This past week was National Dog Bite Week. One of the more bizarre tribute weeks, in my opinion, but I’ll give anything a try as long as it’s a national thang and everybody else is doing it. I managed to bite 27 dogs. I don’t know if that’s a record or not, but at least I did my part. What about you?

Look, I am sick and tired of everybody lying to Nancy Pelosi. Bush lied to her, Cheney lied to her, the CIA lied to her, you know her husband lies to her and I guess when I feign concern like I’m doing now I’m lying to her, too. So stop it right now. The woman’s been lied to enough.

No, I’m only kidding. Don’t stop. Pile on.

And I Quote: “In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act.” ~ George Orwell

Amen, George. And you’ll be interested to know that although we’re about 25 years late with the whole 1984 thing, we are getting there. So good call on that, too.

They say the lottery is just a tax on people who don’t know math? Well, the president’s cap?and?trade initiative is a tax on people who don’t know math, history, economics, political science or their butt from their elbow.

I’ve noticed it’s hard to pin ol’ Barack down on a thang, iddn’t it? He  makes a gaffe or something, the blame’s usually on another person. The other day, he introduced his secretary of defense, Robert Gates, as “William Gates.” Was the mistake his, or was it Robert Gates’ fault for not being named William? Discuss amongst yourselves. But wait’ll I’m done here.

You know, while I’m posing hypothetical questions, if you rob somebody at gunpoint or maybe stab em to death because you really, really like them, is that a love crime? Could you use that as a defense, maybe get a few years off your sentence?

Michelle Obama told Time magazine that there were little Michelles and Baracks all over the country. Well, all can say to that is, Mommy! Mommy! Make the mean lady quit scaring me!

And I Quote: “I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised.” ~ Miss California Carrie Prejean

Carrie Prejean, you vile, slutty hate-filled witch, that is the most mean thing I have ever heard anyone say. You’re not even a women … you used to be a man, you low life trailer trash. I hope they didn’t charge you by the pound for all that plastic in your boobs, you dumb ignorant blonde. You’re too stupid to even have a point of view so why do you waste everyone’s time trying to act like you do? Go back to hell where you came from, you pitiful excuse for a human being. You’re not a person, you’re some kind of disgusting animal that should be covered in mud and sleeping in their own waste.

And I Quote: “I believe that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman.” ~ candidate Barack Obama.

All hail, mighty Barack, for when he speaks his words are like sweet doves of peace and his goodness reverberates throughout the world. If he admonishes us against gay marriage we should heed him, for even his farts possess wisdom and his exhalations heal our planet.

Double standard? I don’t know. But I pray for the health and safety of Obama every day and I hope you do, too. I’m being serious, because if anything happened to him, God forbid, Joe Biden would be the president (shudder, cringe, spit up in my mouth). So, seriously, pray for mighty Barack, that nothing happens to him. But ~ and this is a big, scary but ~ if something did happen to him (God forbid) and Joe Biden became president, and then something happened to Joe Biden? That means Nancy Pelosi would be the leader of the free world and if that don’t make you crap your pants just thinking about it, well then you, my friend, need a little more fiber in your diet.

Look, I gotta get this off my chest because it really bugs me … I dial a number and get a recording says, “Please enjoy the music while your party is being reached.” Then they either play Beethoven full out or Barry Manilow muzak at a volume that makes that piercing fax machine squeal seem pleasant. My suggestion to whomever it is that does that ~ don’t do that. You know, it ain’t 300-watt stadium horn speakers you’re blowing that crap through … it’s the ear piece of a telephone. Or, even worse, a freakin cell phone. Think about yourself a little bit.

What? Why, yes, as a matter of fact I have been accused of being impatient. I admit it. I’m impatient. I can’t waste my whole time on people out on the road or in a line somewhere moving along like they’re underwater. It’s not so much that I’m in a hurry, I just don’t have any patience for somebody piddly-pooting around everywhere I go. I go to Wal-Mart, for example, just want one thing … a loaf of bread. I go in, go straight to the bread aisle and there ain’t nobody anywhere in the store except for a couple of piddly-pooters there in front of the bread, all spread out trying to decide what kinda bread they want, blocking everything with their buggy, discussing the different kinds of bread and what one costs compared to another, like they’re buying a car or something. Like they’re buying a freakin house. I got no patience with it. Let’s say I need batteries, too. So while Ma and Pa Kettle are trying to make that big, huge decision about what kinda bread to get, I go over to where the batteries are. And there’s another one, spread all out in front of the batteries, scratching their chin, looking at all the different batteries, like “Oh, what to do, what to do? Should I get the double A or the triple? Do I dare eat a peach?” They can’t step to the side out of the way so somebody else can get in there, get their batteries, get their bread and hit the door. No, gotta spend half my life waiting on somebody to do something that don’t have nothing to do with me and takes em all day to do it.

So yeah, I’m impatient. When I was younger I tried not to be, but I grew impatient with the effort. At some point I realized I like being impatient. It discourages people from talking to you or coming around. The more impatient you are, the more likely they’ll be to stay away and that’s the way I like it. A Pew poll released this week said the happiest people in the country are older Republican men. I can see that. I would only add, older impatient Republican men. Now, go bother somebody else for awhile.

by Kenneth Balog

Since my wife got herself a cell phone a couple years ago, Verizon thought it would be a nice thing to call her and tell her that she, being such a good customer, was eligible for a sweet package of goodies.

The fellow who called said that she could have a month of free service and a new, up-to-date phone — no charge.  I couldn’t help listening and laughing at the conversation.

“Yes maam, one month service free and a new phone, one that can take pictures.”

“I like that idea, because I have always wanted two phones — so my husband can carry one and I can carry the other and we can talk to each other when we want to.”

“Uh, no maam, it doesn’t work that way.  The new phone will replace the old one.  Both can’t work at the same time.”

“Then what good does it do to have two phones?”

“Let me explain again.  We are going to give you a new phone free.”

“I heard that part.  But why won’t my new phone work with the old one?  My old one is still working.”

“It wasn’t working a while ago when we tried to call you on it. We had to call you on your other phone system.”

“I keep it turned off mostly.”

“May I ask why?”

“So the battery won’t run down.”

“Don’t you keep it in the charger?”

“No, the charger is in the kitchen and I don’t usually talk on the phone while I am in there.”

“You can plug the charger in anywhere.”

“Not in the garage.  My husband has so many things plugged in out there that there is no room for anything else.”

“Does your husband carry the cell phone with him?”

“No.  He never uses it.  Besides, when he goes someplace I am usually with him and I carry the phone.”

“Does the phone work properly?  I mean, have you been having any problems with the service?”

“It seems to work fine when I turn it on.”

“Well, your new phone will work even better and you can take pictures with it?”

“Of what?”

“Anything you want.”

“Who would I show them to?”

“Maybe your husband.”

“How will I be able to do that since I won’t be able to call him on the old phone– you just said that both phones will not work at the same time — and the old phone doesn’t take pictures as far as I know.”

“Uh, well alright maam.  To confirm that I am speaking to the correct person, please give me the number of your cell phone.”

“The old one or the new one?”

“The one you are talking on right now.”

“I am not talking on a cell phone.  I am talking on my Bellsouth phone, remember?”

“Uh yes maam.  Okay, what is the number for your cell phone?”

“I don’t remember.  Why should I remember, I never call myself.”

“Maam, the last four numbers are the same as the last four numbers of your social security number — do you remember what those are?”

“I am NOT going to give you my social security number over the telephone.”

“But maam, all I want are the last four numbers.”

“No way.”

“May I speak to your husband?”

“He is busy right now.”

“Should I call back later when it would be convienient to talk to him?”

“Why do you want to talk to my husband?  He isn’t the one who bought the cell phone.  I bought the cell phone so I could have a phone whenever I am out of the house.”

“Maam, I am going to send you a new phone in a package that will contain instructions.  Just follow the instructions to activate the new phone.  Remember, there will be no charge for one month of service and the new phone.”

“Which month?”

“What do you mean?”

“Which month will be free?  Can I have December, because I make a lot of calls in December.  You know, because of the holidays.”

“The free month will start when you activate the new phone.”

“You mean May?  I hardly make any calls in May.  What kind of freebie is that?”

“Is your husband still busy?”

“No!  He is still curled up on the floor laughing like a damn idiot.”

“Well maam, I have to go.  The package containing your new phone and instructions should arrive within a week.”

“If you have to go I suppose you have to go, but I do not think that it is polite to say such things over the telephone.”

“CLICK”

I found it offensive and unnecessary for comedienne Wanda Sykes to make that cruel joke about Sen. Ted Kennedy at Obama’s big Correspondents’ Dinner last week. She said she wished Ted Kennedy would die from a brain tumor. Doesn’t she realize the man has a family? That he’s dedicated his life to public service? That he is, in fact, dying from a brain tumor? That was way out of line and I think she … What? What’s that you’re telling me? Wanda Sykes didn’t say she wished Ted Kennedy would die from a brain tumor, she said she wished Rush Limbaugh would die from kidney failure? Ooooh. Well, that’s different. Nevermind.

And I Quote: “What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.” ~ the late Adrian Rogers

Actually, that quote is relevant enough, I’d like you to see the rest of it …

“… The government can’t give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody. And when half of the people get the idea they don’t have to work because the other half’s going to take care of them, and when the other half get the idea it does no good to work because somebody’s going to get what I work for. That, dear friend, is about the end of any nation.”

Now, can I get an amen up in here?

America is such a great country. The problem is people. People will screw things up every time. If I was God I don’t think I’d see them as redeemable. Course, if I was God, cheeseburgers would grow on trees and politicians would be born with lie detectors in the middle of their face.

There’s a guy in India who hasn’t bathed in over 30 years. Instead of baths, he stands on one leg beside a bonfire every morning, smoking weed and praying to Shiva. I know a guy who does that, too. Only not the part about standing on one leg by a bonfire and praying to Shiva. He’s just a stinky pothead.

Declassified documents have proven beyond any doubt that Nancy Pelosi was lying when she said she didn’t know waterboarding was being used on captured terrorists. But evidently she was telling the truth when she said she would only get in an elevator with Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden if David Feherty was nowhere around.

A woman who’s been dead for 40 years received one of Obama’s stimulus checks. I think she voted for him twelve times, too.

And while I’m on the subject of death, I just want to remind you all that, yes, one day you, too, will be dead. It is inevitable and you can’t get away from it, so get right with God.

A man in Salem, Oregon was arrested and thrown in jail for shocking his kids with an electric dog collar. He said he did it because he “thought it was funny.” Now see, those kids are probably going to grow up with a real good sense of humor cause that does sound pretty hilarious and kids love a good joke. I think the police went too far with this one.

And I Quote: “I thought I was gonna get me an All?Star ~ grits, sausage, toast, eggs and a waffle.” ~ Crystal Samuel, after she got angry and threw a waffle at a waitress in a South Carolina Waffle House and the waitress shot her

That old saying is so true: Waffles don’t kill people, but a cap in yo ass sho can. But I don’t get Crystal Samuel. She wanted her an All?Star, with grits and sausage and toast and eggs and the waffle. Then she gets mad at the waitress and throws the waffle at her. Why’d she throw the waffle? That’s what she went there for, that’s part of the All-Star, she wanted her an All?Star. My question to you is, why didn’t she throw a shoe? Why didn’t she throw a napkin dispenser, some packets of jelly, something like that? She was still going to get shot, why did she throw her waffle? You see what I’m saying? Waffle’s not a good weapon, it’s not going to do any damage, and then you’ve lost your waffle. It’s on the floor and so are you now, with the gunshot wounds. Maybe even still thinking about how much you wanted that All-Star. I don’t think Crystal thought that one through.

GM is hoping Chinese imports will bring the auto industry back to solvency. No, no, not General Motors ~ Government Motors,  with the new CEO, Barack Obama? And who ain’t just dying to own a L’il Noodle hybrid, or the sporty ?Beijing Boing Boing? They’re assembled in Mexico, come in green and don’t actually run. But they’re inexpensive. Wheels optional.

In New York, they want to start charging homeless people rent. But then, doesn’t that negate them being homeless? If somebody’s paying rent, then that’s their place, that’s where they live, they’re not homeless. See? It’s a scientific paradox. It really is.

I’m apprehensive about all the people with tattoos. I know tattoos are fashionable these days, even chic, but what’s going to happen when the tattooed people get old? One day they’re going to be old geezers with wrinkled, saggy, stretched-out skin that’s nowhere near where it was when they got the tattoos, and all that colorful ink will be gone into some indecipherable glob over their arms, flanks, and, yuck, breasts and butts. That’s gonna be some nasty humanity right there. The image of it, piebald geezers hobbling along on walkers or rolling along in Hoverrounds … I just pray I won’t live long enough to see it.

Wait, wait … I take that back. I do want to live, I just don’t want to see it. Let me pray instead that I’ll lose my eyesight so I won’t have to see it.

No, scratch that, too. I don’t want to lose my eyesight. I want to live and I want to keep my eyesight. Let me just pray that maybe something will happen to the misshapen tattooed geezers so I won’t have to see it. Yeah. Let it be on them.

A black woman in Cincinnati was arrested the other day for sneaking into another black woman’s house and trying to steal … wait for it … trying to steal … no, wait for it … trying to steal … a picture of Barack Obama. The woman who owned the Obama picture wudn’t having none of that, though, and beat the would-be thief down and called the po-po. Look … you can knock me, step on my face, slander my name all over the place, do anything that you wanna do, but uh-uh honey lay off’a my Barack picture. And I ain’t playin’, girl.

Al Qaeda’s Somalia operation has released a rap music video. You remember Somalia? The pirates? Yeah, they’re a subsidiary of al Qaeda and they want to reach the youth demographic in America with their message, so they took some of those millions of dollars they’ve looted on the high seas last couple of years and put it into the music industry. Come out with a slick, high?end rap video with lyrics like, “Mortar by mortar, shell by shell, only going to stop when I send them to hell.” Ain’t got quite the panache of, “Yo yo, beeyotch be done busted a cap in some ho’s ass,” but there’s an undeniable end times sensibility … jihad meets ghetto fabulous. Oh yeah, this is quite a ride.

Bumper Sticker of the Week: “SILENCE”

A guy in California was caught smuggling 14 exotic birds into the country by hiding them in his pants. And here you thought he was just glad to see you.

This is definitely the age of empowerment. Some schizophrenics, manic?depressives and other mentally challenged people are opting to go off their meds and embrace their lunacy. They’re calling it “mad pride.” For example, instead of having “mental health disorders,” they have “dangerous gifts.” The mad pride people figure why should they listen to some over?paid psychiatrist when they can get advice for free from the giant spaghetti monster who lives behind the moon.

But seriously, where you mad pride people been all this time? I been embracing my madness ever since first grade when some kid dared me to take my pants off during show-and-tell.

The lovely and talented Sukaina al?Zayer has been crowned Saudi Arabia’s new “Miss Beautiful Morals.” ‘Course, nobody’s quite sure what she looks like cause all you can see is her eyes, what with that stifling, head?to?toe, black drape and all. But she killed in the burka competition, hubba hubba. And just like Miss California here in our own country, Miss Beautiful Morals firmly believes marriage should be between a man and a woman. So far Perez Hilton ain’t insulted Miss Beautiful Morals for her beliefs, though. And considering the fondness certain segments of the global community have for beheading critics, I don’t expect him to.

And I Quote: “The Zionist occupiers are destructive microbes.” ~ Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Destructive microbes. That’s gold. Too bad we got rid of Saddam Hussein. He might have been the only one who could have gotten rid of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Oh well. Hindsight, huh?

The only thing to fear is fear itself. And, of course, any number of other things, like accident, injury, bad luck and death.

And pork and Obama and nuclear jihad.

And the Internet and rush hour traffic and forgetting your wife’s birthday.

And the giant spaghetti monster who lives behind the moon.

Documents show that Nancy Pelosi did, in fact, attend briefings about waterboarding long before she said she was aware it was going on. Some people say that proves she’s lying through her dentures and botox, but I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I think she was at the briefings but really didn’t hear anything because she was too busy thinking about what she wanted to say.

You know, if you really want to get the hard left on board in the fight against abortion, remind them how many of those unborn babies could grow up to be Democrats. They’ll do anything to get votes ~ even allow a child to live.

And I Quote: “She’s linking me with mass murderers who are in prison for killing Jewish children on buses? For my speech? The country where the Magna Carta was created?” ~ Radio talk show host Michael Savage, responding to the United Kingdom’s Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, who banned him and 15 others ~ mostly Muslim terrorists ~ from ever entering the country because of his views

Obama’s antagonism toward free speech is spreading. I will have to talk fast.

And I Quote: “Coming to this country is a privilege. If you can’t live by the rules that we live by, the standards and the values that we live by, we should exclude you from this country. And what’s more, now we will make public those people that we have excluded.” ~ the United Kingdom’s Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, responding to Savage in a fit of pique

I wonder if that would work here in the U.S. ~ print the names of all the illegals trying to sneak across our southern border, shame em into staying home? Think that’ll work?

Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick wants to give people on welfare a new car. Maybe he could also give them a house. That way they’d have someplace to hang a high def wide-screen TV, you know, just in case he ever wants to give em one of those, too.

And I Quote: “Everyone should have a chief of staff and a set of personal assistants.” ~ Michelle Obama, speaking at the Corporate Voices for Working Families conference in Washington, DC

I smell another giveaway program. No wonder Michelle is proud to be an American for the first time in her adult life. I would be, too. I guess after Deval Patrick gets done giving all the poor people in Massachusetts a free car, he’ll give em a chauffeur to drive it. And a pair of $540 designer sneakers. And maybe a Washington lobbyist.

By Kenneth Balog

According to the good reporting of the People News, the airport project is moving right along — despite the fact that it shouldn’t be.

Shouldn’t be, because there wasn’t supposed to be any tax dollars from Cleveland City or Bradley County funneled into the project.  Remember?  The airport was supposed to be funded by State and Federal monies.  Wasn’t that a lie back when it was first mouthed by members of the City Council?  Isn’t it a greater lie today after the revelation that the City of Cleveland has pumped 10 million tax dollars into the airport without public input?  According to one of the Airport Authority mouthpieces, the money was for water and sewers and aircraft hangars.  Imagine that!  The utility can’t provide water and sewer service to whole sections of the city/county but can give the airport project 10 million.

So, that makes 10 mil today and 500K that the city loaned to the Airport Authority in the past (I think it was for salaries). What next?  How about 15 mil for the electrical utilities, 20 mil for the administration building, 5 mil for the security system, 18 mil for the fuel docks, 22 mil for the fuel storage facility, 26 mil for the fire station, 18 mil for the passenger terminal, 17 mil for the maintenance shed, 12 mil for the specialized vehicles, 17 mil for the lighting, 1 mil for the radios — uh, I can’t go on.  Then there will be the daily operational costs — I’m getting a headache.

I noted something else that is very important in the People News article — apparently city, Airport Authority and State and Federal authorities will not make public any information about project costs or anything about what the airport project entails.  I mean it is a secret.  A deliberate attempt to keep the citizens ignorant and unawares of what costs will be.  In that case, we can look forward to hearing about expenditures amounting to 200 mil, after the fact.

Mind you, the taxpayers are going to be stuck with the cost of this boondoggled mess. Talk about Obama and his weird economic tactics!  He can’t hold a candle to our local council members.  Oooooweee and sooooeeeeee!  I think that is a hog-call that farmers once used to bring pigs to the feeding trough. I’ll bet that if someone yells that invite near city hall, most of the council members would come running.

As of today, I do not have any more idea of what the airport will finally cost we citizen taxpayers than does the fools who are pushing for a new airport — HOWEVER, I am positive that my property taxes will go up, the sales tax will go up, city and county fees will go up and utility costs will go up, to cover airport costs.

What I do not understand about all this, is the failure of the County Commissioners to put a halt to city expansion — especially where it has a bad effect on county lands, the people and our way of life. The airport will not only have an adverse impact on our local economy, it will destroy parts of the environment — especially the part concerning our underground water sources.  And the operation of another airport will restrict land usage by neighbors.

I hardly expect the County Commissioners to do anything useful in this matter and I positively believe that TDEC will turn a blind eye to the destruction of the local streams, aquifer and wetlands. That would certainly match the longtime mercury spills in another part of the county.

I dunno. It boggles my mind, this Barack adoration. The Bible said in the final days people would be blind to the truth. I never understood that before. But just like all other Biblical truths, it becomes clear as clean, fresh air if we just open our eyes. We’re like frogs in a pot of slowly boiling water … at some point we’re going to suddenly realize we’re cooked clean through and we won’t have a clue how we got that way.

The hard left media have spent eight solid years working around the clock to discredit and vilify George Bush and all things conservative. Now people are so contaminated by that invective they’ve become morally and intellectually unhinged. Not that I have anything against being unhinged, but you have to control madness, you can’t let it control you. A modest degree of madness is like hot sauce … it adds a little zing to life. But too much and all of a sudden you’re a cable news channel.

The scariest part, though ~ and I say this in all seriousness ~ is I don’t think what’s happening is random. I think it’s studied and calculated and designed to reconfigure the structure of our country so that government can control the people instead of the other way around. Google “Cloward?Piven Strategy” and see if it don‘t resonate. I don’t know if that’s what’s happening, but I‘m starting to believe it‘s something along those lines. You know? A very real anti-America agenda has gained purchase under the Kenyan and the momentum builds daily.

Forget all the hype about a swine flu pandemic. We need an inoculation against Obama fever.