(Every year, millions of turkeys are murdered and devoured by Americans in a bizarre Thanksgiving ritual that dates back to the days of the pilgrims. This is a clear violation of the “cruel and unusual punishment” rule of law; especially considering that these turkeys are guilty of nothing more than being turkeys. In an attempt to shine a light on this shameful dark practice, I sat down with one such poor, doomed bird during its final hour. This, then, is the story of one turkey’s tragic fate. Read, learn and then search your heart …)

“You’re scheduled to be executed in an hour. What’s your story, how did you get here? Help me and my readers understand what’s in your mind right now. One short hour. Why, you’ll baste longer than that afterwards.”

“Thanks for reminding me.” He lights a cigarette, gripping his Bic with a taloned foot. “What’s my story? I’ll tell you my story, pal, I was born a turkey. You have no idea what it’s like being a turkey in America.”

“Tell us, we care, help us understand.”

“Look, we’re not pretty birds, we don’t fly, what do you want from us? We got these gnarly red sacs hanging from our beaks. You know what our language is? Gobble, gobble. That’s it. Every word in the turkey language consists of some form of gobble-gobble: gob, obble, ob, ob-ob, obble-gobble ~ that’s the way we talk. We’re a threat to no one. Yet, every Thanksgiving without fail, we are rounded up by the millions and cannibalized. And Thanksgiving isn’t even our holiday.”  He goes into a violent coughing fit, choking on the cigarette, his dewlap quivering. I wait patiently. Finally, he sips from a glass of water, regaining his composure.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, peachy freakin keen. Do you realize that in a few short hours somebody’s gonna make gravy out of my giblets? Now, that’s just sick.” He scowls at his cigarette, snubs it out in a cluttered ashtray. “Geez, nasty habit, smoking. Gonna kill me one of these days.” A brief, humorless smile.

“So you feel that the Thanksgiving tradition is cruel and unusual?”

“You tell me. Is genocide by mastication cruel? You want unusual? Try this: When there is nothing left but bones, fatty deposits and gristle, I will be made into soup. Turkey skeleton soup. Who in their right mind would eat skeleton soup? What’s wrong with fish? Isn’t that the other white meat? Big fat catfish goes good with cranberries. I thought you people were obsessed with your red meat. Why can’t Thanksgiving be a steak day? Or deer meat, chicken, possum, dog, I don’t care, but in the name of all that’s holy, please leave we turkeys in peace.”

“What do you think of turkey bowling?”

“I think turkey bowling stinks. Next question.”

“Would you support a Constitutional amendment that would make the killing of a turkey with the intention of eating it, a hate crime?”

“Well, the problem, you see, is that I am a turkey, and last time I looked turkeys hadn’t been given the vote. We ain’t got representation in government. But even if we did, we’d still just be a bunch of turkeys. What do you think a bunch of freakin turkeys is gonna accomplish in the House or Senate?”

“Do they give you a final meal in here?”

“Yeah. Pellets. Same thing they give us every meal. Tasteless brown pellets that we eat off the floor. I don’t even know what it is.”

“It might encourage you to know that there is a candlelight vigil being held outside right now in support of your right to life.”

“Oh how sweet. And then at supper this evening, everyone of em’ll be fighting over who gets my leg.”

“That’s kind of cynical, don’t you think?”

“I meant it in a good way.”

“Do you have any final thoughts you’d like to share with us?”

“Maybe just that I’m slated to be beheaded and plucked and the flesh gnawed from my bones.”

“Well, I was thinking of something more positive. Can you tell us what you’re most thankful for this holiday season?”

“Well, I’ve got my health. I’m thankful for that.”

“Would you do something for me? Would you wish my readers happy Thanksgiving in turkey language?

“Sure. Gobble ob nobble.”

Hello. My name is Billy Jeepers reporting live from the County Courthouse where lines began forming last evening for same-sex marriage licenses, in wake of the state legislature’s decision this week to legalize gay marriage.

Thousands of same-sex couples are lined up for blocks, eager to join one with another in holy matrimony, demanding their God-given right to all the misery, suffering and disillusionment of marriage that, until now, only so-called “straight” couples could enjoy.

Opponents of same-sex marriage claim that allowing two people of the same gender to legally wed will open a floodgate of weirdness ~ that society’s more eccentric and/or extreme members will seek to use the same-sex precedent for their own perverse agendas. Next, they claim, people will be wanting to marry their siblings, or their parents or even their pets.

Too weird? Not likely to happen? Then consider the case of “Norman Ormond” (not his real name).  (Well, yes it is his real name, but I can’t think of a good made-up name right now). Norman, step over here, sir, with your “partner” and explain to our listeners what it is you hope to accomplish here today.

“Alls we want is the same right everyone else has.”

And what would that be, Norman?

“I want to marry my computer.”

That computer you have there with you now?

“Yeah. This is eMartha. Me and eMartha have been together for a few years now and there’s just nobody else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with. She’s been there for me through sickness and health, richer and poorer, better and worser. And I’ve been there for her through memory upgrades, changing technology and virus attacks.”

And now you want to be married?

“Yeah. It’s like this … eMartha has brought more joy into my life than I’ve ever experienced. She’s opened up a whole new world for me. We’re not going to be denied our God-given right to become husband and wife just because of a bunch of antiquated Judeo-Christian ethics that nobody pays any attention to anyhow.”

Norman, are you saying a person has a God-given right to marry their computer?

“Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. It is inherent in our rights under the Constitution ~ life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness under God almighty, amen and amen.”

Norman, does it seem at all odd to you that a human being would want to marry an appliance?

“That’s racist! You are a racist! If there wasn’t a computer present, I’d knock your bigoted teeth down your throat.”

Well, Norman, I … I intended no offense, sir.

“Yeah, your kind never does. It’s not like I’m talking about marrying an animal or an electric toothbrush. Although I did fall pretty hard for a skateboard once.”

That was a joke, right?

“Yeah. (chuckle) I was just jerking your chain with the skateboard thing. Get it? Fall hard?”

Yeah, I got it, Norman. But pardon my ignorance for a moment … let’s say you are allowed to legally marry ~ how do you and eMartha plan to consummate your relationship? How do you handle sex?

“Oh, that (chortle). That ain’t a problem if you got DSL.”

A Digital Subscriber Line?

“No … a Dirty Smutty Link.”

Ooookay. Do you and eMartha plan on having children?

“Well, no. I mean, you know, eMartha’s a computer, after all. She can replicate, extrapolate and even frustrate. But procreate? How would you write the software? Boy, that’s a scary thought … procreation software. I hate to think all the ways Microsoft would screw that up.”

Well, Norman, what if someone wanted to marry a software program? Would you have a problem with that?

“It would never last. I’d give it six months, eight month tops.”

But according to what you’re saying, wouldn’t it be their God-given right under the Constitution?

“Good grief … who in their right mind would want to marry a software program? Now you’re just being absurd.”

So I guess you and eMartha will remain childless?

“Oh no, not at all. We plan to adopt. Maybe an African child or a ghetto child, something like that. Or maybe we’ll go a little more cyber … like an X-Box or maybe an iPod.”

You’re going to adopt an X-Box or an iPod?

“Or maybe a palm pilot.”

Well, I haven’t heard from eMartha herself yet. How does she feel about all this?

> i couldnt be happier [smiley face] my normie is a wonderful man <

Hold it a minute … you’re just typing that in on your keyboard.

“What do you expect?”

eMartha can’t speak for herself?

“You keep way overestimating the ol girl, dude. You are aware she’s a machine, hello?”

Yeah, well, that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?  It’s a little bizarre to think you can marry a machine. You cant even properly converse. You’re putting words into what passes for her mouth. Aren’t you, in essence, just talking to yourself?

“Yeah. That’s probably why we have so much in common. Let me ask you a question … do you and your wife argue much?”

Used to. When I was married.

“And that’s probably why you ain’t still married. See? My way there ain’t no arguing, no insufferable chick flicks, no PMS … you see what I’m saying?”

I think I do. Does eMartha have a sister?

“A half-sister. A desktop. But she ain’t too agreeable.”

Well, Norman, I see they’re calling you into the clerk’s office, so we’ll let you go now. Best of luck to you and eMartha. To our listeners ~ if you thought Norman was odd, next in line is a washed-up, minor-league celebrity named J. Michael Leonard who is applying for a license to marry his comic book collection.

“Well, not my entire collection (says J. Michael defensively) … just some of the early issues of Wonder Woman. So don’t try to make me out a weirdo like that last guy.”

And, as they say, so it goes. This has been Billy Jeepers another live report on the issues you couldn’t care less about …

Well, whatever else you want to say about George Bush, he was diligent about protecting the country from further terror attacks after 9-11. Not so the Kenyan. In my opinion, the Ft. Hood massacre was the second terror attack on American soil. Nidal Malik Hasan, an Islamic terrorist hiding behind the mask of a U.S. military officer, killed 14 people and wounded 38 more last Thursday. Course, Barack said we shouldn’t “jump to conclusions” about the killings. You know, wait until the facts are in and all that, trying to be the voice of reason all of a sudden. Never mind Nidal Hasan was a hardcore Muslim who hollered “Allahu Akbar” throughout his rampage, or that U.S. intelligence agencies knew he was in communication with al-Qaeda … yeah, we shouldn’t jump to any conclusions about none of that. Course, when it involves a white cop arresting a loud?mouth, belligerent black college professor, Barack says go ahead and jump … as quickly and as stupidly as possible.

But then, as everyone already knows, Barack purely loves him some Muslims. Brothers-in-arms and all. He’s said many times that the U.S. is not at war with Islam. Course, I don’t think Islam got that memo, cause they sho be at war with us, my peeps. There are even “devout Muslims” in high positions within the Obama administration. But that’s okay cause we’re talking about “peace-loving Muslims.” Like this guy Nidal Hasan, and the one up north who beheaded his wife, Mo Hassan. They’re peace-loving Muslims. For that matter, I guess, so is Louis Farrakan. Yeah, so go ahead and release those Gitmo prisoners onto American soil, too, since we ain’t at war with none of em. There must be at least a couple of peace-loving ones down there. Course you gotta be careful because everything is the opposite in Obamaspeak ~ good is bad, right is wrong, and hard-working, law-abiding, tax-paying American citizens are domestic terrorists.

Imam Mohammed Abdullahi from the Muslim Community Center was quick to get out in front of the thing saying, Islam is “not responsible” for the massacre. Uh, Abdullahi? Yeah it is. It was Islamic indoctrination, Islamic hatred for all things that aren’t Islamic, that obnoxious and deadly sense of entitlement Islam teaches, the misogynistic, murderous, megalomaniacal self?absorption Muslims wear with such pride, and Islam’s goal to see the world under subjugation. So yeah, Abdullahi, Islam is absolutely responsible.

And like Michael Myers in all those Halloween movies, the killer isn’t dead. Nasan survived and has the … if not sympathetic, then at least empathetic, attention of the mainstreammedia. So we’ll have the pleasure of his company for a while longer.

You know, Nidal’s brother, Eyad, said Nidal was “a great American.” No, Eyad, he wasn’t a great American. He killed 14 people and wounded 38. He was a bad American. Great Americans don’t do that.

And I quote: “Americans love life, we love death. That is the big difference between us.” ~ the late, great Osama bin Laden

What is the shelf life of a grudge anyway? What is wrong with people that can keep hatred alive for five thousand years over some insult that I doubt they even remember what it was. How do they do that? At best, our days are few and full of trouble, so why allow every minute of your life to be filled with hatred and revenge? Listen to me, my eccentric Islamic brethren … go for a walk. You know what I’m sayin? Smell a rose. Go swimming, play with a dog, toss a ball around. Life is good, you freakin pinheads. Leave people alone.

The worst part of this Ft. Hood story is that the Army ~ or at least some intelligence agency(ies) knew about Nasan and his fraternization with al?Qaeda beforehand, but did nothing about it. Why? Two words: political correctness. Like every other part of society, the military has gotten bogged down in the sticky tar of political correctness. Remember B’rer Rabbit and the Tar Baby? That’s what’s happened with the military and that’s what’s happened to this country. But there’s nothing correct about it. We should call it what it really is: political tyranny. We’re foolish if we underestimate the trouble it brings.

Ironic that the Ft. Hood massacre took place a week before we honor Veteran’s Day. To all veterans, current and future, thank you for your service. And to the ones risking their lives in hostile, sun-scorched lands overseas: May God go before you, behind you, beside you and with you. Jehovah akbar.

By Kenneth Balog

I want to unload on the local utility, which is supposed to be a utility, not a source for donations to the favorite projects of the City Mayor and the City Council.

For instance, since when is a local utility expected to donate money or services to something like the Airport Authority to fund a local airport?  Or to a private business, a Greenbelt, or – - – - – ?   I thought a utility was supposed to provide utilities to people who pay for the utilities.

I also thought that the monies collected from rate-payers were to be used for maintenance and improvement of utilities.  Using the funds for any other purpose seems to me to be underhanded, uneconomical, unscrupulous and a bit usufruct.

I think that the utility ought to get back to being a utility and get out of the business of funding pet projects with donations, which is nothing more than a method of claiming that tax money is not being used for the projects.

This questionable method of accumulating funds brings to light a very important point: If the utility has so much money in its coffers that it can afford to donate as much as $2 million to anyone, isn’t it obvious that the utility is over-charging rate payers in the first place?  Can anyone explain that?  I would rather that the utility upgrade its power grid, provide water and sewer service to more residents, improve ancient water pipes, improve drainage systems, raise the pay of deserving employees and upgrade its equipment, before donating it to other entities.  Is that an unreasonable expectation?

Besides donating money to non-utility projects, our utility wastes money on a routine basis.  Take for instance the monthly newsletter that as far as I have seen doesn’t contain much news about the utility.  Then there is an entire page on the back of the monthly bill, devoted to asking that customers donate $1 per month to a Shady Tree Board so they can plant $125 trees everywhere.  That is another pet project, isn’t it?