I don’t want to seem like I’m always cracking on Obama, like I’m always picking on him or anything. I realize Obama is at a cult level right now, with the spooky, empty-eyed adoration thang going on and all ~ I feel like that kid, “Hey, the emperor’s naked!” ~ so I understand cracking on Obama might be a bit unpopular. But really, I can’t help it. I’m a pundit and a pundit must pund. Humorists, political cartoonists, late night comics … they don’t do a lot of Obama jokes. They say there’s nothing about Obama to poke fun at because he’s pretty much perfect. To which I say, “Look again my waggish comedic lemmings … yes there is and no he ain’t.” Anyway, I say all that to say this ~ I’m going to be pretty much cracking on Obama off and on for the rest of the column, so if you’re an Obamabot, quit reading now.

In a fit of pique this week, Obama said people shouldn’t listen to Rush Limbaugh. Then the sycophants in the House and the Senate dashed out a petition of their own against Rush. Now see, that puts up red flags for me. In this context, Rush symbolizes every U.S. citizen. Because if you strip everything away from him that makes him an individual, and all you leave is just one characteristic ~ that of “U.S. citizen” ~ then he could be you, me or anybody else that is a U.S. citizen. So does that mean we should be concerned that if we say something the Government don’t like they’ll come and squash us like a bug? Yeah, that’s what it means. In fact, that’s exactly what it means. Because people in power don’t care about anyone else. They’re insanely selfish and only ever think of themselves. And dictators are the worst. Don’t even get me started on dictators. I remember when I was a kid we had this First Amendment to our Constitution that said the Government shall not intrude on freedom of speech or the press. What is it, two weeks? Been president less than two weeks and Obama’s already trying to stifle dissent? Barack, what are you all of a sudden? Mussolini? Is Gitmo going to be the barracks for your new Fasci Americano di Combattimento? Seriously, bruh, you got to reel it in. Get some skin in the game, my prizzle. This still be the land of the free, yo.

The fourth estate turned into the fifth column, Jefferson is dead and I ain’t feeling too good myself.

Iran is now saying that because Obama wants to sit down with them and talk, it proves America has failed. They say negotiation is secondary. And they’re right. We’re coming at them from a place of weakness and a lot of bad guys smell blood in the water. Someone said to me, “Why not negotiate? Things can’t get any worse than they already are.” To which I replied, “Yes they can.” It’s like this … we’re kind of like Batman. Batman has to play rough sometimes with the bad guys, but he stops crime and saves lives. And because he’s Batman, the bad guys are always going to be bigger, stronger and meaner … like Two?Face, Killer Croc and Heath Ledger. Batman can’t afford to be weak and neither can we. See, terrorists hate George Bush so much because they fear him. Barack’s coming at this thing like Neville Chamberlain or something. Like that kid in third grade that somebody was always putting his head in a toilet. Obama, dude, I expected more from you ~ a guy with no qualifications and no experience. I expected more.

Nancy Pelosi said this week that she was not partisan. That’s true. She’s not. And I, of course, am a little Asian woman who lives inside a nickel.

And what up with Blago, man, comparing himself to Mandala, Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr.? Look up “hubris” in the dictionary, you know what I’m saying? Blago, listen … you are to Mandala, Ghandi and Dr. King, what that nasty brown stain on the rear end of a wine?o’s pants is to a nebula. You see the difference there? They’re somebody. You’re nobody. See the difference?

One more crack on Obama and then I’ll stop. Maybe I’ll stop. I don’t know, maybe I won’t. I don’t know the future. Anyway, Barack gave his “first formal television interview as president” to an Arab TV network this week. He told the Arab world that America tends to think we’re the boss of everybody … like maybe we should apologize for liberating Iraq or not agreeing to wipe Israel from the face of the map. News flash, Barack ~ we’re not bossy butts … we’re Batman. Remember that. I don’t want my President Hussein Obama going on no Arab TV network when we got plenty of perfectly good TV networks right here in the good ol’ U. S. of A. he can go on.

Maybe it would be easier for us if we were like Superman instead of Batman. Superman’s pretty much indestructible. Of course he’s got his own amped?up super bad guys to deal with, Brainiac and Doomsday. And kryptonite, too. So I guess when you really think about it, nobody’s safe.

“Out Of My Mind” is sorry to announce that this week’s column has been canceled due to weather. In its place we will be playing some old Plácido Domingo records for your listening pleasure. We apologize for any inconvenient but it’s hard to work when there’s weather.

Hah! Naw, I’m just messin’ with you. Weather don’t matter and I hate opera. And seriously … “Plácido Domingo” and “listening pleasure” in the same sentence? If you buy that, my friend, you’ll buy this watch (he said, holding up an $8 Japanese wristwatch from Wal-Mart). I ain’t even got no Plácido Domingo records anyway. Wouldn’t know the man if I saw him on the street. Don’t even know why I’m talking about him.

Palestinians who live in such rural communities as Swat, which is located a hundred miles from the nearest big city, can now gather ‘round the radio of an evening and listen to the Taliban warn them about the dangers of engaging in “un-Islamic activities.” You’d be surprised just how many activities fall into that category. For instance, you absolutely cannot watch cable TV, sell DVDs, sing and dance, shave your beard, allow girls to attend school, or (worst of all) criticize the Taliban. They even have a special radio segment where they read the names of all the people they’ve killed so far for engaging in un-Islamic activities. Even better, they read the names of the people they’re gonna kill. It’s not exactly the Prairie Home Companion, but at least it’s something to do while you’re waiting for the next incoming wave of Israeli ordnance. No, no, don’t try to flee … there’s nowhere to go.

But those Guantánamo Bay guys are heading right back into the field once they’re released. We’re forcing our soldiers into a position where they have to face the same enemy twice. We’re giving the terrorists a freakin’ do-over. If that’s the best we got, then I say send them all home and get out of the Middle East. When the same guys come back for another shot it’ll be on our shores, and that’s why the Constitution wanted a well-armed militia.

As you know, I have been criticizing science because we are currently living in the 21st century and they haven’t even invented jet packs for private use. Now I read where science has come up with an invisibility cloak. Science, are you kidding me? An invisibility cloak? Maybe if I was 15 I would want one of those, slip into the girls shower room after gym class maybe. But I left 15 in the dust lo, lo many years ago. I’m past puberty, science, give me something I can use. Give me a jet pack.

This Obama, man, he better watch it. He’s been President, what, four days already? Probably a week by the time you read this. And he ain’t done nothing for me. Hello? Barack? Still having to make my car payment. Still having to make my house payment. Still ain’t got no jet pack. No Washington intern over here writing this column for me. We’re still fighting Bush’s unwinnable war and those poor Muslim freedom fighters are still being persecuted in the Guantánamo Bay U.S. prison torture dungeon. You know, Barack, that’s why your favorability rating went from 83 percent on inauguration day down to 68 percent yesterday. Tighten up out there, bruh. Get some skin in the game.

You know, close to 200 tons of trash were hauled away after Obama’s ordination. They better be careful hauling trash out of DC … Barack’ll lose half his staff. (laugh now)

Obama’s #1 fan Oprah Winfrey is getting fat again. She says she can’t understand how it happened but she’s packing the pounds back on. Oprah, put down the fork. That’s how it happened.

Aww, I shouldn’t tease Oprah. She’s probably pining for Obama. And I think Oprah and Obama make a cute couple. Boy, she’s sure crazy about him. Michelle’s the problem. Michelle’s like the Angelina Jolie of Oprah and Barack. She should step aside and let Oprah find true happiness. Lord knows Stedman ain’t never gonna marry her. And poor Oprah’s getting fat again.

Over in Nigeria, police report that a car thief tried to escape capture by turning into a goat. Pretty crafty move but the cops weren’t fooled. They arrested the goat and booked him into jail. Newspapers ran the story along with the goat’s mug shot. They were going to try him as an adult but turns out he’s a kid. I say, turns out he’s a kid. Can you hear me in the back?

And I Quote: “It’s more like a comedy or something. We watch and say, ‘Oh wow, that’s kind of cute of American gangsters.’” ~ Somali rapper K’Naan, disrespecting America’s gangsta rap poseurs

Yeah, and how about the way they hold their guns sideways when they getting all street? Or the way the saggers get tripped up in their britches when they’re running from the law. Cops get em in handcuffs, they’re standing there, their pants around their knees. Gang bangers. They’re dumb and dangerous.

Is it just me, or does it seem like more and more people have become lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, and lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God? Or am I just imagining that?

Why don’t we let Kathy Griffin answer that question. When she accepted an Emmy back in 2007, she said, “A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. So, all I can say is, ‘Suck it, Jesus.’ This award is my god now.”

Yes? No? Still not sure? That’s okay, you don’t have to decide right now. You’ve got plenty of time (wink, wink).

Obama’s $200 million coronation takes place on Tuesday. I mean, his $200 million inauguration takes place on Tuesday. I was going to go to that, but my wife has me scheduled to do the dishes. I can’t really watch it on TV either cause I’m using that day to alphabetize my comic books. I do wish him success, however.

They’re saying Caroline Kennedy is gonna replace Hillary in the Senate. They say it has to be Caroline because the U.S. Senate just wouldn’t the same without a Kennedy. Yeah. Maybe it’d be better. Anyway, shouldn’t the voters be making decisions about who’s gonna represent them? The media’s trying to turn this whole thing into another Camelot. Without JKF. Or Jackie. Or the 60s. Camelot was a media invention the first time when the Kennedys were doing it, it’s even less this time. Now Obama’s King Arthur and Michelle is Guenevere. Where are we going with this? Are we in cult territory? He’s so much larger than life, it’s transcendent. It’s almost mythical. It’s, it’s … If ever I would leave youuuu … it wouldn’t be in summerrrrrrrrr …

Sorry. I broke into song there for a minute. That happens every time I start thinking about Obama.

And I Quote: “Everybody’s going to have to give. Everybody’s going to have to have some skin in the game.” ~ Barack Obama

Skin. That’s gold. Not just gold, it’s ironic. Skin is Obama’s strength. It’s his super power. It’s like Samson’s hair. Without his skin, Barack would be powerless. He’d be back in Chi?Town organizing the hood. Obama’s riding his skin. We’ll see where it goes.

… And after we’ve run out of skin, everybody’s going to have to have some bones in the game. And everybody’s going to have to give.

Majel Barrett Roddenberry, the widow of “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry, has passed away. When Gene Roddenberry died, he had his ashes launched into space. Majel wanted to be with him, so her ashes were launched into space, too. But when her ashes got there, Gene’s ashes had already caught an intergalactic bus to Alpha Centuri with Timothy Leary’s ashes and a Zoobanian mer’ho. I said, Timothy Leary’s ashes and a Zoobanian mer’ho. Hello? ~ tap! tap! ~ Is this on? Can you hear me in the back?

The New York Times is appealing to Mexico to bail them out of financial collapse. Big shot media, reaping what they sowed. But a memo the Times sent out to staffers shed a little more light on the thang. Management said the paper would no longer reimburse beer runs and cocktails. That explained it all right there. Bunch of drunk liberals have been writing that paper. I knew it when they ran that front page story about McCain having an affair with a female lobbyist, even though there was no evidence, no collaboration and both McCain and the lobbyist denied it. It was a bunch of drunk liberals wanting something to be true so bad, that by the time they’d finished up that 12?pack of beer or that fifth of scotch, they had convinced themselves it was. Now you got the Gray Lady lifting her skirt for pesos down in Mexico. Sounds like a freakin Orson Welles movie or something.

Chinese soothsayers are predicting that 2009 ~ the Year of the Rat ~ will be a year of peace in spite of economic chaos. Then they say, the following year, 2010 ~ the Year of the Ox ~ we will have recovery and stability. But what they’re not telling you is after that, in the year 2012 ~ the Year of the Apocalypse ~ the earth is gonna break in half and fall into the sun. Kind of a bummer.

A crazed monkey was running around loose in Clearwater, Florida last week, terrorizing people. I don’t know if they caught him yet or not, but Animal Control said to be careful cause if the monkey gets mad, he’ll throw his feces at you. Monkeys do that. Bananas and feces, that’s a monkey’s claim to fame. When they’re mad they throw their feces. When they’re not mad, they play with their feces. When they’re feeling comtemplative, they use their feces as bath salts. It’s like monkeys invented feces. Monkeys are nasty. They might be adorable when they’re smoking cigarettes or riding little bicycles, but not so much when they’re doing that other stuff.

And monkey stories are always a good place to end, so why don’t we? Obama’s in, good for him, and Bush is out, good for him. My wish for us now is that the Right be kinder to Obama than the Left has been to Bush. And I’ll give him credit for this: Ever since 9/11, we’ve waited for the other shoe to fall. It never did. Job well done, Mr. President.

Only 349 more shopping days til Christmas. Don’t wait until Black Friday and lose your life in a stampede at Wal?Mart trying to get an X?Box. Go on and get it now, save your friends the expense of a funeral. What? You ain’t got no friends? Well … you want some of mine?

Look, this is bugging me. We just entered a new year, right? The year 2009. I don’t want to seem impatient or anything, but weren’t we supposed to have jet packs by now? Strap on our jet packs, fly wherever we want to go. We’re almost a whole decade into the 21st century, well into Buck Rogers territory. Where are the jet packs? There should be moon colonies, too. Closest thing I’ve seen to a moon colony is those Crater Condos out on South Lunar Highway. Science needs to tighten up out there, get us some 21st century stuff. Get us some jet packs. Jeez, it’s gonna be 2010 before you know it and I still ain’t got the power of flight.

Obama wants to spend our way back to fiscal solvency. That’s like a fat guy eating his way back to a 28?inch waistline.

A British potato chip maker is coming out with a new flavor ~ Cajun Squirrel. I don’t know, but that’s getting dangerously close to roadkill flavor. “Hey, Clem Billy Jim, this here roadkill flavored tater chip ain’t bad.” “Why, that ain’t no roadkill flavored tater chip, Little Big Bobby … that there’s the real thang!” (Cue zydeco band). Look, I’m just saying. Squirrel flavored chips? I love my salty snacks but where’s the limit?

Caroline Kennedy, Fran Drescher … Caroline Kennedy, Fran Drescher …breath mint, candy mint … breath mint, candy mint …

Looks like the government’s gonna start taxing farmers a couple hundred bucks per cow because the cow poots are wreaking havoc on the environment. Cow gas is contributing to global warming, destroying the ozone and I think they may even be affecting the orbit of the moon. You know what I think those farmers just might be in the market for? (Cue zydeco band) A big tractor load of Bovine Beano. Yes, friends ~ Bovine Beano … to bind up those beastly butt burps …

… beastly butt burps. What have I come to? What has happened to me? Am I so desperate to make you, the reader, someone I don’t even freakin know, and I’m not even sure I actually have readers … am I so desperate to make you laugh that I resort to cow flatulence? Can’t you challenge me more than that? I used to be a serious writer. I wrote important stories. Stories that were relevant. Stories that exposed corruption and impacted the community. Impacted people’s lives. Now I’m referencing intestinal gas for source material. And not even human intestinal gas, but freakin cow gas. Cows are one of the dumbest species on the planet. You know what cows are? Food. That’s all they are. We eat them. They are bred to be food. They’re not good pets, they can’t be used in law enforcement the way dogs can. They don’t smell good. They’re probably destroying the ozone on purpose just to get back at us. Look at me … I’m still talking about cows. I need to get a grip. Seriously. I need to just stop this with the cows and I need to stop it now. And yet I forge on …

I’d kinda like to see a drug cow or an attack cow. Like on Cops, perp won’t put his hands up, won’t surrender to the police, turn the attack cow loose on him. Bad boy, bad boy, what cha gonna moo?

According to USAToday, within a year, we’ll be able to watch television on our cell phones. I don’t think that’s such a good idea because you just know people will be watching TV while they’re driving and that could be very dangerous. It might distract them from eating their gravy biscuits, putting on their makeup, reading the paper and, well, talking on their cell phones. Anyway, my cell phone already has a TV. It also has a movie screen. And it can figure fractals, predict the future up to three months, and if I add a little milk to my call settings it can make a pretty good frappacinio. So there.

And I Quote: “All right, Mr. DeMille. I’m ready for my close?up.” ~ Barack Obama, January 20, 2009 (See? Told ya my cell phone could predict the future)

By the way, I’m putting everyone on notice … henceforth, I will no longer use the term “reflex sympathetic dystrophy.” Rather, I will use the newer, more appropriate term “complex regional syndrome.” I say this because when you make reference to reflex sympathetic dystrophy someday in casual conversation and I don’t respond, you’ll know why. I won’t even acknowledge the old term. Look, there’s nothing “sympathetic” about painful injuries that don’t heal, and anyone who insists on calling it reflex sympathetic dystrophy is just being a jerk. Reflex sympathetic dystrophy is dead to me and if you insist on using that term, then you are dead to me, as well. If you want to engage in honest dialogue, you will call it complex regional syndrome. I don’t suffer from complex regional syndrome myself, of course, and I don’t really know anyone who does. But it’s the principle of the thing.

(There was so much drama during 2008, that it is easy to overlook all the mundane things that happened. So, in the event you don’t have any other way in which to bore yourself, I have compiled a list of the top ten most insipid stories of 2008. Try to stay awake.)

10. In July of 2008, a dog named Sooty who lives on Third Street South almost got hit by a Ford truck, but he didn’t. He almost did, but didn’t. The dog’s owner. Thelma Lootz, an unemployed beautician, commented, “Boy, ol’ Sooty almost got hit that time. He didn’t, but he almost did.”

9. On the evening of March 27th, Ethel Louise Boyser asked the waitress at Antonio’s Italian Restaurant to bring her a Coca-Cola with her meal when she really meant to ask for a Pepsi. Ironically, at that same meal, Ethel Louise was served pasta primavera when she had, in fact, ordered a fish sandwich. When contacted at her home two days later and asked to comment, Ethel Louise said, “Well, the Coke was my fault cause I told em to bring me a Pepsi by mistake. But the pasta was their fault, cause I wanted a fish sandwich. I guess it all evened out ~ my mistake, their mistake ~ but I’m still having a hard time dealing with it.”

8. During the last week in August, Penelope Wentz shaved her cat. Why asked why she did it, Penelope said, “I seen my friend Lurlene do it to once to her legs and they was so nice and shiny and smooth that I thought my cat might like it, too.”

7. Last summer, Billy Jenkins’ parents put a smut-blocker on his computer to stop him from accessing pornography on the Internet. Billy is reported to have told his friends, “I guess I’ll just have to do this the old fashioned way.” Then he got on his bike and rode over to Harry’s Food Mart and bought the latest issue of “Boots and Pubes” magazine.

6. Last spring, shortly after a big rainstorm had moved through the area, it was discovered that a leafy twig had fallen from an oak tree into Mouse Creek. The leafy twig floated in the current for several hours and then got caught in a tangle of debris. Latest reports confirm the leafy twig is still caught in the debris. A private citizen contacted both the Fire Department and the Emergency Management Service to find out if a crew could maybe go out to Mouse Creek and free the twig from the tangle of debris, but was told, “Naw, we probably wouldn’t send nobody out for nothing like that.”

5. Over the Labor Day weekend, Everett Poke took a call from his ex-girlfriend on Friday just as the six o’clock news was coming on and argued with her about how to raise their child until he had to go back to work on Monday morning.

4. When Jolly Gumbuck was stopped by a police officer in April for having a headlight out, it was discovered he also didn’t have car insurance. Rather than ticket Gumbuck for a busted headlight and no insurance, which carries combined fines of over $500, the cop wrote him up for not wearing a seat belt, which is only a ten buck penalty. “That way,” said the officer, who wished to remain anonymous, “Mr. Gumbuck don’t get slammed with a lot fines and court costs, and I make my quota.” Gumbuck, however, vowed to fight the ticket in court. “It’s bogus,” he complained. “I was wearing my seat belt.”

3. In February, after working on the family dairy farm for twenty years, Andy Morgan finally told his father, “Daddy, me don’t wanna milk no more stinkin’ cows.”

2. On September 23, to celebrate their tenth anniversary, Willy and Maureen Hensnich went to the public library and checked out Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home on video. But when they got home they found an old Western called The Terror of Tiny Town in the box instead. Several days later the library issued the following statement: “It is not the policy of the public library to put the wrong movie in the boxes.” The Hensnichs said there seemed little point in pursuing the matter in court but that they probably would anyway.

1. In November, Henry O’Herlihy fell asleep in his recliner after eating a big Thanksgiving dinner. To confirm this story, the O’Herlihy s produced a photograph in which Henry did, indeed, appear to be asleep in a recliner. Although the date of the photo could not be confirmed, it did not appear to have been altered or tampered with in any way.