I went out and bought me a brand new Prius this morning, 25 grand, hybrid electric, 51 highway, “Environmental Green” paint job. Sue-weet ride. Little sissified but I don’t mind, I’m secure in my manhood. Anyway, on the way back, I stopped at Popeye’s Chicken to celebrate with some livers and a big Coke, when this black guy approached to tell me how much he liked my new Prius. I told him I’d just driven it off the lot. He asked how much I’d take for it. I told him, “Hold on, soul brother, I just plopped down 25 large for that bad boy. I don’t think I want to sell it.” He then took a wadded-up handkerchief from his pocket, carefully unfolded it and removed a bean. He said, “See this bean?” I said, “Yeah, I see that bean.” He said, “This is a magic bean, like the kind Jack had in that story about the big beanstalk. I’ll swap you three of these magic beans for your car.” I told him, “Sh’yeah, right. You must think I’m some kinda rube, I’d swap a brand-new, politically correct, Obama-sanctioned, green-colored Prius for three beans. Uh-uh, homey, I wasn’t born yesterday … you want this car it’ll cost you six beans.” He balked but eventually I wore him down, signed over the title, got my six magic beans right in my pocket. Anyway, if anybody reading this is going to be out near Popeye’s Chicken anytime soon, I could use a ride home. And no, I don’t feel bad taking advantage of the guy. Hey, I can’t help it if he’s too stupid to realize he could probably get him a dozen Priuses with all them magic beans he had in that dirty hanky. Two dozen. And a Cadillac, too. Anyway, I need a ride home now so if you’re gonna be near Popeye’s, swing by and pick me up, how bout it. I can’t wait to get home, put these babies in some soil. I understand they pretty much grow overnight.

Meantime, while I’m waiting …

Sandra Bullock won a best actress Oscar Award for her performance in Blind Side, and a worst actress Razzie Award for her performance in All About Steve. No performer has ever won a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year. To honor that achievement, she’s being awarded a Pulitzer Prize, as well.

It’s like the International Star Registry, where you can have a star named after you. Anybody with a credit card can have a star named after them. See that star? That’s Fred. That one over there is Grady and there’s Lakisha. You know, naming the universe after ourselves. Space aliens land on Earth one day, we ask them “What star are you they from?” They say, “We are from star GJ 758 B.” We go, “GJ 758 B? Where the heck is that?” Check the Star Registry, “Oh, you mean you’re from Wayne.” Uh … I was going to make a point but now I’ve forgotten what it was … Oh yeah, the Pulitzer Prize. The way things are going it won’t be long, anybody that wants one will be able to buy a Pulitzer Prize online, so yes, I say give Sandra Bullock a Pulitzer Prize.

Speaking of awards, in Chicago this week, Obama’s former pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, put on his own awards ceremony called “Living Legends,” a hundred bucks a ticket, where he honored himself, Imam Louis Farrakhan and (for comic relief) Father Michael Pfleger. “Living legends.” That’s gold. I don’t care who you are, that’s gold. Go on and give Wright a Pulitzer, too, while you’re at it.

Wright, Farrakhan and Pfleger … they oughta do a remake of On the Town with those three guys.

But that movie, Avatar? So now we know where the Blue Man Group came from, huh?

Greece is bankrupt and they want the European Union to bail em out. That kinda stuck in Germany’s caw, as they’ve already given Greece 50 billion euros since adopting the currency. Rather than cough up more dough, Germany told Greece that instead of hitting other people up for money, they should “get up earlier and work harder.” Back in the 70s, I heard civil rights activist Julian Bond say the exact same thing to the black youth. Told them, “You won’t ever get anywhere in life sleeping til ten.” Now here’s Germany telling Greece the same thing. Good advice is good advice, huh?

But that ties in to something else I saw on the ‘Net this week. Guy was quoting his mother-in-law, an elderly, hard-scrabble type who said, “You can’t help the poor, they have to learn to help themselves. Pity is a fool’s best friend.” Pity is a fool’s best friend. That, too, is gold. That should be written on our money. What is that old saying? Give a man a fish, you feed him for one meal … teach him to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Cause in that sense, pity is definitely a fool’s game.

Almost $150,000 in federal stimulus dollars was awarded to the Wake Forest University Medical School to test the effects of cocaine on monkeys. That may sound like a waste of money, but monkey cocaine addiction in North Carolina is reaching … well, not epic proportions, but some of those monkeys got a problem. I don’t mind forking over a few tax dollars to help get em sober.

Speaking of tax dollars, mighty Barack has smoothed things over somewhat with Nevada for remarks he made that have hurt tourism there. He and Las Vegas had a beer in the Rose Garden and then Barack gave em one billion, five hundred million dollars. You can’t beat the house, Barack.

Wait a minute, what’s that I see? … why, it’s a girl, my lord, in a flat bed Ford slowing down to take a look at me. I do believe my ride is here. Hopefully, next time I see you I’ll have some good news about my magic beans.