This is probably old news by now, but it never hurts, I guess, to remind folks of the creeping shadows slinking over our great land and the similarities between some of the things taking place today in the U.S. and the nastiness in North Korea, Cuba, Venezuela, Russia, China and pretty much anywhere there’s Muslims in any number. You know, those who forget the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them and all that? I think that may be why history isn’t taught in public school anymore. At least, not any history a historian would recognize. I think some people believe they can avoid the mistakes of the past.

Anyway, this is probably old news, but there’s video of some public school children singing praises to Obama. Video’s posted at YouTube. But the lyrics struck me, especially this …

“Barack Hussein Obama, mmm, mmm, mmm!

He said red, yellow, black or white ~ All are equal in his sight,

mmm, mmm, mmm!”

Creepy, huh? The irony is, whoever wrote those lyrics had to have been familiar with that old Christian song, “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” You know …

“Jesus loves the little children, All the children of the world.

Red and yellow, black and white ~ All are precious in His sight.

Jesus loves the little children of the world.”

Obama, Jesus … six of one, half dozen of another. Remember the Obama votive candles? Have the image of Obama there instead of Christ, Barack all resplendent in the purple robes and halo. Kyrie Eleison, huh? Seriously.

I got in an argument over who wrote that song, “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” I swore up and down it was Dale Evans. But I was wrong. Well, not really wrong, just mistaken. Actually Dale Evans wrote “The Bible Tells Me So.” You know, when I was a kid I had a crush on Dale Evans. She was hot back in her day. When I was a kid, I fantasized that Dale and Roy Rogers would gallop through our neighborhood on Buttermilk and Trigger on their way to visit with my folks. Dale would be trailing an extra horse behind her for me, and as she rode past us kids playing up at the corner she’d pass the reins to me and I’d climb up into the saddle, be all nonchalant, the other kids way down there on the ground, gawking and jealous. I’d cluck my tongue, “Git up, Lightning Strike,” nudge him into a run and catch up with Dale. Then me and her would go off together riding through the woods back of the house cause she had a crush on me, too. But you know what’s really sad about that story? It’s true.

I mentioned Barack earlier? He invited David Letterman and Chris Matthews to join him in the Rose Garden for a beer so Letterman and Matthews could work out their differences. He assured them both that his rear?end was of a sufficient size that they could both comfortably kiss it at the same time.

From now on, quotes I pull from the Internet will carry the lead?in, “From The ‘Net.” In fact, let’s let “Trewsx7″ start us off …

From The ‘Net: “Obama still maintains an approval rating above 50%. The only loss of ‘public trust’ that Obama has ever witnessed is the nutjob Glen Beck fans, the teabaggers, and religious evangelical idiots from the South that make up the base of the GOP.” ~ Trewsx7, posted at politico.com, Sep. 21, 2009 ? 5:56 PM EST

So, GOPers … which are you? Nutjob Glen Beck fan, teabagger or religious evangelical idiot from the South? No, you can only pick one, so choose wisely. I’m a religious evangelical idiot from the South.

And I Quote: “They’re at war with us.” ~ late-term abortion doctor Leroy Carhart, referring to the killing of fellow late-term abortion doctor George Tiller

You know, Leroy, I gotta say, killing is bad business. Whether the victim is a late-term abortionist or a baby who is trying its best to be born. Killing is a bad, bad business, Leroy.

Hey, you know what? I found out what H1N1 stands for. You know, the swine flu? I found out what H1N1 stands for:  Hysteria1Nonsense1. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am scoffing. I don’t buy the whole pandemic scare. You can have my swine flu shot if you want it, I’ll take my chances with my own natural, undiluted immune system ~ the one God gave me when I became a religious evangelical idiot.

Talk about famous last words, huh? Now watch me die from swine flu in a month. Talk about irony. Not to mention my detractors getting the last laugh. Naw, I can’t give em the satisfaction. I don’t care if I get the Plague, I can’t die now. I don’t care if cold, stinky Death himself comes knocking at my bedroom door with his bloody sickle dripping fire, he’s gonna have to catch me first. I don’t so much care about dying, but in my heart of hearts, I can’t give my detractors the last laugh.

Which begs the question: Where, exactly, is our heart of hearts? We got our regular heart, which is  located behind the rib cage. But where is that other heart? That heart of hearts? Some say it is located near the kidneys, some say it’s in our stomach. One wise guy I know said it’s in the genitalia. I told him, “No, look a little farther on back and around to the part you sit on … but that’s not your heart of hearts, that’s your brain.” Lot’a people sitting on their brain. No, I think the heart of hearts is really just another name for the gizzard. I could be wrong, but I’m thinking it’s the gizzard simply because it’s so tough. That’s gotta be your heart of hearts. Your gizzard.

Wasn’t there a writer from Atlanta that died, a humorist, named Gizzard? Lewis Gizzard? What ever became of him?

Celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Beatles’ Abbey Road album, Congress made this announcement: “If you drive a car, we’ll tax the street. If you try to sit, we’ll tax your seat. If you get too cold, we’ll tax the heat. If you take a walk, we’ll tax your feet.”

Mary Travers of Peter, Paul and Mary died last week. She had a lovely funeral attended by thousands of her fans. There was one bad moment, however. In the middle of the eulogy, Kanye West went up, grabbed the microphone and started gripping that Michael Jackson’s funeral was much better.

I kid, of course. Kanye West don’t even know who Mary Travers is. Was. However, it is true that Obama invited Kanye and Taylor Swift to the Rose Garden for a beer, you know, to settle their differences. Next week he’s having Bill O’Reilly and Jeffrey Emmelt over for a beer to settle  their differences. After that, I think he’s having Wiley Coyote and the Road Runner over for a beer to settle  their differences. See, Michelle don’t like Barack drinking and this is the only way he can sneak a beer without she’s on his case.

And I Quote: “It’s the Constitution, stupid! And until we return to it our motto should be: if they pass it we will not obey; if they tax it we will not pay. Just say NO to Barack Obeyme and his scheme to ‘remake’ Amerika!” ~ Devan95, posted at washingtonpost.com, 9/19/2009 12:14:49 PM

Boy, that Devan95 inspires me and frightens me all at the same time.

There was virtually no national press coverage (Fox News excepted) of the thousands of disgruntled Americans who marched on Washington last week in protest of Obama’s policies. Nothing. It is as though it never occurred. There’s not even a consensus on how many people were there. If you were a supporter of the protest, the numbers were close to a million. If you were a detractor, the numbers were no more than 50 thousand. If you were Chris Matthews, the number was 16, maybe 17 racist teabaggers.

But that’s what happens when the four branches of government fall under one party’s control. What? Yeah, I said the four branches of government: the Judicial, the Executive, the Legislative and the Media.

Seriously, they could replace Chris Matthews with old reruns of My Mother the Car and the ratings couldn’t sink any lower.

But mighty Barack made the rounds on Sunday, didn’t he? Spinning, spinning, spinning. It’s embarrassing. He hit CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN and Univision all before lunch and I don’t even know what Univision is. He wanted to do the Cartoon Network, but the animators kept drawing him with those big ears so he canceled. But a theme throughout all his appearances was “civil discourse.” He kept lamenting the loss of civil discussion in Washington. Uh, Barack, I don’t know how to tell you this, bruh, but it’s your side that set the pissy tone in Washington, going back to the 90s, when Bubba Clinton was trifling with cigars and interns and Hillary was blaming it all on a “vast right wing conspiracy.” But you know what, Barack? You want civil discourse? Here’s you some civil discourse: You and your buds in Congress suck. You suck. You suck like a freakin Vac-U-Max. You suckulate. You are totally suckulatory. You suck beyond the ability of the word to convey. The stink of your suckulations make the stink of a paper mill seem like a bouquet of sweet lavender upon a sea of roses and lilac. I can’t say it any plainer. You and your czar posse stink like a wet, dead skunk lying mashed on a two-lane blacktop in the August sun. And that, Barack Hussein Obama, is how to do civil discourse, Washington style.

You know how the media combines the names of hot couples to make one name? Like combining Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez to make “Bennifer”? Or combining Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to make “Bradgelina”? They should do that with Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. Combine their names to make “Ugly Snot-Eating Liars.” Yeah, hah! Hey, Obama, y’all go a week without insulting a conservative and we’ll talk about civil discourse.

A man and woman, both of em in their forties, were getting cozy in a dumpster in Wichita, Kansas this week when some old guy came along and robbed them at knife point. He took their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet. Not a bad score for a dumpster, huh? At least it was a big improvement over the broken umbrella and twisted bicycle spokes the old guy got when he robbed the landfill. Or the expired Whopper coupons and uneaten rutabaga casserole he got when he robbed my garbage can. Yes, yes, I understand that the 900?pound gorilla in the room is the man and woman who crawled into a dumpster for some “alone time.” But, hey ~ consenting adults, you know what I’m sayin’?

Government’s trying to get people to use the term “H1N1″ instead of “swine flu,” but people are resisting it for some reason. One guy I know said “H1N1″ just wasn’t as sexy as “swine flu.” True, I hear H1N1, I think of the Periodic Table. But I hear swine flu, I think of hogs snuffling and sneezing and rutting in slop. So I don’t know, I’m going to call that one a wash. However, I will continue referring to it as swine flu simply because I know how much pigs creep Muslims out.

No, no, I don’t mean the good Muslims. You know, like 44-year-old Mo Hassan who started the Bridges Muslim TV network in Orchard Park, New York, and his beautiful 37-year-old wife Aasiya Zubair. They’re examples of peaceful Muslims bridging cultures and making a life here in America.  Well, until he got ticked over some insignificant point of honor and beheaded her. But up til then they were really good role models.

Hey, there’s you another story that was never reported in the so-called mainstream media. Aww, but you know what? I’m just being racist. Forget I even mentioned it.

By Kenneth Balog

My give-a-damn is busted.

I did not know just how meaningful that old Texas adage would prove to be when, last March, our Texas friends, Jeanne and Jim Bennett,  gave my wife a large sign bearing those words to hang near the front door of our home.

I hung the sign because someone had torn down the faux tombstone I had erected in the front yard bearing a statement about the election of Obama.  I also hung the Texas sign because it sported a large Lone Star that reminded the wife and I of a state down yonder in the drought zone.

Anyway, the “My give-a-damn is busted” sign is still hanging near the front door, but I am now the only one in the house to look at it.  That is because my wife has gone to Texas. Being sixth generation Texican, she preferred that place to heaven, apparently because of the way the bluebonnets carpet the Hill Country in Llano County come a springtime.

Oh, about the sign?  Well, this morning while walking back to the house from the mailbox, thumbing through the mostly junk paper, I came upon a letter sent to my wife by one of her childhood friends.  The friend had not heard about my wife “going home” last month and when I read that the friend wanted to drop in and visit next week, I was reminded too sharply of recent events and my old “give-a-damn” went and broke.

Now, I don’t care what remains to be woven into the tapis of my life because none of it can have much meaning, what with my longtime trail partner being gone. How-some-ever, come next spring, when the bluebonnets hit their prime in the Hill Country, I plan to be at the confluence of Coal Creek with the Big Sandy, hoping to hear someone call my name.

I miss her something awful.

Washington wants to raise the federal debt limit beyond the current $12 trillion cap. Look, they can’t keep spending tax money nolens-volens like they’re doing. Congress should be required to live within a budget just like ordinary, everyday American people do. Well, not me personally, but Mrs. Leonard lives within a budget, so I sort of live within a budget by proxy. Maybe Congress should get a Mrs. Leonard to manage them. Not mine, of course, but some other Mrs. Leonard that can keep them under control like mine does me.

What? What does “nolens-volens” mean? Aw, it’s just a pretentious way of saying “willy-nilly.” I’m just trying to be a little more obscure, that’s all. Makes people think you’re smart if they don’t know what you’re saying.

But I don’t want government to cut back on all spending. Some of it’s okay. Nancy Pelosi’s frog fund has merit. And maybe that study on worm farts, cause that’s something we might need one day. Maybe somewhere down the line worms will try to take over the world. We should know as much about them as possible if we want to defeat them. So let those stand, the frog fund and the worm study.

Speaking of Mrs. Leonard, she wants us to start having regular devotions every evening, you know, the two of us, to help our spiritual quest. And that’s a great idea and I’m all for it, but I gotta say, the TV ain’t gonna watch itself and there’s only so many hours in an evening.

The world’s oldest person died last Friday in Los Angeles. Gertrude Baines was 115 years old. You know, if the good die young, ol’ Gertrude must’a just been real bad. I’m just sayin.

A drunk Russian guy was climbing a big, huge plaster statue of Vladimir Lenin that was built in 1939, when the thing toppled over on him, smashed into pieces and killed him dead on the spot. Ahhh, Mother Russia, huh? It was like the old Bolshevik reached out from the grave to squash one last proletariat.

You like that kinda writing, “big, huge statue”? That’s prose, baby. Old school.

One of PETA’s new tricks is to throw urine on women who wear coats made from animal fur. Real good, PETA, picking on women. You know, bikers wear leather and leather’s made from animals. Hello, it’s their freakin skin? Why don’t you go throw urine on a biker, PETA? Isn’t leather urine-worthy? I’d like to see some PETA person throw pee on a Hell’s Angels. Of course, I don’t think Hell’s Angels really mind all that much you throw pee on em, but you gotta catch em in the right mood. And you should probably be a Hell’s Angels yourself.

Bumper Sticker of the Week: “So ~ how’s that whole ‘hopey-changey’ thing working for ya?”

Israel accused mighty Barack of being a racist because he supports Palestine over them. But I don’t think that makes Obama a racist. It makes him an anti-Semite. Racism is when one ethnic group considers themselves better than another; whereas anti-Semitism is … well, the same thing. So, I guess Barack is a racist. No, he’s an anti-Semite. No, he’s a racist. No, an anti-Semite. Wait, you’re both right ~ Barack is two (clap!) two (clap!) two bigots in one!

But seriously, is voting for someone because of their skin color better or worse than not voting for someone because of their skin color? Grapple with that.

Obama got criticized last week for making a speech to school children. You’d think after seven months with Congress, he’d be tired of talking to children. (pause, wait for laughter) But the reason he got criticized is some folks were concerned he was gonna try and sell Obamacare to the kids, you know, since nobody else is buying it. Look … you can put lipstick on Obamacare, it’s still gonna be a turkey. Okay, so maybe it’s a little more kissable now because of the lipstick … especially if it’s strawberry or grape or some flavored kind like that … but the point is, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you might think it’s a duck, but it could be a fart. The two can sound remarkably similar.

If you don’t think insurgent prisoners were abused by the Bush administration, consider this: According to a report from the 9-11 Commission, during his interrogation, Abd al Rahim al-Nashiri was subjected to … I can’t even hardly get myself to say this … he was subjected to … it’s almost too unpleasant for words … he was subjected to … second-hand smoke. I threw up a little bit in my mouth from just saying that. Are we animals? Are we barbarians? All he did was blow up the U.S.S. Cole back in 2000 and kill a bunch of American sailors, and here we are blowing carcinogens all up in the man’s space. No, I’m not making this up, I wish I was. I am so sick of my country being a torture country, and if you don’t think that was torture then let me tell you this: The second hand smoke was from a lit cigar! Do you hear me? A lit cigar! O, the humanity! The humanity!

But ol’ Bubba Clinton could sure stroke a cigar, couldn’t he. In fact, he’s a form of torture himself.

Mighty Barack lost one of his czars over the weekend. Van Jones, the Green something-or-other Czar. He’s gone. No biggie, Obama’s still got about three dozen left. He’s got a czar for pretty much everything. Got the Information Czar, Science Czar, Technology Czar, Auto Recovery Czar, Border Czar, California Water Czar, Climate Czar, Drug Czar, Faith?Based Czar, Guantanamo Closure Czar, Terrorism Czar, WMD Policy Czar, Intelligence Czar, Government Performance Czar, Urban Affairs Czar  … I’m telling you, the list just goes on. What he needs now is a Czar Czar. The Czar Czar could keep track of how many czars there are and what they’re supposed to do. And he should probably also get him a The C Is Silent Czar … you know, a czar to explain to people that the “c” in czar is silent. Or even better, a Phonetics Czar who could look into have the spelling of “czar” changed to “zar.” That would make more sense to pronounce it.

Barack promised that his budget would contain no earmarks. And by “contains no earmarks,” it is understood that he meant “contains 9,000 earmarks.” It’s not so difficult to understand these people once you figure out their language. For instance, when they say, “There is no pork in this budget,” that is understood to mean, “This budget needs an angioplasty, STAT.”

On a personal note, I have some bad news. My doctor told me I don’t have much longer to live. Only about another 40, maybe 50 years, tops. Possibly 60 with diet and exercise, 80 or 90 with any luck. He said it’s just a matter of time, so remember me in your prayers.

Speaking of death, is it just me or is there something cheesy about a newspaper’s obituary page? Got the dead person’s picture, some fuzzy snapshot or an old photo from 50 years ago. Got poems and eulogies, even got anniversary obits for people who’ve been dead for years … “27 years ago today, the Lord called you home …” It’s morbid and creepy and something I want to be part of. But I don’t want to wait until I’m dead, I’m going to start running my picture in the obit next Sunday. You know, put a tag line, “Not gone. Still here.” Or, “Don’t confuse me with these other dead people.” Maybe run a grainy black and white photo of me from high school that’s slightly out of focus and write, “Still kicking. Still moving air in and out.” Or maybe a simple, “Ain’t life good,” and a picture of me eating a hot dog and drinking an ice tea. Or turn it around on em with, “Lordy, Lordy, J. Michael’s passed forty and don’t look like he’s slowing down.” Just do that from time to time. Remind everybody that don’t like me I’m still here. If I’m gonna be a thorn in somebody’s side, I want to be one of them long, jagged ones that when you try to pull it out, it breaks off under the skin and festers.

‘Course, then, when I really do bite the big one and my face turns up in the obits for real, it’ll be like the boy who cried wolf ~ nobody’ll believe I’m really dead. They’ll be hoping it’s true, but deep down inside they’ll think I’m still messing with their head, still using dead people to rub their nose in it. And I ain’t trying to disrespect the dead people either. It usually ain’t their fault they’re dead. I mean, I think if most of em had a choice, they wouldn’t be. Cigarettes, booze, crack cocaine, speeding, politics and suicide notwithstanding. But I’ll tell you this for free ~ unless Christ Himself takes you in the Rapture, you are gonna die. Maybe sooner rather than later, but we all gonna die. And we’ll be gone. Dead for eternity. Forfreakinever. It’ll be as though we never existed. And yes, as a matter of fact, I am scaring myself, I can only imagine what I’m doing to you. Anyway, lest I forget … rest in peace.

Ted Kennedy shuffled off the mortal coil this week and the earth wept. I never realized the man was so beloved. To honor him, Congress repackaged the Obamacare turkey and stuck a Kennedycare label on it (yeah, that’s gonna give it legs). Now the reason for universal healthcare is, it was Ted’s “lifelong dream.” Hey, Ted, stuff happens. AlGore’s lifelong dream was to be president. You don’t see Congress trying to push him into the White House. ‘Course AlGore’s not dead. But one day he will be. We all will. Now I’m depressed.

And that whole Kennedy-Camelot thing? That was a media invention. Spooky, isn’t it, that the media’s been skewing our perspective for almost 50 years. To that, add public education and you can see it’s no wonder we’re so mixed up. But I won’t judge Ted. I guess he and the Lord will work things out with fear and trembling. For me, for what it’s worth, Teddy will always be that fat flaccid drunk guy who enjoyed strolling naked along the beach. So, rest in peace there in the caverns of eternity, o ye great Lion of the Senate. But you might want to avoid Mary Jo Kopechne, she’s probably still pretty PO’d.

And I Quote: “We didn’t even know she was with Kennedy (the night she died). That kind of upset us. There we were, the last to know.” ~ Joe Kopechne, Mary Jo’s father

One last thing, then I’ll move on. The Associated Press ran a sidebar piece that listed all the Kennedys who have gone on to that great Hyannis Port in the sky. For Rosemary they wrote she had been “institutionalized through most of her life because of mental disability and a failed lobotomy.” Failed lobotomy? AP dudes, if it was a failed lobotomy she wouldn’t have been institutionalized through most of her life. That lobotomy was a smashing success, as evidenced by the fact that before the procedure she was a beautiful young woman with verve and energy; whereas, after the procedure she was a freakin vegetable couldn’t even hold her head up without help. No, I wouldn’t call the lobotomy a failure. Sad, criminal, disgusting and an affront to human dignity, maybe, but not a failure.

Ol’ Joe, huh? With him, you either got with the program or you got gone.

I wonder what people will say about me when I’m dead? I know Mrs. Leonard’s dog will be glad  cause she’ll finally get the rug on the floor by the bed that I usually sleep on. (laugh now one and all)

There’s a U.S. Senate bill out there that would give mighty Barack the power to disconnect private?sector computers from the Internet. You know, in case he needs to do that to protect us from … from something. Guy’s amassing the auto industry, the banks, energy, healthcare, the Census, the airwaves, free speech, peaceful assembly and dissent, and now he wants the Internet. Okay, Barack, but this is the last thing I’m doing for you. Shut my Internet off if you think you should, I’ll trust your judgment with that. But I’m telling you now, you wouldn’t get away with this if you weren’t so cute. I cannot resist a cute black man. And I don’t mean that in a homosexual sense, either. I mean it in a healthy, manly sense, as from a healthy manly man who is so secure in his male manliness that he’s not threatened by cute black guys.

And I Quote: “We already have an internet threat that must be neutralized. Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, and the tea baggers must all have their connections cut off, as they are a threat to the re-election of the president.” ~ Amadensor, posted at cnet.com, August 28, 2009 6:06 AM PDT

I don’t know if the quote mentioned above was sarcastic or if they really would like to silence people they don’t like. But I’ll tell you this for free … there are waaaay too many people today who wouldn’t think twice about shutting somebody up it they didn’t like em, including using the force and influence of the government to do it. Is your sphincter clenching yet? No? Well, put down the Kool-Aid and cut back on your fiber.

Bumper Sticker of the Week: “What part of Europe are you from? The part whose ass we saved, or the part whose ass we kicked?”

To me, America’s like this hot, rich girl who feels guilt over being so wealthy. She meets a cute guy-of-color who’s kind of a mutt, but he seems nice and smart and different than all the other jerks she’s dated, so she falls in love and he moves into the mansion with her. But it don’t take long she realizes the guy’s a dead-beat who’s full of empty promises. He ain’t even all that smart, just a talker, smooth with the moves. Eventually she gets tired of him maxing out her credit cards and dissing her in front of his creepy friends, who always seem to be hanging around, mooching, eating up the food, watching the big screen TV. When she complains about it, he accuses her of being a racist bimbo who is all wee weed up and acting stupidly. Which, of course, just makes her fall in love with him all over again.

Speaking of being wee weed up: Chris Matthews, do you realize now? That wasn’t a thrill up your leg, pundit boy … that was media incontinence.

And I Quote: “Always love your country ~ but never trust your government.” ~ the late Robert Novak, “last of the great shoe leather reporters”

To that I would add, also don’t trust newspapers, news shows, TV pundits, anyone in your family or anyone you may or may not know on a personal level. Trust only what you read here.