What’s that you say? You think 50 large is too much to pay to ride in a Ford? Okay … ten bucks then. But you buy your own burgers.

According to a new study, researchers have determined that students lie, cheat and steal. I don’t know how to break it to the big brains behind that study, but it ain’t just the students doing that. And I’m probably stating the obvious here, but the worst ones are corporations, the government, banks and the media.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he’s so glad the new $621 million Capitol Visitors Center is open so he won’t have to smell the tourists anymore. Hey Harry, you pasty weasel, check it out … first of all, those are the American people and they own the Capitol … second of all, that’s your upper lip you smell, idiota. You know, it don’t take 30 seconds listening to Harry Reid’s little weenie voice to know he had to of been a bully magnet when he was a kid. He’s got one of them smug, irritating faces that just begs to be dunked in a toilet bowl.

A deputy High Court judge over in England is pushing for an international court with “supreme legal authority” over the rest of the world. The first matter of business? Making everybody adhere to quote, unquote “international agreements on cutting greenhouse gas emissions.” Yeah, that’s just what I want … more politically correct green freaks that I don’t know telling me what I have to do.

Speaking of which, the Environmental Protection Agency is thinking about charging farmers a “green fee” of $175 per head for dairy cows, $87.50 per head for beef cattle and $20 per hog. They want to counterbalance all the damage these animals do to the environment because they belch and poot so much. Talk about stinking up the joint. Hey ~ maybe Harry Reid could start charging them smelly tourists a fee per-head to help pay back that $700 billion bailout. Or would that be double-dipping?

Well, Hillary and mighty Barack have finished their “negotiations” and she has agreed that she and Bubba will accept the role of Secretary of State (cause where there’s Hillary, there’s Bubba). So strap yourselves in for the return of the Billary Show, featuring their new band leader B. Hussein Obama. I am totally looking forward to February sweeps.

Yeah. Ol’ Barack is the Messiah to everyone except the Clintons, huh? To them he’s just some colored guy with big floppy ears that screwed them out of another go-round in the White House. And that can’t be good for Barack.

You know, a lot of people are worrying about all the tension in the world. China’s awful big and powerful, Russia’s turning back to their old cold war ways, Iran’s getting a lot of help from bad boy nations with their nuclear technology. Lot of thugs with big yaps and itchy trigger fingers running things around the world. Thank goodness that mighty Barack came down from on high to deliver us from evil. He ain’t afraid of Russia or Iran or any of them al-Qaeda dudes. He’s gonna walk right on across the ocean and send their spirits into a herd of pigs. And dat’ll be de end’a dat.

Or not. How about we close with a Christmas carol. Just to sort of get us in the mood …

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE ARMAGEDDON
(to the tune of “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”)

It’s beginning to look a lot like Armageddon
Ev’rywhere you go.
Take a look at ol’ Iran, bristling once again
And going right along with the nuclear flow.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Armageddon
Tyrants on every shore,
But the scariest sight to see is the rebirth of the KGB
Kicking in your front door.

The 48th parallel burning all to hell is the wish of Kim Jong-il
While King Abdullah, who’s nobody’s fool’a, just wants a Christian to kill.
And the prez and his staff will give us the shaft while we all pop another nerve pill.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Armageddon
Ev’rywhere you go.
A bloodbath in the Taj Palace Hotel, one in Gaza as well,
The heinous kind that doesn’t mind if you know.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Armageddon
Soon the bombs will start,
And the thing that will bring them on is the hatred that you own
Right within your heart.

Skulls on a stick and someone to kick is the wish of Musharraf and Shwe.
While breaking a bone or someone to stone would suit Karimov to a “T”.
And of course, Jimmy and Sue served up in a stew for main man Bob Mugabe.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Armageddon
Soon the bombs will start,
And the thing that will bring them on is the hatred that you own
Right within your heart.
Right within ~ your ~ heaaaart.