(In addition to not eating meat, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals [PETA] now say people shouldn’t eat fish either. They launched a new campaign called the “Fish Empathy Project” to raise awareness regarding the cruel and inhumane conditions at the nation’s fish slaughterhouses. You know, I used to do pretty goods interviews when I was an investigative reporter and I’ve been kind of missing it, so I decided it would be fun to do an interview with PETA about the fish empathy. I contacted their headquarters and spoke with one P. Q. McGurkin-Tinfoil, the director of PETA’s Vegan Outreach Ministries)

JML:  Thank you for taking time to do this interview, Mrs. McGurkin-Tinfoil, I know you’re busy. Is it Mrs. McGurkin-Tinfoil or Miss?

McG-TF:  Actually, it’s Mr.

JML:  I knew that. Sorry. Why don’t you tell us about the Fish Empathy Project …

McG-TF:  It’s very exciting. Our motto is, “We shine the light of truth into the black darkness of that which is not truth.” I came up with that myself.

JML:  I gotta say, Mrs. McGur — I mean, Mr. McGurkin-Tinfoil … as mottos go, it’s not bad. Just the right amount of piety to make it maudlin.

McG-TF:  Thank you.

JML:  You’re in charge of PETA’s Vegan Outreach Ministries. What exactly does that word mean, “vegan”? I always thought a Vegan was an alien from another solar system.

McG-TF:  Uh, no. Vegan is just a pretentious way of saying “vegetarian.” You must remember ~ extreme liberal activists strive to be pretentious in all things. Always. First and foremost. For that is the Law. Are we not men?

JML:  I know I sure am. Tell us how this whole fish sympathy thing came about?

McG-TF:  It’s empathy, not sympathy.

JML:  What?

McG-TF:  You said fish sympathy. It’s fish empathy.

JML:  Sorry. Musta been a Freudian slip.

McG-TF:  Fish do not need, nor do they want, our pity.

JML:  Yeah, I get it, sorry. Tell us how this whole fish empathy thing came about?

McG-TF:  We launched the Fish Empathy Project because, as you may know, fish are  delicious, whether fried, grilled, sautéed or broiled. And since we at PETA won’t allow ourselves to eat meat, it pretty much burns our britches that other people get to and we have taken it upon ourselves to stop them.

JML:  Mr. McGurkin-Tinfoil, I must say, I admire you’re candor.

McG-TF:  I’m not going to lie. But people don’t have to eat fish when there are so many alternatives … tofu, veggie burgers, boiled cardboard, Styrofoam. These are all perfectly acceptable and tasteless alternatives. What we hope to do with the Fish Empathy Project is call attention to the slaughterhouse abuse of our finned and gilled brethren who dwell beneath the waves.

JML:  Abuse in the fish slaughterhouses?

McG-TF:  That’s correct. History will look back on this time as the Fish Holocaust.

JML:  That’s pretty dramatic.

McG-TF:  It’s fish genocide. Genocide by cannibalism.

JML:  Yeah, well, but it wouldn’t be cannibalism, though, unless the fish were eating each other, right?

McG-TF:  Now you sound like a fish bigot. Would it surprise you to learn that fish are intelligent, sensitive and complex living creatures that can do all sorts of amazing things. They swim, they breath underwater, they swim.

JML:  The American Heart Association recommends that people eat fish in order to stay healthy.

McG-TF:  The American Heart Association is irrelevant in the modern age. Many of the practices they once recommended have been completely discredited and debunked by science. They used to recommend treating illnesses with leeches and bleeding people to treat anemia. They are totally indifferent to fish suffering. Why don’t they recommend eating dog at every meal? What would they say if somebody stuck a fishhook through a dog’s jaw? Dogs may be man’s best friend, but that’s only because fish won’t fetch.

JML:  It’s not the same thing. Fish don’t feel pain.

McG-TF:  How about we stick a fishhook through your jaw, see if you feel pain.

JML:  But I’m not a fish.

McG-TF:  Not yet, maybe. But who knows where evolution will eventually lead?

JML:  Wow. You think mankind will evolve into some kind of fish?

McG-TF:  I said, who knows. Look, if only people would take time to get to know a fish, they would see that they are interesting, fascinating individuals. And smart as a whip. You know, the blind Mexican cave fish can picture detailed mental maps of its surroundings by interpreting water pressure changes.

JML:  Wow, that’s like Matt Murdock.

McG-TF:  Who?

JML:  Matt Murdock. Daredevil. He’s a superhero. He’s blind but his other senses are highly developed.

McG-TF:  Fish are not comic book characters, sir. Their cognitive powers match or exceed those of “higher” primates. The North Sea haddock is so smart it’s learned to recognize and avoid a trawler’s net. And don’t even get me started on the dolphins. It could be argued that dolphins are smarter than people.

JML:  Dolphins aren’t fish, they’re mammals.

McG-TF:  Same difference. They live in the water.

JML:  A final question ~ PETA spends so much time and money advocating for helpless animals … what about unborn babies? They’re the most helpless of all, right?

McG-TF:  Hey, it’s like you said … babies aren’t fish, they’re mammals.

JML:  That’s convoluted logic.

McG-TF:  Thank you. I learned that at Berkeley.

JML:  Okay, that about wraps it up. Thank you, Mr. McGurkin-Tinfoil. I think this may have been my best interview ever. Good luck and keep shining the light of truth into the black darkness of that which is not truth.

McG-TF:  Oh, that we shall. Indeed, that we shall.