Vice President Joe Biden said it was easy being vice president because you don’t have to do anything. Joe ain’t the only VP to hold that sentiment. Back in the 18th century, the very first U.S. Vice President, the late, great John Adams, said, “My country has in its wisdom contrived for me the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived.” So that, at least, hasn’t changed. But if the vice president don’t have to do anything, then in Joe’s case, they got the right man for the job.

C’mon, I kid. I kid my veep.

Officials at Miami-Dade’s Metro West Detention Center stage an annual inmate version of American Idol in order to “improve morale.” Because, see, you don’t want morale to slip too low in prison. That happens, the murderers, rapists, pedophiles and assorted recidivists start to feel bad about themselves. Bad for morale, see.

Speaking of seedy characters, they say Democrats and Republicans can’t agree on anything. That every issue is so clouded by partisan resentments that the two sides are incapable of agreeing. Not true. They sure agreed on their Cadillac health plans that nobody can take away, and their big fat pensions when they leave office that nobody can touch. So we know they can agree … willingly and with avarice aforethought. That part of them that is self-serving is the very definition of bi-partisanship. They make a lot of noise about healthcare and Social Security, but the fact is they just don’t have a dog in that hunt, my peeps. You’re on your own.

I’m also in favor of making it mandatory for Congress to undergo frequent and random drug-testing. Beginning with you-know-wholosi.

Speaking of the Speaker, Nancy Pelosi graded her performance as Speaker of the House with an “A for effort.” First of all, Nancy, “effort” starts with an “E,” not an “A.” So it should be “E for effort.” Secondly, “E” comes before “F”, which is your real grade. Thirdly … well, there is no thirdly. You scare me, woman. You come to me in my sleep as two wild, flesh-eating eyeballs. You scare me in a way that makes everything on me clench and pucker.

By the way, I heard Mike Huckabee say the other night that Michelle’s crack, “For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country” was just “a slip of the tongue made during the heat of campaigning.” Didn’t I just go over all this, like, last week? No, Mike, it wasn’t a slip of the tongue. It was in a speech she gave ~ twice ~ in Wisconsin on February 18, 2008. She spoke it from her heart. Saying otherwise is revisionist history. So stop freakin pandering. I hate that when people pander. People shouldn’t pander.

But ~ funny story ~ I was watching the Kenyan the other night on the TV, watching him speak, going on and on, stammering, swinging that head from one teleprompter to the other, his ears like two big brown butterflies on the side of a jug … when all of a sudden I felt a thrill going up my leg. Remember Chris Matthews on MSNBC when he said that listening to the great orator, Barack Hussein Obama, sent a thrill up his leg? Well, I felt that thrill, too, and it really scared me. I thought maybe I was starting to like the guy. That maybe Obamania was real and I had caught it and was now no different than Chris Matthews. I got really scared for a minute, but fortunately that thrill I felt running up my leg turned out to be a stroke, so that was quite a relief. Course I’m permanently paralyzed on my left side and I can’t speak very clearly anymore, but at least I ain’t got that Obamania.

What? Naw, I don’t necessarily believe mighty Barack was born in Kenya, I just call him the Kenyan to tick the other side off.

C’mon, I kid. I kid the other side.

You notice I didn’t clown Barack for not knowing how to pronounce “corpsman.” He kept saying “corpseman.” Looking at the word, that’s how you’d think it was pronounced. Where does it say the “s” is silent? And Barack don’t know nothing about the Armed Services. Anyway, it’s just another very minor gaff from the guy who visited all 57 states during the campaign (“with one more to go”). Look, I like the idea of Affirmative Action as much as any other open-minded guy, but we’re gonna have to start requiring more from a presidential candidate than they be clean, articulate, light-skinned and have no Negro accent. I ain’t sure that’s working. Anyway, if that’s all we’re looking for, what’s the beef with Sarah Palin? She’s clean, she’s articulate and light-skinned, she ain’t got no Negro accent. She should be a shoo-in.