Talk about earthquakes in divers places … I feel for the folks in Haiti. An oppressed, dirt poor little country without enough trouble, it gets razed to the ground by the trembling planet. Dust to dust, huh? As always, sympathetic Americans will open their wallets and pour millions into the country for humanitarian relief and as always, the money will be stolen by bad guys who already have more than they can spend.

Shoot, they ain’t even spent all the money they stole from Katrina yet.

Speaking of Katrina … a lot of people don’t know this, but George Bush had a satellite in space to control the weather. He used it to create hurricane Katrina and then made it hit New Orleans because George Bush don’t like black people. Well, now all that’s changed. Mighty Barack is president and so the weather satellite belongs to him now. You know that recent cold spell? I think he was practicing.

What’s that? What does “divers places” mean? Aww, that’s just Bible-speak for “diverse places.” You know, like wars and rumors of wars and all that.

The actor Danny Glover said the earthquake was caused because no consensus was reached at the recent climate summit in Copenhagen. Pat Robertson said the earthquake was caused because the Haitian people made a deal with the devil. What do you think? Was it a deal with the devil or was it the climate summit? Because given that choice and no other ~ the climate summit or a deal with the devil ~ discounting who’s  sayin’ what, if I gotta pick a hand, purely as a rhetorical question? I must say, I gotta go with Pat.

I’ll tell you this, though ~ over 200,000 dead, corpses dumped in landfills, covered over and plowed back into the earth, nobody even knowing who they were. If the Haitians did make a deal with the devil, that must’a been some kind of deal. What were they supposed to get out of it? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you this for free … you give the devil a ride, he’s gonna drive. B’lee dat.

I have a pamphlet I keep with me, little thing about three-and-a-half by six-and-a-quarter inches, can fit it in my shirt pocket … 36 pages of text in what looks like maybe a 10-point font. You can pretty much read the whole thing on your lunch break. It’s a little booklet called The Declaration of Independence; the Constitution of the United States, with all 27 Amendments. My point? Well, my point is, if the entire documentation for governmental operations of the greatest, most powerful and most successful nation on earth can be presented in 36 small pages, why is the health care bill almost 2,000 full-size pages? Why is the freakin tax code almost 17,000 pages? Now, don’t strain yourself. The question is purely rhetorical because I can already tell you why ~ it’s because government is filthy with lawyers. On top of that, those lawyers have staffs that include dozens more lawyers. And lawyers can’t say anything in two words if they can say it in forty. They write voluminous things in lawyer-speak and those things become law. So that’s why.

You know, I don’t care what party it is, 46 years in the U.S. Senate is a pretty good argument for term limits.

If we had any commonsense or altruism, we’d sit down and take a look at what works on the Democrat side and what works on the Republican side. We been doing this for 214 years, maybe it’s time to look back and just see which ideas worked and which didn’t and then pick the ones that work, regardless of party. Yeah, I know … and if monkeys could fly, we’d all be covered in monkey poop, so never mind.

Or, in the words of Toxo the intelligent supervirus, “You puny humans are so stupid, you are attracted to anything that is damaging to you.”

He’s a supervirus but he’s intelligent.

Unlike this next guy …

And I Quote: “I tell you what, if I lived in Massachusetts I’d try to vote ten times. I don’t know if they’d let me or not, but I’d try to. Yeah, that’s right. I’d cheat to keep these bastards out. I would. ‘Cause that’s exactly what they are.” ~ Ed Schultz, MSNBC pundit, commenting on the special election to fill “Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat”

Bastards? So what you’re saying, Ed, is none of “them” have mothers? What, were they hatched from a stem cell on some propaganda farm like you were? C’mon, Ed, I’m just cracking on ya, bruh. The end justifies the means, I know that. I’m a smart guy, too. Relax.

And yes, the joy you feel thinking about those lying Democrats being thrown out of office in November will fade away as you realize they will be replaced by those lying Republicans.

You know, this is off the subject, but when I write my column I never use the same word twice. You ever notice that? Never use the same word twice. Go back and look through all my stuff going all the way back to ’96 if you want to, you’ll never see the same word used more than once. I knew when I first started out I would need a gimmick, a hook to make me unique from other writers, make me stand out. So I decided my gimmick would be to never re-use a word. Pretty good, huh? And I’m still going strong.