(As you know, J. Michael is on holiday, as the Brits say, so we’re pulling some of his “classic” columns from the archives and re-running them. This column is from November 2000, right before the Bush-Gore presidential election. At that time, the Clinton administration had just announced an end to the long and costly War On Drugs and an emergency congress that convened in Geneva to negotiate the terms of surrender. As this column begins, the Drugs have already arrived and are waiting impatiently for the U.S. delegates …)

“Can you believe the nerve of the Americans,” snarled Cocaine, “making us wait like this?”

“Chill out, man,” said Heroin. “The war’s over …  snort another line …”

“We been twisting the DEA’s stick for over 30 years (snort!), through six administrations (snort!), and this lame duck Casanova in la Casa Blanca doesn’t even care enough to show up in person ~ just sends  that twitchy, Elian-nabbing Janet Reno. And she’s late.”

Marijuana nudged LSD and whispered, “Who’s he talking about, lame duck Casanova?”

“The U.S. president, you dork,” replied LSD.

“Oh,” said Marijuana thoughtfully. “You know ~ he was telling the truth … he really didn’t inhale.”

“Shhhyeah right,” scoffed X-tasy. “Pot, you are such a loser.”

“Well,” said Marijuana defensively, “At least I can lead to the hard stuff.”

LSD patted Marijuana on the back. “Look at it this way ~ at least you’re not Methadone.”

“Methadone,” snarled Heroin. “I’d like to kick his sorry …”

But at that moment, Janet Reno and the DEA entered the room and were seated. Getting right down to it, Reno said, “Well, I guess you know why we’re here.”

“Yeah,” snapped Cocaine. “We’re here to clean up Nixon’s mess. He’s the one started this war. Man even had Elvis working for him and you know that ain’t right.”

“I miss Elvis,” replied Reno wistfully. “But as to the matter at hand, the terms for your surrender are unconditional. You are to lay down arms and cease all hostilities immediately. Your cartels will be dismantled, your weapons destroyed and your ring leaders prosecuted before an international tribunal …”

“Hold on a minute,” Cocaine interrupted. “What are you talking about, surrender? You think we’re here to surrender?!”

“Haven’t you heard the official announcement?” Reno asked him. “We’ve won the war on drugs.”

“Izzat right?” snarled Cocaine. “You trying to clown me? You tell your boss we won this war. We’re here to accept his surrender, not the other way around.”

“Oh, be reasonable,” pleaded Reno. “The poor man needs a legacy. So what if he’s a philanderer? He didn’t do anything that every other man in the world hasn’t done a thousand times before.”

“What do I care for some gringo putz’s legacy?” sneered Cocaine. “Your country can’t function without drugs and you know it …  hell, half your government’s on something. You think we’re here to surrender, you’re dumber’n you look.”

“Yeah,” snickered LSD, “and you look pretty dumb.”

“Alright,” sighed Reno. “Things are getting a little tense … before we say something we’ll regret, maybe we should take a smoke break … have a cigarette and relax.”

“Talk about your double standard,” said Marijuana.

Cocaine motioned everyone down. “We’re not taking any smoke breaks …  we’re going to settle this now.”

“Well, how about a cease-fire?” suggested Reno. “Just until the first of the year. Clinton’s gone, you can do what you want.”

Cocaine smiled. “We already do what we want. You got to come up with something better’n that.”

“We’ll throw in Nancy Reagan.”

“I believe I’ll Just Say No.”

“Well,” said Reno. “I’m all out of ideas.”

“How about we arm wrestle for it?” suggested the DEA.

Heroin laughed. “What do you think we been doing the last 30 years?”

“Well,” said Reno, getting up from the table. “I knew this wouldn’t work. I’m sick of Clinton’s crap. The election’s over and I’m out of a job anyway.”  She left the room.

“The election’s over?” asked Marijuana.

“Hah,” jeered Crack  “That makes seven administrations.”

“Now what?” cooed X-tasy.

“Well, we’re in Geneva,” winked  Cocaine. “Might as well do the town …”