Obama has pretty much apologized to every country on earth for the so-called failings and crimes of America. But he can’t muster an apology to law enforcement in Cambridge after accusing them of acting “stupidly” when they responded to a 9-1-1 burglary-in-progress call and arrested a belligerent, antagonistic black guy trying to force his way into a house. How were they to know the guy was a big-shot college professor or that the house was his own? Whatever happened to wisdom and decorum among the intelligentsia? Oh yeah … political correctness.

I guess Michelle’s no longer proud of her country again, huh? Which begs the question: What motive would someone who hates America have for running for president? Here’s a hint: You can take the Kenyan out of Rev. Wright’s church, but you can’t take Rev. Wright’s hatred for America out of the Kenyan.

I’m sorry, I’m being partisan. Let’s move on to less relevant topics.

A monkey was caught on video tape burglarizing the Plants and Planters nursery in Richardson, Texas. I wouldn’t be too hard on the monkey, though ~ he was probably just looking for a couple of nice banana trees to off-set all the tumbleweeds … maybe balance the mesquite with a few coconuts, get some ferns or bamboo shoots for his porch, I don’t know, whatever Texas monkeys like. Anyway, you can’t prosecute a monkey under the law so I guess that was pretty much the perfect crime. In many ways the monkey’s case parallels the O.J. Simpson case. Except, of course, the O.J. case was more of a violent, bloody, double murder, whereas the monkey in Texas was just ripping off a nursery. Not that a monkey won’t purely go bubonic on you if it takes a mind to. Monkey’s can be bad, be’lee dat. Look at that poor woman in Connecticut that got torn all to heck and gone by a monkey had been drinking herbal tea and taking tranquilizers all day. Monkey bit that woman’s hands and face off. Don’t tell me a monkey can’t be bad. But then, even the nice monkeys, the ones that wear little vests and tip their caps when you give them a nickel, will throw a handful of feces in your face without giving it a second thought if they get miffed. Monkeys … so like humans.

American astronauts finally got the toilet fixed on their end of the orbiting space station Endeavour. They’ve been having to go to the other end of the station and use the Russian toilet … which is basically a trench in the floor that empties into the sun. And if you think borscht stinks coming off the stove … well, let’s just say the Americans are glad to have their own toilet back and leave it at that.

Obama’s being criticized because he picked a chubby woman to be the new Surgeon General. I say so what? He picked a tax cheat to be the Treasury Secretary, so it’s not like he’s being selective.

And yes, that was a great segue for some fat jokes, but I promised someone I wouldn’t do any fat jokes. For example, I promised not say she’s so fat, when she gets on an elevator, it’s got to go down. And a promise is a promise, so I won’t say that. I also won’t say, she’s so fat, she bleeds gravy. Or she’s so fat, if you want to get on her good side you have to take a train, three buses and then walk six blocks. And I won’t say, she’s so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Or she’s so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everybody. And I most definitely won’t say, she’s so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck. For I gave my word and my word is my bond. Therefore you will see no fat jokes here, my friend.

You know what? According to the government’s own studies of the economy, all the bailouts, bank rescues and other pork bills stuffed into Congresses’ stimulus package that no one had the time or energy to read could end up costing taxpayers $23 trillion. I think Congress acted stupidly. In fact, they define stupidity. In fact, they embarrass me they’re so stupid. In fact, I smell another segue …

Congress is so stupid … (and all the people said, “How stupid are they?”) Congress is so stupid, their I.Q. starts with a comma. Congress is so stupid, they put stamps on their emails. They’re so stupid, they think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company. Congress is so stupid, they think “Iceberg” is a Yiddish name. Congress is so stupid, they looked in a cracked mirror and said, “Oh no! My beautiful face is broke!” They’re so stupid, when they missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice. They’re so stupid, they think Johnny Cash is money for the pay toilet. Congress is so stupid, they jumped out the window and went up.

Congress is, in fact, so stupid, they honestly think they’re not stupid.

At the Pittsburgh University laboratory, a monkey with an implanted brain chip has learned to manipulate a robotic arm using mind control. Scientists say the monkey can operate the robotic arm with such dexterity that it can “reach out, grab and turn a handle.” Which is pretty much all a monkey’s robotic arm needs to do. If it can turn a handle, it can peel a banana. Maybe one day, monkeys all over the world can have their very own robotic arm, not just the ones at the Pittsburgh University laboratory. Meanwhile, who cares. It’s a monkey.

Ryanair, a very low-budget airline company, is thinking about having people stand during flights. You know, like on the subway, everybody standing up, holding onto those overhead straps? I guess taking out the seats, you can definitely pack more people on the plane. And I probably wouldn’t expect any free peanuts or in-flight movie. But I’m telling you now, soon as I have to go outside the plane and pee off the wing, that’s when I start taking the bus again.

The U.S. deficit has passed one trillion dollars for the first time in history and is projected to reach two trillion by fall. The race is on to see if we can bankrupt ourselves before Iran annihilates us with a nuclear bomb. I’m betting we can destroy ourselves without Iran’s help. It’s probably all moot anyway because Barbara “Don’t call me ma’am, call me senator” Boxer said if we don’t get on-board with Obama’s Cap-And-Trade plan, there’ll be droughts, floods, fires, damage to agriculture, air pollution and even an apocalyptic “loss of species.” You know, in these types of doomsday situations, I find it helps to eat a lot of pizza.

And they accuse Dick Cheney of trying to scare people.

I can actually picture it, though, the “loss of species.” And the species that’ll be lost will probably be us. Then here come the monkeys with their robotic arms to take over what’s left of the world. They’ll rule by default because they look the most like humans. They probably won’t bother to rebuild the infrastructure, though, just move into existing buildings. I don’t think monkeys care about electricity or air conditioning or higher education. When the batteries in their robotic arms die and they’ve eaten everything in the refrigerators, they can just go back to swinging around by their tails amongst the ruins. To folks that believe we came from monkeys, that would actually be the perfect tag?line for mankind anyway.

Alligator, Mississippi, which is predominately black, has elected its first ever black mayor … he won by 10 votes over a long?time incumbent, 35 to 25. Tomaso Brown said Obama’s election inspired him to run for mayor. And in keeping with Obama’s entitlement philosophy, Mayor Brown is hoping to get some government funding action going as soon as possible. But first he has to get someone to give him a telephone. Evidently, the town’s so small, local government don’t have a phone. And like Mayor Brown says, without a phone or fax machine, “How can we communicate with the outside world and ask for things?” Man ain’t even been sworn in yet and he’s already got his hand out. That, my friend, is the model community in the Age of Obama.

You know, according to the Telegraph, who reported that story, after Tomaso Brown became mayor, the black kids in Alligator began taunting the ousted mayor by running in and out of his place of business, “pulling down their pants, shouting, ’Kiss my black ass, because we got a black mayor,’ swinging their (penises) around and throwing stuff.” Had to go all the way to England to get that story because the media in this country won’t report stuff like that. It’s ironic, isn’t it, that the most credible sources of news to emerge in the Age of Obama are the National Enquirer, Rolling Stone, TMZ, Drudge and the London tabloids. Talk about swinging by our tails amongst the ruins.

On Barack’s recent trip to Russia, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin had him over for dinner. They dined on black caviar with sour cream, smoked beluga (which is on the endangered list) with pancakes and tea made in the traditional Russian samovar, a big coal?fired kettle.  Meanwhile, when Putin visits Washington next time, staffers plan on taking him out for cheeseburgers at that joint in Virginia that Barack and Joe Biden went to that time.

Ted Kennedy’s coming out with a special limited edition of his memoirs that will sell for $1,000 a copy. Normally, I don’t buy obscenely over-priced books that I know I’ll never read, but since the Senator’s net worth is only $200,000,000, it’s a safe bet I’m ain’t buying this one neither.

You know, the family of Mary Jo Kopeckne, whom Teddy left to die under the cold dark waters of a lonely Chappaquiddick channel lo those many years ago, has never received a dime, nor even an apology from the Senator. However, because of Ted’s cowardly actions that night, his White House aspirations were stopped dead in their tracks. So I guess in that sense, at least, poor Mary Jo did have somewhat of the last laugh.

Lion of the Senate. S’yeah, right.

Speaking of the Kennedys, you owe it to yourself to Google “Severing the Soul/A lélek halála” and  watch the home movie of a beautiful, young Rosemary Kennedy looking like an aquatic ballerina dancing underwater in the family pool … just a few short years before Big Daddy Joe had her lobotomized and turned her into a drooling vegetable for the rest of her days because she couldn’t be what he thought a Kennedy should be. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the roots of Camelot.

Word in the bush is that some of our local law enforcement types – not to mention any names, but their initials are Wes Snyder, Barry Brakebill & Steve Bebb – do not want the George Poe incident to die. They are determined to make an example out of him, just in case any other law-abiding Bradley County citizen might attempt to defend themselves or their property against thievery, as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment of the United States Constitution.

Of course, we must remember, just a few short months ago when one of the District Attorney’s rogue 10th Judicial Drug Task Force agents (again, who will not be identified, but his name begins with Bobby Queen) held his family hostage at gunpoint, trashed his own home, shot up the neighborhood with his state-owned automatic machine gun, held a day-long stand-off with 3 separate SWAT teams while threatening a “blood bath” and, just to show he was serious, tazered the neighbor’s cat. But we cannot really hold the unnamed Queen, or the Coach, or the Music Minister accountable because it wasn’t the rouge agent’s fault, since he was known to be a sufferer of depression and drug abuse. The Coach called all the media together for a big press hoopdeedoo to say he would have no comment about the incident, except to say that the unnamed Queen was a “HERO!”

If we were going to nitpick with our local unnamed law enforcement types, we would probably point out:

1. That a local physician was supplying city police officers with bogus drug prescriptions
2. That said police officers were inhaling said drugs and alcohol while on-duty
3. That said police officers were engaging in drunken rounds of Russian roulette while on-duty
4. That said police officers were selling said drugs from their police cruisers
5. That said police officers were contributing to the delinquency of minors
6. That said police officers were indulging in the occasional statutory rape
7. That said officers lied about the whole sorry business for over four years without the knowledge of our sainted Police Chief

But, since we are not nitpickers, we won’t even bring all that up, because we need to remember: Councilman George Poe is the real pubic enemy here!

The above comment, and all “Ear To The Ground” articles are submitted by our readers and in no way reflect the views opinions or flavor preferences of HTC.

Hello there, Reader Face Creeper People. Welcome to “Out Of My Mind” … the only column left anywhere in the country that isn’t a blog.

I heard Michael Jackson was buried without his brain. Is that true? You know, the ones who want to canonize him don’t have brains either. Mikey’s got way too much weirdo luggage to be a role model like that. Okay, so he could walk backwards while squeezing his crotch. So what? I can walk backwards and chew gum. No, I didn’t say walk backwards while chewing gum, I said walk backwards and chew gum. In other words, I can walk backwards, comma, and I can chew gum … but I can’t necessarily do both at the same time. But then again, I’m no Michael Jackson. As evidenced by the fact I ain’t dead and nobody’s trying to make me a saint.

While I’m on the subject, I have to make a correction. Last week I said two of Jackson’s kids were named Prince Michael and the other was named Blanket. That’s not correct. The girl’s name is actually Paris, and the two boys are Prince Michael One and Prince Michael Two, with Two going by the nickname of Blanket. And of, course, you all are still named Reader Face Creeper People. You should probably have that changed on your driver’s license.

No, seriously ~ Michael’s “up there perched on a crescent moon,” Brooke? Up where? In NAMBLA heaven? With the little naked cherubim flying about? And he’s a black icon all of a sudden? The man was whiter than Queen Victoria and not one of his three children have ere drop of black blood in their veins. All I’m saying is, a little perspective. Please.

Making a speech in Russia last week, mighty Barack said he wants to see “a strong, peaceful and prosperous Russia.” I wish he felt the same way about America. All 57 states of us, a’hilt, a’hilt.

Did you see that photo of Barack checking out the cute teenage girl’s booty over in Italy? Sarkozy was doing it, too. They’re over there for some conference or other. But they nailed ol’ Barack, his eyes right there on the girl’s junk. I don’t think he was picking up a pen off the floor or shaking hands with a short guy this time neither. But it doesn’t matter, it won’t be a scandal. It’ll be cool and a little dorky and humanizing. And comedians will finally have some material for Barack Obama jokes. Remember, the comedians claim Obama is so perfect, there’s nothing to make fun of. Well, now they have some material. But their jokes will be good-natured and even flattering, all in good fun, Mr. President, and another likable side of Obama will emerge ~ that sort of doofus, sit-com husband side … uh?oh, Michelle caught him leering at a pretty girl (cue laugh track), got her arms crossed, tapping that foot tap! tap! tap! giving him the stink eye (cue laugh track, cue applause), and all of a sudden they’re The Jeffersons. Talk about moving on up to the big time. But the Obama jokes the comedians will tell will be amiable and unoffensive. You know, the opposite of their Sarah Palin jokes.

China, Russia, India and other nations are calling for an end to the dollar as global currency. Look, if things keep going like they are, bottle caps could replace the dollar as global currency. Colorful beads could replace the dollar. My comic book collection could replace the dollar.

Over in Uganda, the Karimojong people are experiencing much disease and drought. They blame the problem on “angry gods.” I don’t think they’re wrong, the gods are angry. And who can blame them? I know they’re angry at me. All the time, far back as I can remember, the gods have been totally peeved at me. Once I was going to appease them by sacrificing a virgin but I wasn’t sure where you get em from. Sex stopped being sex with Bubba Clinton’s blue dress, depending on what I mean by the word “is,” so some of these girls today probably really think they’re virgins; whereas, in reality, if this was1865, they’d be qualified to work as saloon girls in the Oklahoma Territory. Anyway, I’m not into human sacrifice, whether it’s a virgin, a seasoned older woman, a guy, or even something that’s not human, like a fatted calf or a Congressman.

Saudi Arabia’s 5,000-strong religious police are ramping up their big anti-vice summer drive. Gonna clamp down on immodesty, alcohol, intermingling of men and women in public, shops and restaurants that don’t shut down for prayer times and other threats to a bunch of old?Testament crazy men’s ideas of how everyone else should live. Or die. Eet matturs not to ussss.

Look, I love this country. We’re a nation of immigrants. I appreciate the diverse people from other parts of the world who came here, pitched in with their sweat and their good ideas and helped the U.S. to emerge as the leader of the free world. I mean the one’s who came here to be Americans, to contribute something and pursue the American dream. People don’t come here for that anymore. They come here and want it to be like it was where they came from. That’s why I selected the following as the Web Site of the Week …

Web Site of the Week: http://bornagainamerican.org/

… It’s a little We Are the Worldish, but in a good way. In a sort of remember-what-made-us-great way.

Now I’m feeling tender and I want to confess that I love you, Reader Face Creeper People. To show my love, I’m changing your names back to whatever they were before I renamed you. If you’ve already changed it on your driver’s license, I apologize, and if you will send me a bill for your out-of-pocket expenses to get it changed back again, I will, of course, ignore the bill and never answer your letter. Thank you and good night.

At exactly five minutes and six seconds after four a.m. on July 8th ~ that would be Wednesday ~ the date and time on a digital clock will read: 04:05:06 07/08/09. This amazing phenomenon will not repeat itself for another one thousand years. And in another one thousand years, still no one will care.

Look … what got into old Helen Thomas? She sounded positively lucid at that White House press briefing last week. She raised up that gnarly little thing she calls a head and just chewed the seat out of press secretary Robert Gibbs’ pants, complaining about the aggressive manner in which Obama is trying to control the media. She said not even Nixon tried to shut the media up the way Obama’s doing. And look at her ~ you know she’s been covering the White House for awhile. In fact, I understand she was the first reporter on the scene at Ford’s Theatre. Bada BING! But I kid. I kid Helen. She did say, though, that if Dick Cheney ever ran for president she would kill herself. Which is why Dick Cheney never ran for president ~ he didn’t want Helen’s blood on his hands. And who can blame him? Now here’s Helen giving it to the Kenyan for trying to control information in this country. Who are you anyway, Barack Hussein Obama, to control what information the American people can receive and how they should receive it? Helen ain’t liking that one little bit and I ain’t liking it, too.

And I Quote: “What the hell (does Obama) think we are, puppets?” ~ Helen Thomas, giving it to mighty Barack, July 1, 2009

The Social Security Administration reports that millions of dollars in benefits are being paid to dead people. You know what? What’s a few million bucks next to the trillions that are blowing out of Washington? And anyway, as long as dead people are allowed to vote, they should be allowed to receive a monthly check. Or an IOU or whatever passes for legal tender with the government these days.

And yes, I believe universal healthcare should be made available to dead people as well. They have rights, too. Which is why Dr. George Tiller was the hero abortionist ~ babies have no rights until they’re dead … then they can automatically vote, they get a check every month and receive free healthcare. And if you don’t think healthcare can be expensive when you’re dead, then you’ve just never been dead. The formaldehyde alone will break you, if you care at all about your appearance.

Web site of the Week: http://www.obamacaretruth.org

O Big Brother, where art thou? Oh, there you are. And there. And there, too. Oh, and look, you’re over there. And there and there and there. Okay, okay, I’m sorry I asked.

T-Shirt of the Week: “I was busted sneaking across the border and all I got was this lousy t-shirt … and a fat stimulus check.”

¡Viva Honduras libre!

Okay, let’s see … on the one hand, you have the good people of Honduras rising up to oust a dictator and reclaim their freedom. And on the other hand, you have the dictators of the world who are condemning that action: Hugo Chavez, Daniel Ortega, Fidel Castro, Jose Manuel Zelaya, Vladimir Putin and, oh look, Hillary Clinton and the Kenyan. Birds of a feather, huh?

Mighty Barack has asked Joe Biden to take on the role of overseeing troop departure from Iraq. Which pretty much guarantees the troops will end up in Equador and their luggage on Mars. Barack would have done it himself, but he’ll be busy that day practicing his haughty sneer.

I was going to start referring to mighty Barack as the “black Jimmy Carter” … but honestly, next to the community organizer, Jimmy Carter looks like Abe Lincoln.

Al-Qaeda’s North Africa wing has threatened revenge on France for trying to ban burqas, calling on Muslims to retaliate against the French people. Yeah, al-Qaeda’s  North Africa wing … as opposed to al-Qaeda’s Somalia wing … as opposed to al-Qaeda’s Indonesia wing … as opposed to their London wing and their Capitol Hill wing and their Chicago wing and their wings in Russia and Mali and Holland and Australia and Algeria and Morocco and Spain and Pakistan and Chechnya and India and Palestine and China and the Philippines and did I say Chicago? For verily, the world must indulge Islam, the peaceful religion of peace, or the Muslims will saw off your head with a rusty scimitar and bathe their faces in your hot, spurting blood. Because hey, if you’re gonna be a psychopath, you may as well have fun with it.

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Klamenei warned the U.S. this week that our “meddling” in their post?election riots could have a “negative impact” on relations between our two countries. Hey, Ali, I hate to break it to you, pal, but the only way relations between the U.S. and Iran could be any worse would be for you to come out and say something nice about Sarah Palin.

On the radio, they said Michael Jackson was weird because he named one of his kids “Blanket.” I don’t know if that is the kid’s real name or a nickname, but I don’t think Blanket is overly weird. What’s weird is him naming his other two kids “Prince Michael One” and “Prince Michael Two.” Nobody’s commented on that. ‘Course George Foreman named all his kids “George,” so I guess there is a precedent. And, of course, I named all my kids “Spider King Mud Sundae.” And now that I think about it, I’m officially naming all of you within the sound of my voice “Reader Face Creeper People.” So, does that make me weird? Does it? Well, does it?

Anyway, Reader Face Creeper People, I’m pretty much out of things to say and even if I wasn’t I’m tired of talking to y’all for now.

By Kenneth Balog

From the pages of the National Labor Tribune, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania:

“The Filthy  —–.

“They have already brought filth and immorality, and will, if the importation continues, follow these in time with theft, disorder, arson, and murder … No words that can be formulated can exaggerate the utter brutality of the ______ now in Pennsylvania. The uncleanliness of person is only equaled by their beastliness as to morals and depravity of appetite.

“Among the most horrifying example of depravity was a ‘thoroughly authenticated account’ from the Connelsville region that detailed how a party of immigrant coal workers caught a dead colt in a river and ate it, not out of need but simply because of the appetite for diseased meat.

“In Pittsburgh, dozens of people were living at the county poorhouse, where the staff had been horrified with their general filth and diseased skin.  Indeed, these _________ were so vile that even Chinese?Americans, themselves utterly loathsome, would be shocked to observe them.  From their own accounts, they lived in a manner that would discuss any crescent?eyed leper on the Pacific coast, and if they do not breed a pestilence ?? it will not be their fault.”

I ran across the above article while doing some genealogy research in the newspaper files of Pittsburgh. No, it isn’t about the current wave of immigrants, legal or illegal, either one.  But, it was written about immigrants.

Can you imagine someone writing an article in the same vein today?  Have reporters become sophisticated or something?  I mean, are they all politically correct these days?

Oh, and something else I noted about the article, which was written in 1852, and aimed at the immigrants from Eastern Europe — the politicians are again organizing the immigrants into voting blocks and using them to get into office.  Sound familiar?  The more I think about this subject, the more I realize that it hasn’t really ended.  It has been going on since the first settlers arrived and established their little villages and treated the next wave of immigrants poorly.  It happened in 1852, during the immigration wave from Eastern Europe, the Civil War period, the migration patterns after World Wars I and II, the migration of Orientals following Vietnam and today.

About the only thing different today is that the immigrants are almost all totally illegal, refuse to assimilate, refuse to honor American laws, refuse to pledge allegiance to the nation and (what may be the worst act) intend to change this nation into one that resembles the one they fled from.  I wonder if they eat dead horsemeat and will vote for the social democrats in coming elections?